A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Are there any men out there who don't prefer traditionally beautiful women? I ask because there don't seem to be. I've met plenty of men who SAY they don't like those women, and say they prefer a natural look over fake, but still secretly look at them to masturbate. Then they call it "fantasy". But you fantasize about the things you want, no? If you're fantasizing about that kind of woman nearly every time you pleasure yourself, that can only mean you prefer that type over any other. I can't stand that guys do this, and am wondering are there any men who TRULY don't get aroused by those women. Even if they stay with you and don't cheat, that's called settling. They figure they can't have those hot women, so they stick with the "average" one because that's what they're comfortable with. They try and say "oh don't feel like you're not good enough", and play it off like it means nothing. But if it means nothing, then why is the woman they're checking out at the moment ALWAYS conveniently have a better body? Even if it's fake, it still looks better at face value. Then they criticize women for having low self esteem, and get frustrated at their partners for wanting to be fake. Well, maybe if they'd stop lusting over fake perfection, talking about how "hot" it is with their friends, maybe the natural women would be more inclined to stay natural. I know I would, at least. A perfect example I can think of is men who say they prefer small or average sized boobs, but then what happens when a huge chested woman walks by? And when with their friends, you never hear them say "whoa check out that girl's small rack, she's so hot!" No, it's always some big boobed woman they're talking about. They are the same men who claim to prefer small boobs. So be honest guys. What do you REALLY prefer? What goes on in your head when you look at these women? Don't lie to make me feel better, either. I've had enough of those men in my life. I posted a similar question to this not too long ago, but would like more opinions. Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 July 2013):
I think this is a very silly question because it over generalizes males and puts too much blame on them, where I feel like males are not understood. There are many well rounded males out there and while you do not have one as such in your life, there is no need to try to bring yourself down by overgeneralising us males.
Yes we see porn as fantasy...not much more to it than that. We don't have such an emotional attachment like girls but most girls don't understand why men watch porn anyway.
Hot girls are hot...who woulda thought right?
While I know you did not say this, I not think males are responsible for a woman's or your self esteem. All men have particular preferences and all men have natural instincts to be attracted to certain aspects in women. No one is perfect and trying to achieve perfection is silly. Yes some men gawk but obviously not all do. Women do the same thing, some more bluntly than others as well. But I don't blame all for the mistakes of one or a few and you shouldn't either.
You can't base everything on looks. Looks is just an introduction. Personality, communication, commitment etc are the real qualities that will define a real relationship. The more time you spend over analysing such a simple matter, the more time you waste and more headache you created for yourself. This petty thought that all men are essentially dogs will project through in your daily life, and might even lure the very men you are trying to stay away from.
My best advice I can give is try to care less about your looks/actions of others, and focus more on just being happy for yourself. Things will become less complicated and you will find decent relationships.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): "how can you tell the difference between a guy who wants his fantasy in real life or not?"Because you trust what he tells you. If a man tells you he is attracted to you, that you are everything he wants and you are good enough for him, then you have to believe that. It's pointless trying to second guess whether he would prefer to go out with someone hotter, thinner, younger, more tanned, with bigger boobs or whatever. If he is with you then you have to trust his judgement and accept it. Your self esteem is the real issue here, if you felt good about yourself then you wouldnt be obsessed with how 'perfect' men perceive other women to be and how 'normal' they perceive you to be. I'm guessing that even if you met a man who never masturbates at all you would still believe he wants someone else more, so it's really not got anything to do with that and everything to do with your own self perception.PS - just curious, but if you think tan, blonde hair, white teeth etc are the 'ideal' men look for and it makes less attractive women look much better, then why don't you do the same? Surely that would solve the problem? I'm not trying to be smart by asking this either I really am curious.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): OP again, in response to the 2 female anons.
You're lucky to have known guys who don't think like this. I guess I just live in a bad area. After all, I live in an area where a lot of women look like the women I described. Of course they're probably pretty naturally, but you can tell they go out of their way to make themselves look way better than they really are. There are also some normal looking women, but not many. With going out and being exposed to women like this a lot, and hearing the way male friends talk about them, and the way my past exes acted, it's going to be difficult for me to ever truly make peace with how I'm feeling.
Time for me to move, maybe?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): OP again. Male anon, When I said "beautiful" women, I meant women who do a bunch of artificial things like implants, hair extensions, professional makeup, and go tanning to make themselves look a lot more attractive than they actually are. I have no issues with guys admiring a normal pretty girl, but it seems like so many guys put the artificial beauties on a pedestal, and think they're "ideal". Yet all the while they tell their normal looking partners not to feel second best, or not good enough. It just seems hypocritical when they say that stuff, then still go off to admire and pleasure themselves to that specific type of woman they know their partners feel insecure about. SVC,I see your point, but how can you tell the difference between a guy who wants his fantasy in real life or not? Some guys just date natural, normal looking women because they don't have the confidence to talk to the "perfect 10". I've even known a few guys to admit that. And of course, when they say perfect 10, they mean "that" type of woman. They are of course not going to tell their partners that to spare their feelings. I wish there was a way for me to just not care anymore, like an on/off switch for my feelings, or something. Even more than that, I wish I could be somebody's perfect 10.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 July 2013):
 OP Liking a look in a fantasy is different than liking it in real life. I don't see how saying "she's my fantasy girl" is being dishonest if she's not someone he wants in real life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): But he doesn't think they are 'better' women though OP, that's the problem. YOU are the one who thinks that. Because you don't accept what he tells you doesn't make him dishonest, it means you have issues with your self esteem and how YOU view yourself. Men like naked women, end of. He is masturbating to these naked women because he is seeing the parts of a woman he needs to see to be aroused. Most men I know genuinely don't think fake looking women are attractive at all in 'real life', but if they have their body on show a man will respond. I myself have had many sexual responses to men I would never dream I could be attracted to, but for whatever reason my body has other ideas. It's a primal thing. And if it works for a man, he will use it when he wants to get himself off quickly. The problem here is your belief that a man is lying to you when he says he doesn't like that type, when in fact that could easily be the case. It also has no bearing on how attracted he is to you either, as people generally find all kinds of people attractive for all types of reasons. He doesn't have to have one single type.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): define "beautiful"
If you mean "pretty" or "good looking", almost all of the inexperienced guys prefer that type. But as they mature, they will learn that a not-so-good-looking but nice woman is a thousand times better than a bitch who looks pretty.
Beauty is skin deep, but only experienced men know that secret.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): But he doesn't think they are 'better' women though OP, that's the problem. YOU are the one who thinks that. Because you don't accept what he tells you doesn't make him dishonest, it means you have issues with your self esteem and how YOU view yourself. Men like naked women, end of. He is masturbating to these naked women because he is seeing the parts of a woman he needs to see to be aroused. Most men I know genuinely don't think fake looking women are attractive at all in 'real life', but if they have their body on show a man will respond. I myself have had many sexual responses to men I would never dream I could be attracted to, but for whatever reason my body has other ideas. It's a primal thing. And if it works for a man, he will use it when he wants to get himself off quickly. The problem here is your belief that a man is lying to you when he says he doesn't like that type, when in fact that could easily be the case. It also has no bearing on how attracted he is to you either, as people generally find all kinds of people attractive for all types of reasons. He doesn't have to have one single type.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): My partner ended things with a stereotypically beautiful woman (blond hair, blue eyes, huge boobs, petite body - PHYSICALLY she is absolutely gorgeous) to be with me. I'm not ugly by any means, but I have NO breasts (can't even fill a A cup) and am probably an inch taller than he is.The thing is, I didn't spend my whole life getting what I wanted by looking pretty. I grew a personality that encompassed more than being absorbed with my own looks. And I'm not saying all gorgeous girls are like that, but I've met a fair few who have been used to getting whatever they wanted because of how they look, and it's made them into vain and one-dimensional people. They are pretty to look at but less so to spend a lifetime with.I think a lot of men initially go for the textbook "beautiful" girls only to find there is a lot more to loving a person than finding someone pretty on the outside - which doesn't last forever anyway. Meet one who has figured this out and you've found a guy who is free to truly appreciate YOU. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): Most men want what they can't have. Many have more than they deserve, and there are many songs that say "beauty is over-rated." It is drilled into our heads from the time we are little boys; that pretty is better than plain or ugly. It isn't true; but it is generally accepted. Our media reinforces the hell out of it. Or they wouldn't make billions in the beauty industry.We all buy into it. We all have an inherent appreciation for what is esthetically pleasing. Men more so than women; because we are more visual creatures. What pleases the eye first gets our attention. We know we can't always get what we want. There are unrealistic expectations and desires in humans as a whole.Society as a whole is spoiled, glutinous, and offer high praise to the undeserving. Everyone suffers, including those placed on the pedestals of beauty and admiration.The beauties complain; because they feel they are only loved for their beauty. The pretty complain, because they feel they can't compete with the more beautiful. The plain whine, because they're in-between pretty and ugly; and the ugly complain because they hate themselves and everybody else. Love hasn't disappeared; because of looks. There is a chemistry that develops that transcends beyond appearance.Something that reaches inward, for another level of satisfaction. It may have started from what was seen; but it develops on what is beneath the surface. The important thing to remember is; whether you want to please the eye, or the heart? You're lucky to please both; but some times you have to settle for one or the other. You aren't given the whole package. Who can stop a straight guy from "dreaming" of "beautiful women;" or women from wanting the "perfect catch?" Or gay guys in their 40's from wanting a 25 year-old Adonis; when he's pudgy and bald? Fat bank accounts compensate; but they don't buy happiness or love. Ask the last beautiful person who got a divorce.So do you dismiss someone who makes you feel all happy and gooey inside; but s/he can't win a beauty contest; or do you take the beauty because s/he makes you horny?Smart people choose feeling happy and all gooey inside as a great consolation prize. It wins hands-up; considering part of feeling all gooey inside includes being horny. The thing is, woman are all on equal-footing; but don't know it. There is a man for every type. Finding the right one for you is the challenge. I am gay, and you think you have it tough?Gay men tend to have a narcissistic attitude when it comes to looks. Generally the gay-male culture places youth and looks above all other attributes; because they think self-worth and desirability are synonymous terms. It has been cultivated in our sub-culture. Everything appreciated is based on what the eye can see; because as I said, men are visual creatures.Then reality beats the hell out of every falsely-conceived notion. Because everyone who is beautiful is not desirable.They are accepted on the basis of the impression made at first sight; and what you see, isn't always what you get (or want.) Settling as you say, isn't the case. We learn that what we want, need, and "deserve;" comes in different packages. The one who stole our heart may not look like the perfect model perceived in the mind's-eye. The heart looks beyond the eyes, so to speak. If you notice, actors and models tend to go from one beautiful marriage to the next. One relationship to the next. They think beauty will yield them more than they deserve.Men give high praise to those who please the eye on a superficial level; but offer their hearts to the one that makes him feel loved at the end of the day.Once you get past the cynicism and the bitterness, and long trail of male jerks and piss-ants; your persistence will yield you good reward. You may never find a guy who doesn't appreciate beauty. You will find one who appreciates YOUR beauty.You will find a guy who desires you for who you are. In his eyes, you are more beautiful than any woman he has ever come to love. There is something about a person that we fall in love with; that makes us blind to many of their imperfections. We don't want to see their faults. It might spoil the love euphoria.In fact; the endorphins that are generated when we make the right chemistry; makes every attribute about the object of our desire many times more beautiful, than it may be perceived through the eyes of others.Some men aren't as physically strong and aggressive as most heterosexual women may want them to be. They may not earn a lot of money, may not have all his hair; but he is likely to be over-looked; because he may not appeal to that inherit wiring in women since primal man; to mate with the stronger male, to reproduce stronger and more attractive offspring. So the sword cuts both ways.I have experimented on websites. I listed all my attributes as honestly as I could in my profile. I didn't include my sexual orientation nor offer a picture. I got no hits. I then offered a picture and still offering no sexual-orientation; and received a few hits from curious women. They were attracted to my profile, and my pic was complimented a lot; but they really liked the profile. Then I included my line of work. Only a fool would disclose his income in detail, or his financial worth. I didn't do that. I was receiving more hits than I could keep up with. Was it me or my earning potential?How do you explain that? I then withdrew my subscription and took down my picture. I did the same on a gay-dating website. I again, was honest in my profile. No pic. Not a word. Not one hit for two weeks. I then added a pic and removed any description of myself as a person. I got sexual propositions, whassups, heys, and "like the pics" out the yin-yang. Based on a pic and a five word profile description? What??? I could have been Dexter or Hannibal!!!Don't fault men. Fault what we are taught and what is reinforced throughout our media and society.Your presence should be clean and well-kept. That is surely a sign of good self-esteem. Less attitude and more charm also works. You have the advantage. You get to choose among many competitors; and eliminate according to their short-comings. You are woman.If your expectations are too high or too low, you will be disappointed. If you set them somewhere from high to moderate; you will be more successful in your search. Most real people fall between high to moderate; but there's a catch. YOU have to fit their scale as well. Too many people place themselves on the wrong end of the spectrum; and then wonder why things never work out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): Thanks to those who have replied, but I think what I said may have been misunderstood a bit.
I have no problem with a guy fantasizing about someone else while he is with me. What I have a problem with is a guy who fantasizes about the "perfect" type while claiming not to like that look, or be attracted to it. Then to turn around and tell me I should never feel like I'm not good enough, even though he is fantasizing about "better" women.
To me, that's hypocritical and dishonest.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): OP I think you need to work on your own self esteem and stop focusing on the fact that there are more beautiful women out there than yourself. There will always be people out there who are more attractive for whatever reason, and others will always look at them because it's human nature. That doesn't mean someone who is with you is settling though. I mean I have a bit of a thing for a Hollywood actor at the moment. I think he is gorgeous and will admit I have fantasised about him more than once. But it doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less. I think he is gorgeous too, plus he has the personality and sense of humour that I love as well. And if I met my actor in real life he could be rude, conceited, arrogant, unintelligent or any number of other unattractive things, not to mention that I'd have to put up with paparazzi and other women throwing themselves at him daily. So while I appreciate his physical attributes, I don't actually want him in real life. I'd pick my boyfriend any day of the week because he is the whole package, including what he looks like (nothing like the actor btw!) I guess the point I am making is you will never be the only person your partner is attracted to. He will still be human and will still look at other people. But it's not a threat to your relationship and has no bearing on how he feels about you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2013):
Well I think the first thing we need to do to answer your questions is define what you mean by “traditionally beautiful women” since what is beautiful to one man is not beautiful to another.
My husband is a perfect example. He does not like blondes at all. He hates curly or wavy hair and prefers it straight. He also prefers light eyes to brown eyes. And he goes for petite girls. So a short dark haired girl with light eyes is his choice. Funny we don’t’ see many of them in beauty pageants or on TV do we?
On the other hand his favorite porn stars have dark eyes and long dark hair. I wanted to grow my hair long thinking he liked LONG hair… but he let me know in no uncertain terms that ON HIS WIFE he prefers my hair not past my shoulders…. I was confused till I had a male friend explain to me that part of the FANTASY of actresses or porn stars is that they ARE a fantasy and if your woman emulates them enough then you have NO FANTASY to play with. Makes sense to me. Just because my husband fantasied about Angelina Jolie does not mean he wants his wife to look like her.
Now about settling, do you really think that there will be NO compromises in your love life with who you end up with? You don’t settle you compromise. And while when we first started going out my husband found me tolerably attractive now if you ask him he will say with full feeling “my wife is beautiful” And yet here I am overweight to a fault, graying hair, wrinkles, saggy age spotted skin, and yet my husband finds me BEAUTIFUL to to point of willingly forsaking all others. What part of “settling” is bad here?
I am getting the sense that the problem is that YOU do not feel attractive or adequate and when you whine and complain about it to your guy he tells you the truth “oh don’t feel like you’re not good enough” you don’t accept it. YOU need to believe that you are not good enough and that he is with you because he can’t get better but maybe you are what he wants.
LOOKS fade. Boobs, bellies and butts sag. These things are a fact of life. Yes my guy will look at a 20 something or 30 something young cute thing… he may even comment that she is cute but the truth is.. he’s just looking… he would rather have a decent conversation with me about something than tolerate having eye candy on his arm with nothing between her ears.
Ya know I look at pretty girls and think about sex with them but I don’t do it and won’t do it any more than my man would (and I’ bi honey so it’s normal for me to look) As for men, I look at the very attractive ones and think “hmmm NICE” but do I want to have sex with them? NO. Do I want to replace my guy (with his short hair, pot belly, snaggly teeth glasses and pock marked cheeks) with some one better looking? NO way.. because I look at my husband sleeping and I get this warm glowing feeling for him.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 I am not sure that I understand what's your beef , OP.
Are you upset that there are around women who are more conventionally attractive than you ? ( note the "conventionally ", because I am sure, positive that you could be a sex bomb too and have men eating from the palm of your hand even if you aren't conventionally attractive, i.e. no megaboobs, milelong legs, glow-in-the-dark smile etc. Many examples, both among famous people, and what counts more, normal everyday people, of women who have got " it " without being technically perfect ). And are you upset that men notice them and are attracted to them ? ...
What can you do, OP- I think it's normal. People will be drawn to the exceptional, the rare, precious, sumptous....
it does not mean , that if they notice it and appreciate it and even salivate over it - they are settling for what they have. It's like with ...houses.
I am perfectly happy with my apartment, I love it in fact. Still, I can see that the Taj Mahal
or Buckingham Palace or the Vatican Apartments are much " better ": bigger, richer, furnished better... Still,I do not feel deprived because I don't live at Buckingham Palace, and no, it's not because I can't afford it or it's out of my league , I just don't want it for myself , I do not want to live there . Yet, when I see Buckingham Palace I can still go ooh and ahhh at the sight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): First, I totally understand your frustration!
I am a bi-sexual women, I look at women in porn who in real life I would probably not be my cup of tea. It's hard to explain, it's a de-attached reality that sometimes has nothing to do with what you want in real life. A lot of the women I look at might be considered "hot," in guy world, but if I saw them in real life I may not give them a second look. Even if I did, it really means nothing. It's just a type of reflex, if you will.
It's all about the whole package, a lot of it translates beyond the physical. It's chemistry, personality, and connection...yes, look are a part of it but not everything.
I wouldn't worry about this, really and truly. It's just one of those hard to understand, and I probably wouldn't understand it either if I didn't experience it first hand.
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