A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. Aside from all of the false accusations of infidelity (that seem to be habitual for him...and kill me inside), he uses depression and unemployment as excuses for his harsh words about me, my character, my soul and my mind. He says that he needs to get through this tough time in order to stop being like that with me.Patience used to be a virtue of mine, but after months on end of endless accusations, my fuse has worn very short. My confidence has slowly crumbled and I am trying very very hard to be there and support him but that is difficult when he is constantly putting me down whenever I am not within an arms reach of him. It tends to be like clockwork - the moment I leave for my job, his attitude turns sour and the accusations begin shortly thereafter.This past weekend, my heart sunk to an new low. I had driven (with him) to another city to visit my mother for the holiday. After almost 3 hours of accusations while I was at work, followed by nearly 10 hours in the car, I was exhausted - mentally and emotionally. While I was trying to fall asleep, he said that he had to come/cum. He told me one week ago that if I did not give him what he wanted sexually, that I needed to understand that it was a catalyst for a man to get what he wants somewhere else. So, I pulled down my pajama pants and we started to have sex. I had not showered in almost a day and a half and we had sex the night before. After five minutes he pulls out, disgusted, saying "you smell like a dirty pig, that is the grossest p*ssy I have ever smelled, what did you do? Why is your p*ssy stretched out? That is strange, tell me why it is stretched out (implying that I had sex earlier that day). You smell disgusting." Broken, I rolled over, tried not to get visibly upset and went to sleep. Because he "needed to come/cum", he went to the bathroom to do it himself and I did not complain.Are the things he says to me normal? Am I being the "typical woman" (as he claims) when I get upset at his words and accusations that are followed by the sex that makes me feel degraded and used? Am I being too sensitive? Do men say things like this to their girlfriends or wives and then the women accept it as a part of a relationship? I have never been in a relationship where I was treated like that, but he tells me that it was because none of my ex-boyfriends really loved me.Please, insight would be wonderful...
View related questions:
at work, confidence, infidelity, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): Even if he says he loves you and wants to be with you, this is not enough! Actions speak louder than words and sometimes loving and wanting someone isn't enough if, as in this case, he cannot treat you properly because of his own issues and personality problems. My ex loved me but he abused me terribly so I left and afterwards he WAS srry, very sorry but it was unfortunately far too late. He loved me but I think he loved himself more and he had serious issues which took over his love for me. We can't love other people properly and show our love in a good way if we don't already love and respect ourselves. Until your BF sorts his own self out there is no hope at all for him to love anyone else & but that I mean love beyond having the feelings but actually showing the love in the right way. Some people say love is enough to get us through and others say it is not enough. Don't get caught up in the 'he wants me he wants me' stuff. His presenting behaviour is, bottom line, what really counts. All of the other people gave you some great answers. Even if you are struggling with this at least please get some space from him and get back in touch with your real self. He sounds nasty and cruel and disrespectful and I felt so sad reading your post because you can so much better than this loser. All best wishes to you.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (30 December 2009):
 What a dog! Get rid of him ASAP!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): He IS a lunatic, and NOT displaying typical behaviour. Most men are sweet, loving, and supportive. He sounds like an abuser's abuser.
"For some reason, I am having a very difficult time getting it through my head." This happened to me too, when I finally broke off a toxic relationship. That was four months ago. My mind is in way better shape now, but I still know that I'm vulnerable.
You'll get over it. Just permit yourself to experience the "one day at a time." Try not to overthink it (easier said than done, I know!) Writing down his bad behaviour in a journal, and rereading it several times a day, will help too.
Maybe make 2010 the year of You. Break up with him completely, and spend it doing things to get you feeling better. Best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2009): Don't waste one more minute on this scumbag. Why are you putting up with this treatment??!!!!!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): Wow, everyone, thank you for the responses. I am the original poster and the feedback has been very thought-provoking.
For some reason, I am having a very difficult time getting it through my head. We had an argument last night and he said that while there are things about me that he does not like and he thinks that I am crazy, he wants to be with me. He gets very angry with me all of the time for not having as high of a sex drive as he would like and it leads to terrible arguments, shouting, accusations where I have to defend *nothings*.
When we first met, I thought he was a Godsend. When we are in public or around my family, he is that same person. Why can't he just be that person with *me*. Why does he care more about what other people think about him and how he makes other people feel, yet have little (or no) regard for the way he makes me feel?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): Oh my word! Honey if he needs to cum on demand, point him in the direction of Ann Summers Oxford St..............they sell some toy for guys called 'piece of pussy' lol. Then he will never have this problem again he can cum & cum & cum til he can't come no more! You can do this before or after you dump him........either is fine! He's been out of work for a long time so maybe en route to Ann Summers he could pop to the Jobcentre! You say he's depressed? So he can pop into his GP too & get a counsellor referral. Get rid of him. Best of luck xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): Your boyfriend sounds like a stupid disgusting man. Just dump him and enjoy being free until you meet someone better who's worth your time. Guys like this rarely change their spots. Being depressed is a medical thing that can't always be helped but it doesn't justify this type of abuse at all. The others gave you some good pointers. Leopards don't change their spots methinks. Also you are young & in your 'prime'! Oh pleeeeeeze just kick him to the kerb plz plz plz otherwise he really will ruin your life. Dump him. If he really loves you he will get help, get a job, change his ways & beg you to come back and prove he has changed. Put the ball in his court and leave him to get on with it and don't take any crap off him and meantime get on with your life without him and enjoy being young single and fun again. We have only one life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): No this is not normal at all. Lots of people suffer from depression & it's ok for their families to support them but that does not mean it is ok for them to abuse the people that they should love! This guy would probably abuse you even if he wasn't depressed - he sounds insecure, weak, damaged, bitter & nasty. I would run for the hills so fast there'd be skid marks! He is a bully & is using you as an emotional puncbag. This is not just a case of your depressed unemployed boyfriend getting a bit stroppy with you out of frustration/depression & then regretting it - this is deep seated nastiness & he will damage you more and more the longer you stay with him. I agree with the poster who made the point about violence ... next stop a slap in the face, then perhaps a split lip, a black eye .. then you end up in casualty - this is close to my heart because it happened to me years ago - I left and never looked back & I now have a good life, am well educated, got two beautiful daughters, two lovely dogs & a new man! Get away from this horrible creep before he ruins you. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): Jesus, this is my husband! My God woman, run as far as you can from this infantile, insecure, overbearing, egotistic, narcisstic S.O.B.....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): Hi, I'm sorry to read about the abuse you have suffered. Your partner sounds like an insecure, weak bully & I think it would take years of psychotherapy to even remotely being to sort him out.
You can do much much better and I think deep down you know this, which is why you posted?? To answer your question directly, no this is not normal behaviour and no, most women would not tolerate this.
Re sex, the female vagina is a sexual organ, not a bunch of roses (a point he might like to note!) and it may smell different at varying times of the month, including can have a metallic smell around the time of menstruation or just before. We are mammals and we all may occasionally smell of bodies, particularly after having sex with him before and a long drive and also if you are stressed you could have been sweating more or anything, without realising it. Anyway my point is that how dare he speak to you like that? It is totally unacceptable and he clearly has serious issues re insecurity and may even have a borderline personality disorder!
If your partner is suffering from depression and is worried about being unemployed then giving support is ok as long as it is not at the expense of your own self worth. Do not let him drag you down with him because he will wear you away to nothing and another two years down the line you will feel even worse.
Why not go out & treat yourself to something nice, get him out of your hair so you can actually relax physically and mentally in a nice long luxurious bath without him around hassling you, then get dressed up and go out with your friends and no doubt you will soon feel fun and attractive again! In the meantime I would tell him that you need some space from him and suggest he gets counselling. Also, if he needs to 'cum' so desperately that when you are not available he feels the need to go get it somewhere else, tell him to feel free! He is a nasty bully and a control freak.
I would also suggest to him to get his act together and look for a job or get on a course! If he is genuinely depressed and this is affecting his employment status then he needs to get counselling but there is no excuse at all for his behaviour towards you. The others have given you some good answers - these are just a few extra thoughts from me - hope at least one or two of them help. Good luck! Don't let anyone drag you down. You have your life, your health, your career, family & friendships to look after. Just beacuse he is down in the dumps does not mean you have to go down with him and in any case if he drags you down, you will be in no position to help yourself or him or anyone and you are worth much more than that! Take care x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): Ok... this might be hard to read or accept, but THIS man does not love you. The way he treats you is not normal - it is ABUSIVE. Say that to yourself a few times, it is going to be hard to believe. He is emotionally abusive. He does not care about you. He uses you for sex. He degrades you emotionally and physically. He does not trust you. He DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
You may love him, but love yourself more. Leave him. Today. Pack your bags and just go, anywhere but there. You will thank yourself later. Good luck to you; you deserve so much better and you will get it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): hon, when CaringGuy uses words like s*** you can be sure that you've pushed a hot button. I have never ever heard him talk like that to ANYONE. i agree with him totally...leave today. Mal
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Lol, you got to love the last one.
"but he tells me that it was because none of my ex-boyfriends really loved me."
Classic.
In a way, yes this is "normal" and yes other women do accept this.
What you are experiencing is a classic case of mental abuse and controlling behavior.
Let me explain roughly how it works:
Man: You are cheating when you hang out with your friends.
Woman: I am not dear, I proof it by not hanging out with my friends any more.
Man: You are cheating when you are late from the office.
Woman: I am not dear, to proof it you can pick me up and bring me straight back home.
Man: You are cheating when you go out alone.
Woman: I am not dear, to proof it, I will never leave the house alone again.
And then one day, the woman asks: Why am I completely alone, have no friends and he still doesn't trust me?
It is the way the controller works who chooses mental abuse. Physical abuse is far less effective. After all if you punch a woman to hard you got to explain why you are digging yet another hole in the garden. And that last line he fed you is the physical equivalent of a baseball bat in the face.
It works beautifully, because he puts the blame on you and lifts him up. See how much he loves you by not trusting you?
So, he is an abuser, nobody here will disagree with that, except you perhaps.
And that is the real problem. Why are you allowing this to happen to you? Often women like you have something wrong with them. There is no way a "normal" woman would have to ask whether this is normal.
You either come from a really sheltered background, or grew up in a world were abuse/control was the norm, or you have been extremely desperate for a relationship.
Something has to explain why you are even asking whether this is normal.
Get out of this relationship as soon as possible and then get some proffesional help to work out why you think that it might be normal for a man to degrade a woman this much. Because one thing that often happens is that women in abusive relationships set a pattern for themselves that they cannot escape until they deal with why they "seek out" these relations in the first place.
Something drove you to him and unless you address that, you will go from bad relation to bad relation.
What he says is not normal and you should not accept this. But it happens far to often. If you don't believe me, watch this forum for a while, your story is all to common.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): GET OUT NOW!!!! Sweetheart this is abuse. Run as fast as you can. Go now. I cannot stress it enough, he is systematically destroying you. This is not normal, or acceptable behaviour. It is the behaviour of an emotionally abusive pig. Go now. Call someone to come help you get away. Go darling, go, mal
...............................
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Dump him!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): That might have been triggered by depression, but is not it's consequence... The man is energetic vampire, and refills his own energy by sucking all of yours out. In other words, he only feels good about himself (at least he thinks so), when he humiliates you and puts you down. Things like that cannot be written off to depression and you need to leave... It's is his personality, and you will not be able to live with this forever. Go. Leave him if you ever want to be happy. He is a disgusting creature and a poor excuse of a man.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 December 2009):
No woman on earth should be subject to this degrading and appalling treatment. Thank you for coming here. Now I will give you your advice. Dump this useless disgusting excuse for a man right now. I've never even spoken like that about my ex, and she cheated on me! There's nothing wrong with you at all, it's all him. He's a shit a bully and has no place anywhere. Get rid of him and find a guy who really does love you. He's just a pig. You can do better.
...............................
|
