A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear everyoneI'm not sure if this question is suited to this site, but I found everyone on here to be thoughtful the previous time i used it so i thought i'd try again.I wonder if my brother has some sort of mental condition that hasn't been diagnosed yet.He is 26 and will be 27 this year. Despite this, he has never had a girlfriend. But he has never shown an interest in girls at all, he has never seemed interested in building a relationship with someone and doesn't even have friends and doesn't want to make any. He made friends at university but he came back home and didn't really leave the house for 3 years, he applied for 1 job in that time and didn't see any friends once in the whole time.i don't understand if he can really feel happy with such limited social interaction.He then decided to teach english in asia so he went there for 1 year, the whole time he was there he didn't seem to like it. He didn't make any effort to learn the local language, try the food, make friends or learn about the culture. he simply taught in the classes and then went back to his room. He likes to travel but always does it on his own and has no interest in people. He came back home and said he didn't want to go back to the same country as he didn't like it, that was last july. Now in the following april he says he wants to go there again. It makes no sense to me why he wants to do something again that he already did and did not enjoy.He refuses to apply for jobs in this country and says he has no interest in living or working here. Yet when he lived abroad all he did was stay in his room too and didn't make any friends. I visited him there for 3 weeks and saw more of the country and made more friends than he managed in a year and i'm quite shy. I asked him what his plan for the future was, where he saw himself being when he was 30 and he said he has no plan and doesn't see the point in one.To me it seems like his life has no direction or meaning and i just don't understand how he can be happy with this or why he wants this. He has never expressed any interest in women or men either. I think it would be normal for someone of his age to be thinking about the future and wanting to have a family one day but he seems to have no interest.Does anyone have any ideas?
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male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (30 April 2016):
 Definitively look as Aspergers spectrum autism. There are no set behaviors but lot of the stuff you say matches it. People who know autistics folks can tell by looking at him. Aspies are delicate
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 April 2016):
 To the OP,
Just because you believe you know him, doesn't mean you know him. He doesn't share his every thought with you.
I know that when I was at a point in my life, where I was withdrawn and didn't make friends etc, just like your brother (and this is why I guessed at schizoid, because I was schizoid as a child), I did NOT share my every though with my brother. Me and my brother also shared a room and shared a lot of common interests, but he didn't know me inside out even so.
My guess is that your brother isn't an idiot. If he wants to go abroad again, it is because he wants to, not because he "forgot" that he had a bad time when he first did it. And my second guess is that, he lied to you. You may have asked him how things were on a day where he wasn't feel great about things, but the next day he was fine with it. Also, you haven't considered the fact that he stated he did NOT want to work in the current country (my guess, the same country you live in). So, in conclusion, he must have a worse time where he currently is, than he had abroad.
Also, when I was schizoid as a child, I was frequently asked how I felt. I HATED that question. It was none of other peoples business, and as a schizoid, the entire point is that you do not FEEL anything about much. So you don't like or dislike, and you certainly don't hate, but you don't love it either. You live in a state of acceptable/non acceptable.
If he is indeed schizoid, ask him questions on a more matter of fact basis, rather than questions based in feelings and emotions. Don't as questions like "do you like it" or "how do you feel". Ask him instead "what did you do today" or "do you have everything you need, or can I help you get something"?
Being schizoid isn't something you treat, isn't not a disease. It's a type of personality. And because it is a rare type of personality, it is classified as a personality disorder, because it is so spectacularly different from what is considered the "normal". But its just a different personality, it is not something you cure, there is no cure, there is no point of a cure. The schizoid function just fine in society, and have their own idea of what is happiness. Happiness for me, when I was a child, was to be left alone. I was displeased/less happy when people talked to me.
So, my advice to you, is to leave him alone as much as you can. It's probably what he would prefer, and could very well be the reason why he wants to move abroad: because then he gets to be more alone!
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (29 April 2016):
I agree with Chigirl who mentioned that he might be Schizoid. This is nothing to do with schizophrenia which is a mental health illness. It's more of a personality type where someone appears to live their life apart from other people and seems to have very little interest in pursuing hobbies or making friends. Google it for more information. But, it's not really "treatable" in the sense that, if someone is happy living their lives that way, they are unlikely to want to take steps to change. When a person is bothered by their schizoid personality and finds they can't change then it could be Schizoid Personality Disorder which could be helped somewhat with long term therapy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2016): Original poster here.Thanks for the answersTo answer Chigirl's questions.The reason i know what his values, experiences etc are is because he is my brother and i've known him my entire life. we've shared a bedroom most of our lives prior to university so probably i know him better than anyone else in this world. Travel and working abroad are interesting however i know my brother and I know that he doesn't take any interest in most of the things that would make that appealing. Like i said in the original comment he also said he did not enjoy the experience at all. now he wants to do it again, almost like time has made him forget what he did not like. He is very similar to me and we share 99% of our interests. we produce the same personality type in numerous tests. trust me, i know what he is like and i know that he was not happy the first time he went abroad to teach. I know he stays in his room the whole time thanks to the internet which allows me to see when he is playing games on steam, using skype etc. also that is what he says he does.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 April 2016):
Just because he is different, doesn't mean he isn't happy. People DO like different things, you know! Despite society trying to make us all into the same blob with no differences. He doesn't want friends, he doesn't want a family, and he doesn't want social interactions. Despite this, it seems clear to me that he DOES have a good idea about what he likes/dislikes and he DOES pursue his interests. Just that, these interests are different from yours. They are so different infact, that you fail to even recognize them as interests. You dismiss him traveling and working abroad, saying he just stays in his room anyway. How do you know that, you're not there with him every day through the year. You were there visiting, that's it. And how do you know what experiences he has and hasn't had, and what experiences he values and doesn't value?
He values different things from you. That does not mean his life is without meaning or direction. And even though there ARE mental conditions out there in the world of diagnosis, that would fit what you describe, you should be VERY careful trying to put a diagnosis on someone just because they are different from you.
And in case you are wondering, he sounds schizoid to me. But you should not, under any circumstance, start speculation over his mental condition with anyone else. It's hurtful and disrespectful. Only if a person is causing problems to people around him, or is dangerous to himself or others, only then are you allowed to interfere. In all other cases, you mind your own business and accept that people are different.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (29 April 2016):
Glad to hear you’re trying this site again. It sounds to me like he is a bit directionless at the moment and he doesn’t really know what the future holds. I think you’re absolutely right about that. I’m not a great believer in over-planning everything, because life throws wild cards, opportunities and setbacks at you all the time. But it is healthy to have some sense of direction, even if you haven’t fleshed out the details of how you’re going to get there. I’m not convinced he has a mental condition at all. It may be hard to understand for you but some people really do prefer much less interaction with other people and don’t feel as much desire for friends and to socialise. What I do wonder, though, is whether he needs some tough love? What has he been doing since he went travelling? You say that he refuses to apply for jobs in this country, so he’s either got a lot of savings or he’s not being charged any rent. If not, why not? He’s 26 years old. He’s being pampered far too much if he thinks that he can pick and choose whether to work or not. People often don’t do work because they have an interest in doing so; they work to pay the bills. Maybe he needs people to start making reasonable demands of him, to kick him in to action, however reluctantly.
As for making friends, you can’t force him in to that and it might not necessarily be a good thing. In truth, only he’ll know whether he really isn’t bothered, or whether he doesn’t have the confidence and self-belief to believe that people want to be his friend. People in that position tend to neglect friendships and not put any effort in to them. What you could do, is invite him out sometimes to join you and your friends, or look on meetup.com for a social group you’d both be interested in, and offer to go along together. These groups exist to help people make new friends based around common interests. I’m not suggesting these things will make him uber-sociable overnight, but if there is a confidence issue, a bit of support from his brother might help. With all this said, if he’s unhappy with his life it is ultimately his responsibility to work out how to change things. You can only help if he allows you to. All I would say to you is not to be judgemental, or assume that what you think is normal should apply to everyone. There are lots of people his age who haven’t got relationship experience, for example, or who are not thinking about a family in the future. He needs support to figure out what he wants for himself. He is drifting because he’s finding that difficult. The best you can do is show him you’re on his side, and suggest to those around him that maybe he needs a jog in the right direction when it comes to working and taking responsibility for himself.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2016): I would say your brother may be on Aspergers or ADHD which are both considered to be on the autistic spectrum.
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