A
female
age
30-35,
*adedpearl
writes:Aunts and Uncles...Have any of you (honest answers please) had a physical fight with your current spouse?I just want to know if there are relationships that exist with absolutely NO violence towards one another.Again, please be honest.Thank you for your response.
View related questions:
violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 February 2013):
I have been with my fiancee for 5 years. I cannot for the life of me even conceive of a situation where I would lay one finger on her in a violent manner, and I have a bad temper.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): The relationships you have been in and witnessed are abnormal and dysfunctional. Most relationships are not like that but it depends on the type of people you get involved with. For many people violence is a way of life so to them it is normal. But it really isn't you just need to find a better class of people to associate with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2013):
 I have never been in a relationship where hitting each other was OK. Horsing around for FUN (tickle/wrestle) but hitting in anger? BIG NO NO!
And yes it can be done, been married 15 year and neither of us have ever laid a finger on each other... OR our kids. I would never stay in a realtionshi that made me feel like violence is OK or "normal".
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Congratulations for having eventually found the courage and the smartness to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship, and having kissed goodbye to your days as a human punching ball. If this is all you ever have witnessed, it took you guts.
BUT, you still have a problem. And the problem is that you are not equipped to deal with arguments and confrontation properly , effectively, and, let me add, decorously. You may find a guy that would not dream to hit a woman ever , and / or you may find a guy that does not push your buttons by calling you names, being arrogant and confrontational, etc, - a guy that does not " make you " slap him. The problem is that the most exquisite, respectful of men can do things that involuntarily push your buttons, annoy you, make you see red. Silly things, you know, leaving the toilet seat up, glancing at another girl one second too much. Things that bring up your anger or discomfort or annoyance. That could happen even with a saint.But if you don't know how to deal constructively, and in a socially acceptable way, with these potential conflicts, - and, if you have a low boiling point and , say, a cross word or a raised voice sets you off- then what happens ? That you keep dealing with your anger improperly- i.e. slapping, and the guy hopefully won't react by beating you to a pulp, but he WIIL react . Dumping you there and then,on the spot, or having you arrested for assault. End of the "peaceful " love story.
It takes two people to make a relationship go on, and each one needs to take responsibility for what they are doing in the relationship- or TO the relationship. In other words, it's not enough to say Oh if I meet Mr. Nice Guy I am sure I'll be fine- no, you'll be fine if you are Miss Nice Girl too :)
I suggest you look into solving your anger issues, before taking up with another guy .Maybe anger management classes ?
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Non-violent relationships exist! Yes! I assure you they do! Peaceful and calm relationships exist.
You did slap him, but when it comes down it it doesn't matter who hit first, because being hit is still never an excuse to hit back. And his size does come into play, as well as him being provocative and assaulting you by yelling up in your face. My last ex did that too, he was three times my size and he would hover over me while screaming at the top of his lungs (!!) and calling me names. I know how terrifying that is.
Yet, there is never an excuse to hit someone, who even while he screamed at you, you should not have hit him. What you should have done was walk away (if he let you, my ex didn't allow me to even move around the room when he yelled at me). You should also have ended the relationship once he started screaming at you like that, so that it couldn't happen again. You should also end a relationship if you, or the other person, become physically abusive. Abuse is a good sign that the relationship is not a healthy one, and should not continue.
The only way you can have a peaceful relationship in the future is by following two steps: never accept anyone to verbally or physically abuse you. If they do, you must leave and end the relationship. Second, never allow yourself to verbally or physically abuse anyone. Not even if they "start" the argument, or if the are provocative. Not even in self defense (you ought to have good reason to believe he will kill you, before such a claim will hold up in court). Because no matter how scary someone is, before things escalated to violence you had the option of ending the relationship and leaving. If you choose to stay you also choose to allow escalations. That is why you must always leave such a relationship, once the line is crossed. And the line is way before the physical abuse, the line is when the other person shows clear aggression and scares you, for example by screaming up in your face and calling names.
You will find a better man, but take it slow and make sure you heal from this past relationship first. If you move into a new relationship too quickly you will only bring the past with you into the new relationship. So make sure the past is put behind you, and that you've dealt with the past relationship, before you move on to a new relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 February 2013):
Yes, of course there are marriages and relationships without any physical violence at all, in fact, maybe I have been lucky, but I'd say it's the norm,- the violent ones are the exception - and I think it is very sad and troubling that you have to wonder IF these relationships exist, it means that you have seen a lot of violence around you , and probably for futile reasons too, if it has become so normal that the opposite - non violent relationships - sounds sort of unfamiliar to you.
Verbal violence, yelling, name calling - or emotional abuse , that's another story. Not that it is fair or right or acceptable - somehow, it just happens more often.
But , just laying a hand on a partner it is generally seen as a big big BIG deal- and for most women, thank God, an instant dealbreaker too.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): "I just want to know if there are relationships that exist with absolutely NO violence towards one another."MOST relationships exist with absolutely NO violence, so I must sadly suspect you have been physically abused by a guy who's telling you that violent behavior is normal and expected because you're just "having some ups and downs just like any couple does" (to quote a classic DC catchphrase of dysfunctional relationships), and I wouldn't be surprised if you witnessed domestic violence while growing up which is likely the precipitating event leading to your current suspected abusive relationship. There is NO excuse for a man to put his hands on a woman when he can turn and walk away instead. If you need to ask such a question, then you need to talk to somebody, preferably a counsellor or other health professional.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 My (then) girlfriend told me that if I ever hit her she would immediately end the relationship. Period.
I`m not inclined that way anyway, but I`ve always admired her forthright stance on the issue. I've told our daughters what she said and recommended they do the same.
We've been together for 30 years, married 25, and no, there's never been any violence.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 February 2013):
 I am so anti- violence that as a result i know that I would walk from the relationship the same hour and day a man first ever tried to physically or verbally abuse me.
I like things peaceful and respectful. We deal with anything within the same 24 hours it arises.
He was irritated with me for changing some plans recently, at the last minute. As a result we did what we do in these situations. We talk things through as soon as we become aware of anything niggling the other.
I am aware that he likes people to be on time always, so I make an extra effort (I fail occasionally to be on time) to start getting ready earlier, for anything we are attending together, just so I will be ready same time as him.
I think I am so anti violence in a relationship as I was brought up in a household where both my parents were alcoholics. Very often neighbors called Police as a result of the noise of their fighting.
So my parents (unknowingly) taught me all about how not to behave in a relationship.
I regard all forms of violence in a relationship as an Abusive (and thus unacceptable) in a relationship. Be it physical violence, verbal or psychological violence.
Or anyone of the other Abuse flags, indicating a relationship in serious trouble.
One of my dear friends has been in more than one violent relationship. But now my friend is single and has had lots of support and has finally realized that no one should ever put up with violence in a relationship.
I am not aware of any of my other friends being in an abusive relationship. But if they were I would encourage both parties to get counselling individually.
Then, if they still want to continue the relationship, to then come together for couples counselling. And then maybe an Anger Management course.
My view is that any relationship that is abusive (such as the presence of physical violence or verbal or psychological etc etc abuse) is a relationship headed for troubled times.
Because VIOLENCE is never acceptable.
...............................
A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (3 February 2013):
jadedpearl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to everyone who replied,My stepdad was violent towards my mother at least two times when he was drunk, that was many years ago and has since stopped. The first serious boyfriend I had, we were living together. We got into an argument and he likes to yell over me and he was saying the most nastiest and hurtful things to me and he was right in my face almost nose to nose with me and spit was coming out of his mouth and landing on me he was yelling so much. I felt like a piece of garbage to him that he could talk to me the way he did. I screamed very loudly for him to just stop and I stepped back and slapped him across his cheek. He slapped me back with such force knocking me to the ground and told me, "If I want to fight like a man, then you are going to get hit like a man." I let this go on at least 9 other times over the course of a year and a half. Each time we got into an argument it would escalate to me slapping him just for him to stop and quit calling me names and me getting knocked to the ground or him bashing my head with closed fists. I am ashamed I let it continue but I was too afraid if I called the cops they would lock me up even though I had the markings. I was too afraid they would take me away for slapping him first. I left the relationship this past December and I am hopeful that one day I can find a man who is neither emotional or physical abusive towards me. It was wrong for both of us to put our hands on each other, but I also feel it was wrong of him to hit me like he did with him being 90 pounds bigger than me and much stronger. I just needed clarification that non-violent relationships exist, because this is all I have ever known. Thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 February 2013):
Yes, there are relationships with no violence. My first relationship had no violence in it (although we were fighting ugly, we fought with words). My current relationship doesn't have violence of any sort. No name calling, no aggression. The worst that's happened was him walking out to calm down, and a couple of times we've slammed doors, but that was a year ago. During the biggest fight we had these past 6 months we just sat and talked at 4AM (not even loud as there were people sleeping in the next room) and then were grumpy in the morning (probably due to lack of sleep as well as having argued) and then in the afternoon we were good again.
Violence can not be part of a relationship. If there is violence you need to walk out. If there is violence then the line has been crossed. Violence is never acceptable, and there is no justification for it.
My dad was violent towards me and my siblings and my mother. I've also been in two relationships that had physical violence in them (as well as verbal abuse). So I know what it's like to be in such relationships, but I also know that it isn't right when it happens, and I can not be happy in an abusive relationship where violence occurs. I need a calm and peaceful relationship where I can trust that my partner will never intentionally hurt me, physically or verbally.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 February 2013):
 daddy yelled but there was never violence between my parents.
my first husband and i never were violent together ever
my third husband was violent towards himself but never towards me
of course it's possible.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): All my previous relationships had been violent bar 1... In my current marriage however its not so much physical but very emotionally abusive, my husband is very paranoid, possessive and controlling - it is by far much worse than any punch I've ever taken, I have slapped my husband for calling me names once, recently. He has grabbed me, smashed up my phone and other belongings, but hasn't actually hit me. We've been together 4yrs, married for 2yrs. I feel trapped and unable to leave due to the way he has so cleverly isolated me that much the only person I now have is him. Im not sure why you asked this, but no abuse physical or emotional is fair or right, don't fall for the I'm sorrys' or the 'I'll change' 'it wont happen again' because they wont change, it only gets worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, LucyLu18  +, writes (3 February 2013):
I have been in an abusive relationship myself. After time and isolation he tricked me into thinking it was my fault and normal. I'm happy to say I am now in a great relationship with an amazing, supportive man. No violence (emotional or physical) has happened at all. Obviously we have the occasional argument but we can resolve it properly :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): I have had 3 relationships in my life and none of them have involved physical violence at all. There were disagreements of course, but that is as far as it went.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Jade,
We have had a 25 year marriage with no direct physical violence. Before our marriage she slapped my back quite hard to get me to stop tickling her feet.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): My last relationship lasted four years and I think I raised my voice to him three times, and he to me once. If a man was physical with me in any way, I would leave and never look back. So should you.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 February 2013):
There has never been any violence in my relationship. Sadly though, I do know of a few where there has been. I believe the rough numbers suggest that 1 in 4 women will suffer violence in a relationship.
However, Aunty BimBim has a point that it's not always physical violence that can cause so much paint, but mental abuse as well.
What's the reason for you asking this question?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): In my experience, no violence at all is the norm. My parents were never violent to each other and neither were the parents of my friends. We consider relationships where there is violence (even just once) as an aberration. Yes other family members have or are in relationships where there was violence and we considered it abnormal.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 February 2013):
My parents were never violent, although my dad could yell like crazy. I've never laid a hand on any woman and rarely yell, and I'm definitely not verbally abusive.
I've had one relationship where we didn't fight at all.... it was amazing!
I'm not sure why you're asking, but you don't have to accept violence as being inevitable because it's absolutely not.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Hell yes i've had relationships that don't have physical violence! In fact, i've never had one single one that's had physical violence! it's not the norm. I don't know if you're just surrounded by people who think it's okay or have those issues frequently, but honestly, I don't know really anyone who DOES have that issue. So yes, it's definitely possible..
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (3 February 2013):
 I know many relationships without violence between the partners and without violence towards other family members. I am not saying the people in these relationships don't have arguments and get upset with each other but they are able to resolve problems without raising hands or fists, AND, because abuse can also be emotional and mental, without cutting each other into little bits, and without withholding or manipulating emotions.
I hope that answers your question.
...............................
|
