A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't want to bash my husband or write insensitively of him but it has caused a little ripple in our marriage where it hasn't completely gone away. By continually asking for me to give him oral sex but it's not as bad as it was before when he kept asking for a blow job and to have his semen in my mouth, similar as you see in porn video's. One of the last times we had sex, I gave him almost everything of what he wanted sexually with the little help of me thinking sexually, searching oral sex material and watching a sexually explicit movie. What I don't feel comfortable with totally and haven't wanted to do is have his semen in my mouth when he orgasms and I let him know this. He tells me this is what he wants from me and I'm denying him and that he hasn't denied me sexually of everything and anything that I may want. Right now he's telling me that he thinks that I should go without sex every two weeks or without a sexual orgasm that way I would be more build up sexually, more aggressive, desiring him so much and horny during the sexual acts of vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, oral sex and his ultimate goal is for me to desire his semen in my mouth all the time or at least some of the time. The other day we had intercourse without really talking about it beforehand. We both didn't orgasm, he pulled out before that happened. He says because I didn't give him oral sex before we had intercourse and or also put on a red color lipstick during a blow job, that is the reason for why I didn't get to have an orgasm. And after sex he goes rinses off and masturbates and just to let you know he does masturbate whenever his in the mood or when I'm not in the mood for sex or when his in a hurry or wrong time, or whenever he likes...His new thing is if I don't give him at least a minute or maybe it was five minutes of oral sex, he won't have intercourse with me or like the last time, he will pull out before sex is finished. Just to let everyone know, his not addicted to porn but was for several years during his teenage years. I have to sadly say we did open a door to it in the beginning of our marriage but little of it not compared to what it could of been and it's only seldom that we ever watch anything of that nature or close to it. I told him recently that I want to talk to a counselor or people about our sexual relationship and he said that he won't go, that I can go by myself. It seems it's on a constant basis that he asks for oral sex and no I don't always give it to him. He tells me I have a big mouth and big lips and what do I think there, there for? There must be a reason why I have them, he says... It makes me feel somewhat of an object, and it makes me ask myself is it normal for him to request oral sex all the time. When I gave him almost everything sexually what he wanted lately he treated me the kindest and nicest as he ever had in a long time it seemed and he seemed the happiest, he had so much contentment. While we both agreed sex doesn't continually satisfy, it only last for a while until you start wanting more later. I like for him to treat me kind and listen all the time, not only when he wants or feels to because isn't it when you love someone you love them regardless what they do or don't do for you? By the way, he has gone in my mouth in the past, not sure if it was more than once, but when I did, there was some enjoyment to it because he was also stimulating me but I remember I felt like I died inside....within a day or a week maybe I got over the death feeling, cause I did something I didn't want to do and on top of that, he doesn't always treat me kindly when his pressuring me to to something I don't want to do, so that hurts emotionally as well...I've told him off and on, that I may be willing to do that, I just not ready, instead of just giving a complete no forever of having his semen in my mouth or dripping out of my mouth but that's not okay with him. Sincerely Anonymous
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addicted to porn, blow-job, horny, in the mood, oral sex, orgasm, porn, semen, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 He was addicted to porn for several years and now he expects you to behave like a porn actress. He seemingly doesn't realise that women in porn get paid to pretend to enjoy certain things that aren't enjoyable at all. Of course you feel objectified because that's exactly what he's doing.
One thing is certain: he has absolutely no respect for you, and I'd guess that he has no respect for women in general. We should all treat our partners - and ourselves - with love, care, trust and respect OP. He's failing on all four basic requirements. You are also not caring for or respecting yourself by putting up with this.
We all, in real life, have boundaries. One of yours is that you don't like him climaxing in your mouth. That's fine, that's a normal boundary. It is not unreasonable. His comment about what your mouth and lips are for is absurd to say the least. Using his logic, you could tell him that you will only be satisfied if you can use a strap-on on him - after all, what's his anus there for, if not for your sexual pleasure? I'm not suggesting you have that conversation with him, it would be wasted on him, but can you see how bloody ridulous his comment was?
He's disgusting OP, a pig. I'd follow Cerberus advice and get a good vibrator so your orgasms have nothing to do with him. I wouldn't let him touch me ever again, frankly, and I'd be following eyes wide opens advice and seeking divorce. I don't say that lightly. What Mark said about borderline rape is true.
Get counselling for yourself anyway. You'll need it to get over the trauma (yes trauma) this guy is putting you through. This is an abusive relationship. I hope you'll get help for yourself.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Iagree with the vibrator sugestion...make sure he knows you are able to get off without him and tell him you are not going to be his slut anymore
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (9 May 2014):
 "I don't want to bash my husband or write insensitively of him"Well I do want to bash him with my words and be insensitive towards your husband because he deserves it! He is a selfish, abusive, emotional blackmailer. This had gone on so long now that you are questioning whether it is normal or not. It is NOT!!! STOP being so apologetic to this guy! STOP giving in and letting him do things you are not comfortable with.STOP making excuses and justifying his disgusting, abusive behaviour.STOP letting your husband treat you like shit and stand up to his horid behaviour. "isn't it when you love someone you love them regardless what they do or don't do for you?" Well if you have to ask that question as to what love means then I think his behaviour has had a really bad effect on your emotional well being. This is not about LOVE its about him practically forcing/blackmailing you into sex acts you don't want to do. This is borderline Rape OP.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Oh yeah you should get some counseling alright...from a lawyer not a marriage counselor.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Wow. If your husband keeps this up, you are going to end up with ZERO libido, not crazy horny.
Some women like semen in their face, mouth, hair on their bodies, but most women don't. IT DOES nothing for a woman. If you are ONE of those women who just don't dig it, WHY should you do it? Because women in PORN "love" it? Some also "love to be semi-choked on a dick or slapped in the face and called a whore. IT'S FREAKING PORN, made FOR men BY men. It's about asserting his dominance over you.
The fact that he REFUSES to respect you sexually is not a good thing, because it WILL spread to the rest of the relationship. IT should BE totally OK to NOT like certain things. Then if things gets a little boring you try OTHER new things together. Figure out WHAT does get your rocks off that you BOTH can enjoy.
YOU know why you felt like you died inside after you "let him" come on your mouth to please him? BECAUSE you went against your CORE BELIEFS your SOUL (if you like). You MADE yourself do things you DO NOT really WANT to do. Like I said, if you KEEP doing this TO YOURSELF you will end up not even wanting sex. Just looking at him, will be a TURN off. Him touching you will be a turn off.
I agree 100% with Cerberus. GET a NICE vibrator and take care of yourself if you feel horny.
Auntie YouWish pointed out something I don't think YOU have considered. THAT YOU are in charge of YOUR sexuality and sex life. Being married doesn't mean he OWNS your body. Or that he is now entitled to sex on the tap.
One thing I would ask him is this. IF you two had a daughter and her BF treated her that way, HOW would he feel?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): He sounds like an abuser. He is emotionally abusing you and trying to control you. Saying what do you think your lips are for? That's disgusting - and he is your husband! Go to counselling by yourself and work on building your self esteem so you will eventually see that this is not healthy behaviour for ordinary relationships.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 May 2014):
 "He tells me I have a big mouth and big lips and what do I think there, there for?"
I read that and thought that if a guy ever said that to me, husband or not, I'd stare him down and tell him that my teeth are for ripping his glans off and spitting it in his face. Seriously, that is a disgusting thing to say, and he is trying to control YOUR sexuality. He's doing it for power and dominance because you've given him control over your sexual response. I'd leave a guy who treated me that way.
Seriously, YOU control your own sexuality. Don't let him touch you - bring yourself to orgasm and let him pound sand. He's using you as a living fleshlight and not making actual LOVE to you. You don't owe him anything. He is lucky you have sex with him.
Another thing - he's conditioning you, which is emotional abuse. Being nice to you when you give him what he wants and blackmailing you when you don't? Sorry, you don't have to let him ejaculate into your mouth if you don't want him to, and it's up to you to tell him that you're not doing oral if he breaks your trust. You also said that sex doesn't satisfy and he'll want more? That's a sex addict or porn addict's train of thought. What will he demand, threesomes? Anal? Floggers? Bondage or fetish sex??? You give in now, and it won't stop.
He is *not* entitled. Your mouth isn't there for his pleasure. It's YOURS, and you can use it to tell him enough is enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): Thank you (Cerberus), I appreciate your answer and your truthfulness what you thought in this matter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): "What do you do when your husband denies you a sexual orgasm or intercourse if you don't do it first?"
Whip out my vibrator and please myself instead.
That's what I'd do if I was a woman and in your situation.
There's nothing sexual I won't do for my wife, I'll even have sex with her when I'm not in the mood or do things I don't necessarily like because she's just as selfless.
But if she blackmailed me with demands, some tit for tat bullshit? I'd go have wank instead and that's before I dumped her for being complete and utter blackmailing bitch.
OP I'm not going to go to the bother of analysing all the horrible, detestable bullshit he says and how he treats you. You know without a shadow of a doubt it's not on, it's disrespectful and verging on abuse.
You married a selfish asshole, that hurts you emotionally, treats you like a cumdumpster and blackmails you, and of course he won't do anything like counselling to fix it because that would require having respect for you as more than just a warm mouth to guzzle his semen.
So there's no fix here, OP counselling really is the only way but he won't do it.
I agree with him though, OP, you should go yourself. You should go get counselled about this. It won't fix him of course but it'll give you strength and perspective on what you should and should not tolerate.
Go see a counsellor and then end the whole discussion about sex with your husband. You've said your piece, he's said his there's nothing left to be said because he's blackmailing you. Just buy yourself a good quality vibrator with all the trimmings, maybe you can even find one that plays America, the Beautiful while you masturbate.
The time for pandering to his selfishness is at an end. It's time to look after yourself and have enough self-respect to just say you don't feel sexy anymore and you don't want sex because he does nothing to make you feel that way. You're a woman, not just a warm hole.
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