A
male
age
36-40,
*umpy
writes:Are open relationships better? When do you know you're ready for one? Do you think you could handle it?For me personally, i don't think I could do it; I can't stand the thought of my partner being with someone else. At the same time, it goes both ways; if I expect that from my partner then I likewise do the same, because you treat people the way you want to be treated. But if you think about it, it'd be so much easier if you didn't care. It'd solve all the problems with "cheating." I imagine everyone here feels attracted to people OTHER than their husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend at least occasionally. Sometimes, the opportunity to be with that someone else arises, and you make the choice to say yes or no. You say no, and it's status quo; great, you're happy with your current relationship and you're just not interested in anyone else. Ideally this is how everyone feels.But say you're not entirely satisfied; you may love your partner, but he/she is deficient in some way, nobody is perfect, I know, but there's a nagging dissatisfaction. Maybe you've been married too long, maybe you married too early, maybe you married for the wrong reasons. Maybe it's just getting stale, married or not. Maybe you have sexual needs to satisfy that your partner can't. Maybe you need variety and it's constantly nagging on your mind. maybe you don't know what you want, but you've committed too early and now it's strictly obligatory. Who knows? There are a billion reasons to cheat, everyone is tempted, all of them have associated guilt/regret/pain afterwards, you knew it was wrong, etc etc.On one hand your life is too short to spend in an unhappy relationship, but rarely is it black and white. It's easy to give advice when it's clear that a relationship is no good for you, but it's more often than not a shade of gray. You're "satisfied" but you still yearn for something more, sometimes. Making the decision to stand pat in a long term relationship is a rational decision; it's worked out this long so obviously there's things about it that work well but, you've also felt that someone else might be better. Is pretty good, good enough? Does the grass always look greener? Should you even have these kinds of thoughts if you're actually in love?On the other hand, you can be rid of these feelings if you had something more open. Again, I don't know if it's the best way to live; you'll always be attracted to other people, there are always temptations, but I wonder how many times you can say no before you mess up. Just a jumble of thoughts, thanks for reading. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Isaiah  +, writes (14 November 2008):
I believe a relationship is about people who relate in some kind of ship. However, the ship you find yourself in may not have everything you thought it had in it, but whatever it had in it was enough for you to have some initial interest to board on it. Therefore, we must see the relationship for what it was intended for. Let's not try to make more out of it than whatever drew us to this person. In the meantime, there's other ships out there with different things inside. What I'm saying that it's okay to take a look and explore many different types of relationships like dating, and have many partners for many different things or maybe even two or more for the exact same thing in order to make your life more happy and fulfilling.
As far as open relationships are concerned, it's all about honesty, trust, and maturity for them to work out. Therefore, if your not at least 85% honest, 90% trustworthy, and fully matured (free from ego impatience to want more from someone now because you have a low sense of self worth), then you have to work on that first before you can even start an open relationship. If doesn't even feel natural to be this way at whatever stage you're in then an open relationship would become very detrimental to you, because you are at the very least going to cause it to become detrimental. Also, once you get involved in one it's a good idea to test your partners for honesty, trustworthiness, and full maturity before considering them as partners. Another thing to factor in is reasons for why they previously separated from their ex's. If you here more blaming than a sole decision to look for someone more interesting, then those types definitely won't handle an open relationship. Also, test for jealousy. The best way to test for this is to find out your partner's initial reaction to inviting a future partner into the bed with both of you. This is where you would read the person's body language or use your intuition to determine if the reaction seems negative, neutral, or positive. Only consider positive reactions, not shrugs of the shoulders, I don't knows, I don't care, or furrowed eyebrows. If your partner does not even crack a smile, they would most likely get jealous. The more interested they are, then the more partners you could possibly have. Even if they seem only a little interested, then ask them, so what limit of partners would be comfortable for you, and should we get checked out at a clinic before we do anything together. In other words be smart before you get involved in an open relationship. As with all things it's not what you do that determines the results it's how you do something that determines them. You can either do it the smart way or the dumb way. You choose.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 It is impossible to "agree" on whether open relationships are better or not. They will be better for some, very bad for others. There's no middle ground.
In the end, you can do only one of two things: monogamy or "open relationships". Don't think too much into it and choose one.
Let me use an example: Say you want an ice cream cone, and there's only two flavors: vanilla and chocolate. Take one, and you won't have the other. If you spend too much time thinking, you will have neither. Or, if you get one and start thinking about the other, the ice cream will melt.
...............................
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Hi,
people come in all shapes and sizes and all kinds of tastes and peculiarities.
Your conservative housewife with the perfect model family may just be a suburban dominatrix who likes dishing out pain to the local high school principal.
The local magistrate may like having someone rub sandpaper on his erect penis ( sorry! but I acutally read that one -British judge of course hehe)
The point I guess I'm making is that we all have different tastes and desires, but in a marriage there is a compromise of sorts, its whether this compromise is heavily weighed in favour of one person or not...i.e if one person has no problem with an open marriage but the other does - there is not too much of a compromise that can be had here , you will either sleep with a person you are not married to or you wont.
An open marriage will only ever work if both man and woman are into it, it's as simple as that I believe.
...............................
A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Thats a good question, and insight. It all depends on trust and honesty (which are the main building blocks in a good healthy relationship). An open relationship is awsome for a couple who are aware, and honest about being attracted to other people outside themselves. Too often, there are couples in which one partner feels that way, but because the other dosnt feel that way, the partner that does has to try to conform that way of thinking to please the other. As a result, once the "honeymoon period" is over, that "naughty" partner acts on his/her feelings of being attracted to someone else, which results in breakups, heartbreak, divorce, etc... It would be so easy if we all had neon signs above our heads that said what kind of person we really are, then we could easily find the one for us. I respect people with open relationships that make it work, and love eachother. At least they have the honesty issue taken care of. But it isnt for everyone. I am a 1 person kind of girl, dont like to share my partner with anyone else. I like to get what I recieve, be treated the way I treat him/her. It's all about balance. If I am honest, loving, hardworking, understanding, and willing to compramise, I'd expect my partner to do the same. If I am mean, lack loyalty, disrespect, or emotionally harm my partner, hey, it's a no wonder he treats me like crap and sleeps with other wemon. It's balanced.
...............................
|
