A
female
age
51-59,
*ae1031
writes:I am pretty sure that I already know the answers to my questions, but it is one of those things that you just have such a hard time believing until you hear it from somebody else, so here is goes. I met my husband at a new job that we had both just started at the same time. The job was in my hometown, but he had moved from out of state to work on this project. We hit it off and started dating and about 6 months into the relationship, that was clearly agreed upon by both of us was going to be exclusive, I found out that several weekend trips that he had made back to the state that he was from that were suppose to be for the purpose of seeing his son who was living with his ex, were actually spent with his girlfriend that he never really broke up with. When I found her number on his cell phone about 50 times, I called her up and she did confrim that she had been seeing him for about 2 years up until about two weeks prior to my calling her. She said that she broke up with him because he was suppose to be moving her and her sons in with him, but it had been almost 6 months and she was starting to suspect that he was seeing somebody. When she questioned him he actually flew her in to stay at his apartment for the weekend just to prove to her that there was nobody else. This of course was a weekend that he had told me he was going to see his son so I had no reason to stop by. She said that she knew him too well and he could not fool her, since he had cheated on her so many times she knew just what to look for. She said she noticed almost immeditly that his brush that he left out on his bathroom sink was full of blond hair. (mine!) That is the reason why they broke up. She confrimed to me that it was over between them and if I wanted him, he was all mine. But she advised me to check his computer and also his phone. She said that I would find text messages and emails from a girl named Kathy that he would say is his sister, but her real name is Kelly and that was the one the he flew in from out of town to cheat on her with. She said that even after she forgave him and gave him a second chance she still cought him on the computer with a web cam and on the phone having phone sex with her. She also said that he was addicted to porn and sex. I confirmed what she was saying and it was all true. I was repulsed when I looked on his computer and found not 100's but 1000's of downloaded porn pics and videos. He was also on many, many dating sites that were for people who only wanted no strings attached sex. I also saw that he had instant messages from the girl named Kelly, but what disturbed me the most was that he had left his myspace account open and had regularly been using it to pick up on other women localy. Some of the messesages that he had sent to other women were at times when I had just gotten up out of his bed and left for work, within an hour he would be on myspace telling other women how beatuiful they were and asking them out to dinner. When I confronted him of course he had nothing to say, what could he say? We split up, but it didn't take long for him to come back on his knees begging me for forgivness and a sencond chance, which I gave him, but there were many ground rules and as far as I was concerned he could take them or leave me. He agreed to what I was asking for. The first thing of course, was please refrain youself from asking other women out and sleeping with other women while you are seeing me! Secondly, I insisted that all of his porn / myspace / hiimatramp.com activity stop immeditally. He was sworn off computers and I was to have every password to every account he had and full access to his phone which would be left on. He had his choice to say no and walk away, but this is what I needed to satisfy me and he agreed to it. It has been about two years and we are married now, I cought him looking at pics on a pron site once which upset me but over all he seemed to be doing good. Recently though I have noticed a big change in his behavior. Suddenly treats me very differently during sex and I feel as if there is no longer any type of emotional connection left between us at all. He was never an overly affectionate person to begin with, but now he shows me absoultly no non-sexual affection at all. He does not place a hand on me at all unless it is for the purpose of some sort of sexual activity that does not necessarly even require my involvement. He suddenly does not even bother kissing me or even looking at any part of my body from the neck up, while he is having sex. I only say it that way because that is what it feels like. He often does not lay a hand on me while we are in be watching tv together, but as soon as I fall asleep, I will be woken up by him touching me only in areas of my body that would related directly to sex and he will be masterbating with his eyes shut. If I question it, he will say that he is thinking about me, but I am not that stupid. If it was me he wanted, he would have had me while I was still awake and even then why would he need to touch my body and close his eyes to think about me, I am right there! Even when we do have sex he suddenly does things to me that I find very uncomfortable and I do make it clear to him that it is not bringing me pleasure and I find it very hurtful that he does not pay any attention to me at all from the neck up anymore, yet he only appears to get upset with me if I say something to him and then seems to masterbate even more and more and have sex with me less and less. I of course suspect that he is back on the web sites. He puts in two hours of OT each day. So he is there for two hours by himself after everyone else has left. He has told me before that the computers at his work are monitored and he would never do something that stupid, but now I am not so sure. Are my suspsions right? If so, how concerned should I be? Could this have already gone beyond just porn sites? I do not think he has time to cheat? It is easy enough for me to confirm that he is at work when he says he is, but he works in a secure building so it is not as if I can just pop in on him. Something else that is strange latley is that he use to call me throughout the day just to B.S. for a while, but his phone calls have all together stopped and when I call him he is usually there, but if I just called to talk and don't have anything specific to say he gets irriated with me, says he is busy and rushes me off of the phone. About a month ago, he was relocated to a new building to work in and although his phone calls were becoming less and less, they did not completely stop until after he moved to the new place. Now, even when I do have a reason to call him there I can not get a hold of him. He is never at his desk and even if he is as busy as he claims to be I do not understand why he can not call me during his lunch break. If I am right about this how can I get him to stop? This is hurting me and I feel like I not longer have my husband. I do not even know this person and I am discusted with the way he is disrespecting me and making me feel. Counceling is out of the question because, if this is what is going on, he knows I have not way to bust him so he would never admit to it. As a matter of fact his whole demenor has changed and this topic is actually off limits to me. If I try to talk to him about it he becomes very defensive and trys to turn things around by saying that I am just insecure and he feels like I should trust him by now. I feel as if two years is not long enough for him to demand my trust after all of the damage that he has done to me, especially when he is going to start giving me reasons to be suspsious of him again.
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addicted to porn, at work, broke up, his ex, insecure, kissing, myspace, phone sex, porn, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (28 January 2009):
Your suspicions are correct, and so is Gina. He is a sex addict. And, he is trying to take the focus off his actions and put it on you by saying you're being insecure and that you should trust him. It's a ploy they use in an attempt to get away with their lies. It's a way inside their own heads to try to justify what they're doing. I think they start to believe their own lies even, b/c then it makes it easier for them to keep track of the lies. After all he's done, what makes him think he even deserves anyone's trust, least of all yours?
Lack of emotional intimacy (connection) is very degrading, and can make us feel like objects. I know, b/c I've been through something similar to what you describe. Don't deny what you're feeling, what you're observing, don't think you're crazy, don't think you're imagining things, and don't let him con you into thinking something that's just not true (such as the explanation he gave you). They become very adept at spontaneously creating excuses, explanations, claims - which are all ultimately lies. They come up with what they believe to be very plausible stories, but we know otherwise, in our hearts, in our minds, and in our guts.
Counseling, lengthy counseling, with a professional trained in the area of sex addiction, hopefully along with a support group to supplement the counseling, and making himself accountable for his every move and action (by regularly reporting to an accountability partner, such as you or a friend) are the only ways to get past this. Yes, they do have relapses, and sometimes we are not even aware of those at first. It takes a tremendous amount of strength, will, and determination not only on his part but yours to work past all this. The point of counseling is for him to come clean, start being completely honest with himself and with you, admit to his mistakes, try to understand why he behaves the way he does, and work on skills to help him cope and ultimately take control over his behaviors. It is a long, hard, difficult road to travel, but it can be done if both of you are hands-on involved. You will both need counseling separately, and together as a couple. There will have to be alot of communication, honesty, and ultimately, forgiveness.
If counseling is out of the question, then there is no hope. If that is the case and you choose to stay in the relationship, your self-esteem will become non-existent. You will constantly be walking on eggshells, constantly checking up on him, constantly worrying and wondering what he is up to. You will have no trust for him, rightfully so. But it will eat away at you, and it will eat away at whatever is left of the marriage, until there is nothing at all left.
You are suspicious, but he has given you plenty of reason to be suspicious. Meet him for lunch, and have him take you on a tour of his new building. You may find there is an attractive female working in close proximity. How the hell do you know what's going on while he's away at work all day? How do you know what's going on during his lunch hour? That is when the cheating could be taking place. And yes, he could be lying about having access to porn on the work computer. You'll probably never know. Also check the cell phone bill - perhaps he is viewing it on his cell phone during the work day.
I don't know how to re-establish trust after what you've been through with him, other than his making himself completely and honestly accountable to you, whether or not he likes it. It's the only way, until he proves himself to you, and that takes a very long time. He needs to understand this. He needs to understand the ramifications of what he's done to you and to your marriage. Your husband does not have a good track record, plain and simple. You are picking up on different behaviors from him. You have every right to question him.
When we are in this situation, we do tend to make excuses for their behavior, and we do tend to question ourselves, b/c yes, it is so unbelievable what they are doing to us, esp. when we know we'd never do the same in return. It is difficult for us to get our heads around it. But in the end it is us who suffer. Please don't continue doing this to yourself. Either get the counseling, or get out of the marriage. There's no other way, if you are going to survive. Personally, I'd get out, b/c you've already given him a 2nd chance (and then some), and he's blowing it again. When does it stop? Where does it end? How much do you have to take before your own sanity and emotional survival are at stake? I think if you stay without the counseling, your self-esteem will go right down the drain (if it hasn't already), and it will become non-existent. You will become a shell of a person, shutting down, just trying to cope with his behaviors. When you get to that point, you have no strength left, and then it becomes that much more difficult to get out.
Good luck to you. I know you are in a great deal of pain. My heart goes out to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): Thank you, I know you are right, but like I said sometimes when something is so devistating that you just don't want to believe that it can be true, you almost have to hear it from an outsiders point of view just to snapp yourself out of your own shock and denial and make it real so you can face it. Thanks again, this hurt to hear, but it was what I needed.
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A
female
reader, didda123  +, writes (28 January 2009):
 Leopards never change their spots!
I am sure your suspisions are spot on he is up to his old tricks again and he more than likely is spending his time on some other woman as well as the porn sites.
I think you should have a really serious talk with him pointing out your ground rules which were laid down the last time, that they still stand and if he does not agree to them then you cannot tolerate his behaviour any longer and quite frankly you deserve a lot better.
You will have to be strong and it may even come to you loosing him but do you really want someone who treats you like this?
Your self esteem will be rock bottom before long if not already with him chipping away at it. You are still young enough to move on and find a loving partner who respects you totally. I know it is a daunting prospect to go it alone but unless you stand by your convictions he will never get the message.
Good luck i hope you can resolve this problem x
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