A
female
age
36-40,
*anillaFrosting
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend of four months around one month ago. We had been friends for three years before finally deciding to go out, so we decided to go back to being friends.It turned out that we ended up being "friends with benefits". Only difference really in our relationship was that he doesn't show any affection towards me when our other friends are around (though there wasn't much before anyway, though I didn't mind) and now I pay my way when we do anything (he used to insist on paying, I don't mind paying, it's just a difference).I want to end it for a variety of reasons, but I'd like to know if they're reasonable enough and I'd like to know if I am judging the situation correctly. Also, I don't know how to approach the subject without damaging our friendship.First issue is that he's only ever said "I love you" after we had sex and he only ever says "I like you" when we're having sex or about to. He said that he "Wanted me" and when I asked why he just said "Because you're hot." I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he couldn't possibly be using me, but the thing is I feel as if I am being used.He is mean to me. He tells me I'm annoying, he has no patience with me at all. When we are with other friends he is much nicer to them than he is to me, to the point where they actually notice. He insults me quite often, tells me if I don't change my behaviour he doesn't want to be around me. (And I'm not really doing anything wrong, because everybody else thinks he's insane). However, when it looks like he might get some, he turns on the charm and is suddenly very nice to me. When I ignore him or don't call or don't see him he whines and complains and says he thinks about me all of the time. Then when we're together he'll decide I've done something he doesn't like and he won't say anything to me at all. He recently brought up that he thinks we could work in a relationship again, and that he might ask me to start going out with him again. Thing is, being in a relationship with him was so stressful. He expected so much and always threatened to break up with me for things (like not calling him or talking about my feelings). He's also quite a bit younger, he's 20 and I'm nearly 24. I don't see the relationship being long term and I do want to get married and have a child within the next six years and I feel like I'd be wasting time with him. He's already mentioned several times (even when were going out) the exact description of the person he will eventually marry, and I never added up. (Though I can't say I want to). It's weird though, because he said before that he wanted things to "go back to normal", the next time he definitely didn't want that. Another time he said things should return to normal again, so it's not awkward to be friends, and then he seemed to change his mind again... I guess this is more complicated than it should be because I haven't completely stopped liking him, though my feelings for him are very significantly reduced all the time... and I know that liking someone is not enough.I guess I have a few questions within this. Does it seem as if he's just using me? Are my reasons for wanting to end this whole thing and never enter into a relationship with him again reasonable? How can I bring it up without hurting our friendship? (Though I guess if I have to, then I have to...)
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, VanillaFrosting +, writes (21 November 2010):
VanillaFrosting is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I will definitely be following it. It seems to obvious to most, given purely facts (obviously based on my perception), that he is using me. That is something I didn't really want to admit to myself, but I'm glad that nearly everyone else sees it that way.
So I'm saying "Goodbye" to him, at least in terms of how things are going now. If he doesn't want to be friends anymore... I've decided I don't even care.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 Yes, he IS using you. If you want to end it you don't need to come up with reasons to justify doing so. Not that you don't already have plenty of them, seems to me.
Look: he's extremely critical and fault-finding. He says he doesn't like your behavior and wants you to change - what about HIS behavior? Why should HE be the one to demand change from YOU?
Given all this why are you even concerned about "hurting the friendship"? Its not worth it.....
I hope you can decide to just end it - he deserves no less -and don't even given him a backward glance......
...............................
A
male
reader, D.K.  +, writes (21 November 2010):
I think that the way he acts is the most low down personalty some one can get I think you shod just tell him good bye only if you truly know it's the right thing like do you really see something in him if not better find some one who truly loves you it's for you but don't be to fast think about what do you like in him right it down ask him does he see any thing more then the sexiness or just that
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 Yes, this guy is DEFINITELY using you! He's turning on the charm when he feels horny so he can have his wicked way with you but he has no respect for you at all or he wouldn't treat you the way he does, especially in front of others.
You shouldn't ever be more than friends with him. If he does care about you in the least then he'll still want to be your friend even without the benefits. It might be the case that if you tell him only want to be friends without the benefits then he'll disappear and not care whether he talks to you again or not, in which case he definitely wasn't worth your time.
Take back the control and TELL him (whether he wants to hear it or not) that the sex with him is OVER. If he wants to remain friends with you then that's fine, if not then you wish him all the best.
Stop letting him use you and walk all over you the way he does. You're worth more!
~Eve~
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 Ok well to me he sounds like he is i little immature and he just doesnt know what he wants, at 20 he is still quite young and he is very hot and cold with you. from your description yes it does sound like he is using you at times, and at other times it sounds like he does want to get back with you, he is blowing hot and cold so much that it must be giving you a headache, he needs to grow up and learn how to deal with his feelings and emotions in a mature way not the childish game he is playing. My bet is to get him out of your life sexually if you still want to be friends with him then fine but just no more sex.
Be gentle with him tell him that you dont want to be in a relationship with him, that you need to be on your own and sort out your head about what you want, but tell him that you value his friendship and would like to still have him as a friend and leave it at that, if he comes on to you after that or suggests having sex just be straight with him and tell him no that it is not healthy and you need time to yourself. Goodluck
...............................
|
