A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 22 and I am a virgin. More so, I am a virgin who just got engaged. I really want to have sex and so does my man - not that hes pressuring me at all. The problem is every time I try it hurts too much... i've used copious amounts of lube and even the doctors say its "all fine" down there. I don't know what I can do to make it hurt less so that I can just get on with it. Now its come to a point every time we get close to doing it, I lose my drive and push him off me and fall asleep. I feel really bad for him even though he hasn't complained even once. I really want to solve this problem before it gets really bad.. I am after all marrying him!Are there any creams or remedies that make it not hurt?PLEASE help :(-Miss Nosexdrive
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (18 January 2008):
I'd say August is a pretty good month for getting married. On August 31, 1974 we had been back from a wonderful honeymoon in Nova Scotia for about a week.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAugust 31st! I'm so excited with the planning too!
Again, thanks for your suggestions!
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (17 January 2008):
It is VERY REWARDING to know that somebody at least reads the replies to a question! Please return at least one more time and let us know how it went. Which suggestions were useful, and which were way off base. Your first-hand experience might be VERY helpful to somebody else who stumbles across this thread in the future.p.s. - I'm probably too sentimental and romantic, but I hope you're successful with my version of the "muscle relaxer". But something tells me you're going to need the approach "birdynumnums" suggested. She and I agree on what needs to happen - it's mostly a matter of how best to achieve it. I know (from experience) that taking this sort of problem to a doctor can be embarrassing but there is NO reason to be ashamed about it! You might find it easier to write out your question, or even simply print this web page, and hand it to your doctor. She/he will understand; it won't be the first time somebody has presented such a problem in that way.p.p.s. - How long until the wedding? I wish I could re-live those 54 weeks before I got married, and the year or so afterwards.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): Its all bout stretching the vagina muscles, have a hot bath, a glass of wine and lots of foreplay and do everything slowly and gently it will hurt the first couple times until ur muscles have stretched a bit, get through the uncomfort and relax and think sexy thoughts and hopefully after a few times you can have pleasurable sex!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou very much for all your replies! I had no idea what I might have actually has a name! It makes me feel relieved!
I will first try the wine and excessive foreplay remedy before going trying the muscle relaxants.
Thankyou very much. If there are more suggestions keep em coming!
cheers!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (16 January 2008):
 The creams aren't effective because you need a muscle relaxer. The pain is like an endless circle, the fear of pain causes the vagina to clamp down even more.
A doctor's diagnosis is like a triangle. It is based on three things. The Doctor's knowledge. The physical exam. What the patient tells the Doctor. If one of these three things is missing, you don't get an accurate diagnosis.
I'm guessing that you were a bit shy to tell the Doctor about the actual problem, and the reason for the visit. IF YOU DID tell him that you couldn't have sex because of the pain, you can do one of two things. Perhaps hasn't heard of this condition. Go back and tell him the name of the condition, Vaginismus, that you suspect you have and ask him for the muscle relaxants OR #2. Switch Doctors if he won't give them to you.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (16 January 2008):
WOW,you must be feeling really uncomfortable about it.Having read birdynumnums' answer and you having stated that doctors say that everything seems fine,i'm compelled to think it's really about your fear more than anything else.You really need to shut your eyes and tell yourself you can do it.I'm sure you can endure the pain,even though you may cry a bit.All those suggested creams may not be effective coz as the doctors say there's nothing wrong with your vagina!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (16 January 2008):
"birdynumnums" gave the technical, medical, answer that you should carefully consider.
If you want to have one more try at doing it the "old fashioned way", here's a suggestion:
The best "cream or remedy" is about an ounce of ethanol, mixed with about 6-8 ounces of water and flavoring, and taken orally 30 minutes before attempting intercourse. (For those who don't get the humor, I'm suggesting a glass of wine - ONE glass, no more! - at the start of lovemaking.)
Then proceed to pleasure and prepare each other. He needs to bring you to orgasm - oral sex is probably the easiest way to do that at your level of experience. After your orgasm you will be as relaxed, lubricated, and open as you will ever be.
Then you need to get on top of him. YOU are the one who can feel the correct location, angle, and pressure that will achieve insertion. You might do this while laying on top of him, or it might work better if you squat over him.
Usually they suggest that you bring him to climax early in your lovemaking. This will give him better control, and make him more aware of your needs and body language. It sounds like your guy doesn't need this kind of help - he's got a LOT more control than I did when my wife and I took each others' virginity on our wedding night!! I hope you praise him for that, and find other, non-penetrative ways to satisfy his sexual needs.
Traditionally, a woman's pain at first intercourse has been associated with breaking her hymen. If that membrane was especially thick or she was especially fearful, she might ask her doctor to surgically open it - which supposedly can be done with very little discomfort. More recently, people believe the pain reported by many girls actually comes from stretching the vaginal muscles as the penis enters her.
(After being disappointed and ashamed of my performance when my wife & I first had sex I did a lot of reading on what I should have done differently. I'll never put the knowledge to use, but I can pass it on to others. You can read about my first experience in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html but I warn you - it was NOT a painless experience for either my wife or me. Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us!)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (16 January 2008):
By the way, It's called "Vaginismus" and you can google it on Wiki and read all about it. Hope this helped!
XXX
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (16 January 2008):
Hi,
A few women have extreme pain because the muscles clench up in the vagina, but this doesn't happen very often. It can be caused by fear, anxiety from trying beforehand and previously having pain, or it can come from hang-up from your upbringing or past - uptight family, religious upbringing, guilt, strict morals or past abuse. That's all just possible theories for why it could happen, But what happens is that the muscles just clench up and don't allow anything in.
If this is what's happening to you, you and your partner should go to your gynecologist or doctor and tell them your problem, even if it is a bit embarrassing, try to get into the same details that you have told us. Ask them if they can prescribe a muscle relaxant for a few nights. A friend of mine had this happen to her years ago and this is what her doctor (in Canada) gave to her. She has two kids now, so it worked! She's the one who told me all about the trouble that she was having and the doctors advice! So, you are perfectly normal, it does happen to other girls, and she told me that after the first time, she didn't need the muscle relaxants ever again. Turned out her sex drive was fine once they got going. I'm sure that if it worked for her, it can work for you too.
Hope this helped! Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, xapathyxrebornx  +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Hmmm this one is a hard one.
Ok so you've tried lube and that hasn't helped.
Foreplay have you tried that?
Foreplay and lube?
This may be because you are virgin, the first time...usually...hurts for most women, the amount of pain depends on the woman, we are all unique.
Maybe if you tried foreplay, used some lube and then gently...even though it hurts....just try and deal with the pain maybe after that it will ease up once your body gets used to being streched =] x
message me if you want to talk =] x
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (16 January 2008):
 First of all I commend you on waiting for sex with the one you love. I suggest using your finger to masterbate for a few days. After that, find something a little bigger to do it with each time for a few days until you either bust the hymen(thats a good thing) or till it gets to the point where you think you can take him. As far as lube goes, really any good water based lube should do. Try KY.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (15 January 2008):
 i havent heard of anything for something like that - apart from lube. yes some girsl do find it painful at first, but after its amazing!!is it excruciating pain??do you just go straight into it or have foreplay beforehand? i know this sounds weird but maybe you could start off putting other things in there ie his fingers etc, so that you can get used to the sensation. part of it could be phsycological, you might be making yourself nervous and scared. you love this man he loves you - sex is amazing esp for 2 ppl in love, so just take things slow, and you'll do it eventually...ps you have yourself a great man there!!congrats on the engagement, if you need any more help just email me xxx
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