A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a depressed, 32 year old female and I'm starting to wonder whether I will ever find a normal guy....I'm loyal, attractive, caring, trustworthy and I seem to end up with all of these guys that have 1 or more major issues. I know nobody is perfect, but it seems so difficult to find a man who is normal :( I've dug into my past and thought back to my past 8 relationships. Here is a snippet of why these relationships haven't worked...EX #1. In contact with his ex - On a weekly basis. Was given an ultimatum by me after 3 months. "It's me or her." He chose her.Ex #2. Workaholic - Cancelled dates, stood me up twice in the first 2 weeks of dating, never contacted me to say he was running late.Ex #3. Liar - Confirmed after 6 weeks he was separated and had 2 kids. Lied about age. Said he was 32, but was 36.Ex #4. Alcoholic - Lied about drinking every night, would often have benders with mates and tell me he was having an early night.Ex #5. Dominating - Control freak - Always checking what I am doing, going through my phone, trust issuesEx #6. Cheater - Seeing 2 other women at the same time as he was seeing me. Ex #7. Anger issues - Would verbally and emotionally abuse me. Ex #8. Dumped for no reason - Seeing each other for 3 months, one day just disappeared off the face of the Earth. No idea where he is even to this day.Why is this happening to me? Are there any decent guys out there still? Will I ever find somebody normal? If yes, where and how? :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): Thanks so much to everyone for the advice. Daisy Daisy, thank you for the advice about 'code amber' and 'code red' I've read through this and now understand that when those lights start flashing, it's time to move on.
You're right Mark1978, it is dragging down my confidence levels...I know that everyone has some bad experiences in dating and relationships but I definitely think I've experience more than my fair share. It's just difficult when these warning signs don't show up until after 2 months of dating (when feelings are stronger. Etc)
Thanks again everyone.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 I'm with Olderthandirt.
The fact is that "decent" has really nothing at all to do with "attractive", "having similar tastes" and the many et ceteras one tends to associate with decency.
Ugly men who don't shave, don't change their underwear and don't mince their words may be very decent.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 OP, I got to the same point you're at a few years ago and unfortunately I could only conclude that the common factor was me. Despite all my positive attributes, pretty much the same as yours, I was only attracting, or I should more correctly say, attracted to, the men with some flaw or another. The flaw doesn't need to be written all over them (or you and me wouldn't date them, right?) but it's there, and Mark is right about looking out for the red flags early and aborting mission.
Recently I had the opportunity to go on a date with an apparently lovely and good looking, respectful guy. I was keen, actually overly keen and recognised I was about to repeat a pattern. I took the blinkers off and realised there were at least 2 code red flags there. This is a link to understanding code amber and red behaviour: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-code-red-and-code-amber-behaviour-in-dating-and-relationships/
Aside from all these men both you and I have dated, there ARE decent guys out there. You might need to do a bit of self examination into why you're ending up with emotionally unavailable men, as I did/ am doing, but you are not destined to a life of either solitude or crappy relationships.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Thee are lots of "good guys" left in the world. But they are all looking for a caring women who want them for who they are and not the fantasy man with the abs and the 8-incher.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): OP there are billions of people on this planet. Roughly half of them are male. In the US there are tens of millions of men. Several million of which are single. There are probably thousands of single men in your town or city...You have dated 8 of them!
Please don't give up hope!
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (9 May 2014):
 OP you need to stop and think about what attracted you to these men in the first place and ask yourself if you are attracted to the same kind of person again and again.You need to have the confidence to recognise the red flags earlier on in a relationship and not be afraid to move on if you spot the bad signs. You do sound like someone who is too easily led along or puts up with far too much.There are plenty of good guys around, but you seem to be attracted to those who are largely unavailable to you possibly because low self esteem leads you to be attracted to men who offer scraps as that's what you think you deserve. You are worth a lot more than that so get out there and find someone nice, single and stop putting a downer on all men just because you have made mistakes in the past.I have a female friend who tells anyone with ears to listen how all men are bastards, cheats, aggressive women abusers, etc. Yet she always goes for the same kind of guy: brash, cocky, arrogant, competitive, hoodie wearing, shaven headed lads who cant string a sentence together without using foul language and cant stop themselves saying "what the **** are you looking at!" every time someone makes eye contact. Is it any wonder she is badly treated by these yobs?Lets have a look at your previous relationships:"Cancelled dates, stood me up twice in the first 2 weeks of dating, never contacted me to say he was running late." If someone stands you up twice in the first two weeks of a relationship then that's a clear sign that the relationship is unlikely to run smoothly. That should have made you move on before getting emotionally involved with someone who clearly wasn't that bothered. "Was given an ultimatum by me after 3 months." Why wait three months then give him an altimatum? you should have walked on by after the first few weeks of his constant contact with his Ex."Control freak - Always checking what I am doing, going through my phone, trust issues" How long did you put up with that for? Too long!!! If a man acts controlling give him the elbow. OP im sorry but it sounds like you have let yourself put up with too much shit form men that you should not have done. Too many months of seeing men and letting them get away with ill treatment, lies and hurt. Take charge of your own life and don't be afraid to walk away if you spot the signs. No point dragging down your confidence further by wasting months in relationships with bad men.Maybe you need to try other means to meet men, internet dating, through a hobby or interest, work, friends, church, etc. If you met these previous men in clubs and bars then past experience shows you that the kind of men you are meeting there are not for you. Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): I would like to know what normal is too. I see more abnormal behaviors, especially as these guys get older.
Lusting after the young ones, barely legal porn videos and porn magazines, wanting to go to a nudist camp, following women in stores, taking pictures of women without them knowing on their cell phones for spank material, eyeballing women all the time, talking about how beautiful female co workers are or any other female that walks across the tv, lusting after a female coworker or coworkers and continually talking about them. No respect shown towards the one they are dating at all. Losers all of them. By the way, these behaviors exhibited are just from one guy I dated.
I wish I had the answer for you.
Maybe others do.
The only answer for me is staying single so I don't have to be put through this drama and stress. Otherwise I would end up seeing a psychologist.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): "depressed...loyal, attractive, caring, trustworthy" kind of makes you sound like a bit of a pushover but the fact you didn't tolerate those 8 guy's bullshit for long says that's not the case.
OP unless you can identify a pattern, similar traits or personalities these guys have then it's just the 'kissing frogs until you find your prince' thing but there is a bit of a pattern.
Instead of looking at what went wrong with them, examine what attracted you to them, maybe there is a certain type of guy you like and they're the flaky dicks you've seem to have gotten.
Because in my experience of patterns like yours it's generally that type of guy you go for.
Be sure to examine negative traits you find attractive too, those are often the most important.
For example I'm very into fiery, combative women, I love a good heated discussion on things. Of course that has led me to date a plenty of viciously argumentative and emotionally unstable women until I figured out how to recognise when that trait is a positive in a woman. Basically I figured out that if they can argue heavily a point without ever resorting to personal insults then we would work.
The thing I find in your pattern is that you go for emotionally unavailable men. Whether that's the work guy, or the guys who have more than one woman on the go, the liar about drinking (which makes drink his real girlfriend if you know what I mean), the liar about his age and kids etc. even the control freak was emotionally unavailable.
You seem to have a thing for guys who cannot and will not put their focus on dating you. So perhaps you're attracted to the kind of guy who seems blasé and aloof.
It's not always the most obvious thing. They could all look very different, have different mannerisms but still subconsciously be emotionally unavailable in a way that attracts you to them.
So instead of thinking you're doing something wrong, see if you can identify your pattern and the things you liked about men and alter some of those to ensure you get a guy who can pay you the attention you want be good to you.
Because they're not the only 8 guys to ever have tried it on with you, I bet plenty of guys have made moves and you haven't been interested. You could well be turning down guys who are emotionally available because that's not something you find as an attractive trait.
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A
female
reader, jham  +, writes (9 May 2014):
Hi.
I'm 31 and my boyfriend just broke me up. Maybe the right guy for us are still on it's way. Just focus on your work and pray.
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