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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm 24 years old, female. I'm having HUGE self confidence issues. I've never felt pretty or beautiful. Never. In high school I never had any luck with guys.Now, I do get some attention. Some people tell me I'm pretty, some even tell me I'm hot. But I look in the mirror, or worse, I look at pictures and hate my appearance. I just hate it. I feel so ugly. Like there's nothing remotely attractive about me. My eyes always look tired, I have a big, manly face, my hair is too thin and limp (and it falls a lot!). I'm not overweight, but I'm on the verge of becoming overweight. I'm taller than most girls, so I always look huge in comparison. I just don't feel I'm beautiful or delicate. And like I said, even when I put make up on, or dress up, I feel like I always look uglier than the rest.I fear that guys who give me attention are just desperate. I also feel that even the ugliest guy deserves better, that I'm too ugly for anyone. I usually don't judge guys physically, but even those guys who no one looks twice at... I feel even they are too good for me.I don't know what to do. I feel really depressed. I mean, even if some people say I'm pretty, what if they're lying? And even if they're not, well, I still hate my appearance. I have good non-physical qualities, but to me, being an ugly young woman trumps those good things, because what guy wants to have an ugly girl by his side?I currently am interested in a great guy who I connect really well with. He's sweet and we've hooked up and he seems sincere when he says he likes me (I try not to get my hopes up, though). But I get very sad because I feel he's too good for me and I'm too ugly. He also has so many gorgeous friends... he's not shy, but he always tells me he doesn't have much experience, that he's never been lucky with girls and such and that my experience intimidates him (I was with my ex for six years)... and yet despite that, I still feel like he deserves better, a beautiful girl.Is this normal? Will it pass? What can I do to overcome it?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 July 2013):
 Your self-loathing is not normal and will not pass without some strong professional intervention. I strongly suggest you find a neutral third party therapist who has NO vested interest in how you look or lying to you. FIND one you trust. IF the first one does not fit keep looking. You may want a female therapist or a male might do better for your needs. Only you can decide which fits better.
It's normal for folks to be their own worst critics and see every flaw in themselves when others don't see them. It's also normal for folks to find others who might not be perfect (and who is) as perfect for them.
You probably are tall and stunning and don't even realize it. Being on the "verge of being overweight" when tall means you are probably a lovely curvy young lady. MEN in general do not like stick thin women, they want women with curves and bumps... not fat but filled out... stick thin women imply illness or per-pubescent.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 July 2013):
Dear OP,
I agree with the former agony aunt, you might suffer from body dismorphic disorder.
Besides, you sound like you generalize a lot about yourself, women and men. Not all other women are "delicate" and pretty to common standards, but there are still a lot of those not-so-pretty women who are in happy relationships. And also, not all men are hot supermodels who are only after model like girls. Men appreciate pretty and delicate women, but that doesn't mean they ONLY appreciate those women. There are several types of beauty and I'm sure there are men to appreciate them. You've had bad luck with guys so far, but you're only 24. I bet that if you feel a little better about yourself, you will be more comfortable around other people and that will heighten your chance of finding someone. So far, it sounds as though you worry too much about yourself in order to let somebody come as close to you as you wish. So you don't even give men a chance to prove you wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2013): Hi! "I fear that guys who give me attention are just desperate. I also feel that even the ugliest guy deserves better, that I'm too ugly for anyone. I usually don't judge guys physically, but even those guys who no one looks twice at... I feel even they are too good for me."- Put how you look aside for a minute- this isn't about looks; were all varied and complex individuals that set have own standards- it's nonsensical that "youre not good enough for anyone"your self perception is completely irrational and subjective- i think you may well have Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) honestly she has this and sounds so much like you.Beauty isn't measured on a scale, and if people say Youre hot, you're likely very good looking, you just don't perceive what they see! In the same way regardless of how hot or notso hot you are, there is ALWAYS someone who will not only find you physically attractive but desire you as the whole package. Read the quote above back to yourself, you clearly have a serious self esteem complex and I advise def getting therapy. attractiveness is a very subjective thing, I swear I sometimes feel inadequate and a bit jealous of some people that are not the most attractive- but have other stunning qualities, that make them attractive i.e I have a friend that i suppose is very average looking who doesn't drink- but she has a warm, mature and sophisticated buzz about her- and gets so many men coming on to her when we go out. Attractiveness is compiled of many different factors, as in those great personal qualities you RECOGNISE you have. This is why I think you may have BDD... It's just guna drive you mad living just defining your attractiveness just by how you look... No matter how good looking you are, there's always guna be someone that goes for your friend or someone you consider to be less attractive instead..Achievement brings a sense of power and self worth- you see yourself in a satisfied light. So use those qualities you know you have to enhance your career, or sharpen your skills doing a new hobby etc. you will realise that to define your self worth by your appearance is just crazy and like eating junk food for the mind everyday, lol :) So research BDD, go to doctors and therapy. Take care and post and update :) xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): What your post doesn't tell us is how far back this self-hatred goes? When did it start?Mostly women seem to come to the site for this reason. They write long and sad posts of how badly they feel about their appearance. How much they hate it. It's usually because of men.Why did you start feeling so badly about your looks? This means someone (or a few men) rejected you. Maybe you had a horrendous breakup. Man did I see the devil in the mirror after I got dumped!!!If you don't believe anything you're told about your appearance, and your negative opinion of yourself over-rules any other opinion you've received in-person. I'm not quite sure what you may be looking for here. Do you just appreciate the pity?Self-hatred, and poor self-image issues require professional therapy. You have a distorted image in your mind of your physical image; and it was brought on early in child-hood, and reinforced as you grew older. Most people with your feelings are over-influenced by media and commercial beauty standards. If you look in the mirror and hate what you see; no words from anyone will change that image in your mind.You contradict yourself in the very end by claiming you had a six-year relationship. How did that ever happen if men are not attracted to you? Beauty is certainly in the eye of the beholder; but why are you convinced other people are lying and that you're not lying to yourself?How come there is a guy in your life now? Hopefully, you will not sabotage what you have, and send him away.Is it that failed six-year relationship; or did you get a lot of bullying and teasing as you were growing up? Did he tell you often that you were ugly and criticize your appearance?There are people who are dead-set that they believe they require plastic surgery or surgical enhancement. Generally, they carry deep-seated issues that no one can penetrate to convince them they may not need these procedures. That are often risky, painful, and outright dangerous. They often start out feeling as you do. That is often the doorway to a lot more image issues. So please, please, please seek counseling.You listed several things that women easily correct. Thin hair requires specific conditioners and you have the option of hair extensions or weaves. You feel you have a manly face? I thought women choose makeup to enhance their best attributes. You control weight by diet and exercise. You correct body image by working out and wearing flattering clothing. This is called a makeover.You require a mental make-over; because I think you've experienced a lot of rejection and emotional abuse. You've internalized a lot of anger and decided that the lack of physical beauty is your one and only reason for all your unhappiness and misfortune. What can anyone say that will change your mind? Not much.You have to change and correct what is on the inside; before the outside matters. You need to seek help necessary to correct your self-perception. No advice on this site can help. We can't see you. We don't know what you've gone through all your life. We don't know anything about your family history.We can only say, no one is too ugly to be loved. Love is not based on physical attributes. How do blind people fall in love? You have someone who cares for you and you know it. Yet you are rejecting him before he has had a chance to prove it. You are calling him a liar for seeing you for who are, not who you appear to be.Once you have developed a love for yourself,regardless of looks; then, you can be loved. You will accept and return it unconditionally. My words may not help; but I hope they give you something to think about. Just give love a chance and let him see with his heart, not his eyes.I say this; because, if he can see beyond all the things you claim make you ugly, I wouldn't let that slip away.
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 What a horrible situation to be in. It's sad because you're probably a lovely girl with a lot to offer someone as a friend or a girlfriend. I think talking with a therapist might help you, if it's an option for you, especially if you have depression or social anxiety as well (it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, it doesn't mean you're metally ill. I see a therapist for depression and anxiety, but I certainly don't consider myself mentally ill or anything).I have a similar problem, in that I hate my looks as well. But where you and I differ is that my opinion is validated in my life experiences and yours is not. I've never had a girlfriend, never had a lover or someone who shows attraction in me, and barely ever had a second date. You have had a boyfriend, and you do get attention from guys. The only woman who has ever told me I'm attractive is a life coach I hired to help me with women. She suggested I try hypnosis. I decided not to go down that road, because I had the maturity to tell myself "well this is how I look, I can't change it. So I'll just carry on regardless and not let it stop me." I try to compensate for my looks by dressing nicely, smelling nice, being a good conversationalist, always looking someone in the eye while I'm talking to them, and generally just trying to come off as if I'm confident. I suggest you try the same thing. Just as an experiment, just PRETEND you're as pretty as all your friends, PRETEND you have that confidence, and that you deserve to have that attention and happiness... and just see what happens. Fake it in other words. Just for a bit. To see what happens.And look into therapy and hypnosis, even if you decide not to follow up it's good to educate yourself and be aware of what your options are.I think as you get older and you find confidence in yourself these feelings will fade, but why wait and waste all that time?And I'll let you in on a little secret... girls don't HAVE to be pretty to get guys. Women's stock is just naturally much higher than men's, it's just a fact of life. In other words a woman doesn't have to be very attractive to be CONSIDERED to be attractive, but a man does. An average man might want an average woman, but the last thing an average woman is interested in is an average man. So you have THAT in your favour if nothing else. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): "My eyes always look tired, I have a big, manly face, my hair is too thin and limp (and it falls a lot!). I'm not overweight, but I'm on the verge of becoming overweight."I used to describe myself the same way. There are foods and beverages you can eat and drink can help your appearance tremendously.First of all, if you're eating a lot of fast food, stop now. Not only will that contribute to your weight gain, but since there's no nutritional value to it, you can become malnourished from eating too much of it. This will cause unattractive qualities such as dark circles under the eyes, VERY pale greasy skin, and hair loss. The first thing you can do is start drinking more water. I used to think I had a "wide" face as well, but it turned out to just be puffiness. Once I started drinking more water, I noticed my face slimmed down quite a bit. Next thing is start drinking tea, specifically green tea. It helps you burn fat, and if you have an oily complexion or acne, it will help clear it up. I would recommend replacing any soda you drink with tea. As for foods, I'm sure you're perfectly capable of looking up what foods to eat or not eat when it comes to helping your appearance. Not everyone likes the same foods, so the foods I eat won't necessarily sound good to you. Taking a vitamin that specializes in improving hair and skin is another thing I do that helps. Even if your hair is thin due to genetics like mine is, these will help you. I used to not be able to grow my hair out past shoulder length, but once I started taking these along with eliminating fast food from my diet, and choosing healthier beverages, I was able to grow my hair so long I could sit on it. It got thicker, too.Being beautiful on the inside is important as well like another poster said, but what woman doesn't want to be beautiful on the outside?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): Hi there!you know confidence is something you need to practice.because its not something we learned outright.Even the most successful celebrity in the world, before they made it, most of them has to undergo a workshop for acting.Its not like they have overcome their fears on stage and had that confidence overnight.How did I know? My job before, has something to do with your dilemma. I used to host events. It was by accident.I organized events before. Our spoke person should be the CEO.She did not do her homework, then the press asked her about the event. she called me out of nowhere, i was like why me? of all people me? I have no choice but to stand up and answer questions from press people. It was fun, at first I was shaking but then i enjoyed the moment.After that in every event we had, my boss wants me to be the host. In every event i hosted I always get nervous at the start, but I'm witty so, it covered my nervousness and all.What I'm trying to say is, all you need to do is just practice to believe in yourself. Practice to feel confident about your self. Practice not to worry about what other people might think of you. You gotta believe in yourself.You need to say, I'm beautiful, I am myself, take it or leave it. I am me. This is Me. I'm pretty sure that the guys who said they like you, they really do. They find something special about you, otherwise they wont spent or waste time with you.Guys always think like a bank, they invest on something they see as an asset or something that they can gain interest in the long run. So If someone likes to date you, be confident cuz he really likes you for who you are. Be confident and never compare yourself to others.Competition is healthy, it makes you better on what you do, but for now, you need to practice being comfortable for what you are and who you are. Good luck..
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female
reader, Artistry +, writes (1 July 2013):
 Hi, what you need to do is to build up some self esteem. Feel good about yourself and become an interesting person, learn things, read and grow. Most of all learn to love yourself and be your own best friend. If all a person has is exterior good looks, people grow old and if they are empty inside, that's all they are, good looking with nothing else. Become charming and a good listener. Grow as a person and be happy being who you are. Know that if you like you, others will like you. Happy people are drawn to happy people. Stop downing yourself, please. Become beautiful inside. Find a book on how to be the best you. Report back on your progress please. Cheers.
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