A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been seeing this guy (exclusively but not boyfriend and girlfriend yet)for just over 2 months (I have known him for 5 months but things started progressing properly 3 months in), I'm 20, he's 21, things are really good between us in general. But I’ve noticed he doesn’t compliment me much. He said he loves my hair and that’s about it. He has said I look pretty, he used to say it a little more when we first met though but that has stopped, but I’m always giving compliments, not to the point where it’s annoying but I give a lot more to him than he does to me. I’ll say something nice about his dress sense on particular days, his lips, eyes, hair, etc. I’ve called him cute sometimes (he doesn’t mind it, he actually likes it), I prefer saying cute instead of good-looking/sweet. (but that’s generally what I mean)Then today we were just flirting about, texting and the convo went like thisHim: “you know I’m right, with my cute self lol”Me: “Nah sorry I’m right this time, with MY cute self lol” (basically said the same thing back) Him: “you can TRY and be cute” Me: “oh, so you don’t think I am now eyy? :P”Him: “Eeeeeeehhhhh well you aren’t ugly but cute is a bit of a stretch” I found his rather offensive, just the way he worded it was quite rude, we were just flirting about and that comment made me rethink whether he evens likes how I look. (I have been overweight my whole life, I have been bullied for 10 years throughout my school years, I have struggled with my self confidence. He doesn't know all of that but he does know I don't have a lot of confidence with the way I look and that I'm shy, and I am currently suffering from minor depression)So I said...Me: “I don’t know if I should be insulted by that comment”Him: “It was a rather cryptic comment loool” (I didn't find this to be funny)Me: "Well, are you indirectly trying to tell me that you're not attracted to me?" We speak on blackberry messenger so I had seen that he had read the message, and after a couple of hours I still hadn't received a reply so I wrote again:Me: "I guess I'll take that as a yes then"Him: "Since when though (inserts my name)?"Me: "Since when what?"Him: "I mean, after aaaaallll this time why would you think I don't find you attractive?" "I'm just going by what you said to me and you ignored me for a few hours, what was I supposed to think?"Him: "Seriously, don't be silly, you know it's not true"But now I am starting to think it is. I know my insecurities are playing a part in this but I do want to know if you would find this offensive if someone said this to you.We have had minor issues here and there, where he just words things weirdly, or doesn’t think before he speaks or just finds jokes in the most unnatural things and I do take offense to it and he just doesn't get why I am offended, so maybe he just has a blunt way of wording things and I'm quite sensitive, but I've noticed he never lies, if I ask something and the truth is hurtful he will still tell me regardless. I just found this so rude, the fact that he never compliments me also made me believe what he said, I still do, I am not speaking to him right now because my emotions are running a little high and I just want my space for a bit.Am i overreacting?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 April 2013):
 I think so. And that's why when I'll become dictator I will outlaw text messaging except for strictly practical purposes ,i.e " Pick you up at 7 ". Anybody who uses texts for courtship and romance will be deported to a remote island. You can't have a real conversation by text, you miss all the visual, vocal and gestual clues and more often than not, it ends up in misunderstandings, or in tears.
I think he was just AFFECTIONATELY pulling your leg, if you had been talking in person, you would have seen his big, affectionate smile, he would have been stroking your hair while he was saying things, you would have seen he was just teasing you.
By text it is less clear, and if you already have insecurities and feel that he is too good for you... oh dear. We have a situation.
One could object that if you know your gf is insecure , you don't play up on her insecurities, and also that a more gnetlemanly ( and worldwise ) guy knows that you never comment on a woman's physical aspect other than positively . But... he's 21, he is a bit clueless, and goofy as most guys his age are.
If your relationship is overall good, if he treats you well and if he shows he is attracted to you also without too many words, I'd say not to take it too much at heart.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 April 2013):
 First of all, ugh, the texting strikes again. Without eye-contact, voice inflection, and body language, many things are lost when it comes to texting.
He was teasing you. I know, I wouldn't appreciate it either, but he's playing the cool aloof guy. Many guys think that complimenting a woman a lot means they're "too nice" and it will get them dumped.
Second of all, this guy gets embarrassed by complimenting women. Many guys won't do it because it sets their teeth on edge. Stupid, but imagine a guy having to say the word "pookie bear". He feels oogy about it. And many guys *HATE* the word cute.
And that's the other thing -- he's also immature. He could have been merely trying to keep you off-balance because complimenting you may make him feel like he's whipped. He may think you're fishing for the compliment which gets him wanting to tease you and not tell you what you want to hear. That's why the backhanded compliment (after all this time...etc)
You have three choices here. One, you can stop complimenting him. Don't make it so easy for him. He's trying to get you to want him by playing hard-to-get. Time to back off and show him the true meaning of feminine charm. Don't chase after him. Let him call and text you a bit. Play cool yourself.
OR, you can tell him straight up - tell him it's ear candy to hear him tell you nice things. Do NOT mention insecurities, or your weight, or being bullied as a kid. just tell him you want to be with a guy who's comfortable telling a girl how attracted he is to her.
OR, you can decide that you both are not compatible, that you prefer to be with a guy who's more generous and expresses emotions better, and part ways before you sleep with him or invest too much of your emotions into him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): As he gets older he will learn that, to never lie' is not such a good idea. If he wants to go around insulting people, that's up to him, but he is going to have hard life not to ever lie.
What he told you was insensitive and rude. You can't tell a girl you date that she is not cute, that's just common sense.
Once a long time ago, when we were newy weds, we went out with my husbands friend and his wife to the beach. I was young, thin and pretty. I always had plump legs, a little too plump for my upper body. Now with age, when I have more boobs now, my legs look good and proportional, but may be then they were a little to much for my otherwise thin body. I knew that, and it bothered me like it would any young girl.
My husband made a comment at one point that he thinks his friends wife is very beatifull. I didn't really like it, got a little jealous. And asked him, prettier than me. He said, not the face, but body, yes. I asked him, why he thinks that. And then he said, that her body is more proportional than mine. I knew exactly what he ment: my legs.
Even if it was the truth, he should not have said it. 20 years later I still remember it. Words are very powerful and your boyfriend should start paying attention to what he says. That was realy a terrible thing he said, I don't now if I would stay with him after that.
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