A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and everything has been great. We are able to discuss any issues that come up calmly - something she was never able to do in previous relationships. Due to a rather unscrupulous ex of hers she has been saddled with huge debts and spare cash is scarce. When i stay at her place i help out by picking up some groceries if we need anything and I also help out with the housework at her place as i only think its fair since i spend a lot of time there and hep dirty the place up. I was also let go from my job as my company downsized and keeping her place neat and having supper ready for when she gets home only seems fair to me. Why should she work all day and come home to cook and clean if I'm home all day? She told me the other day that she feels she isn't doing enough for me because I am "doing it all myself" before she has a chance and she is starting to feel like she is losing her independence. That is something I do not want. We have an amazing relationship, great sex life and are headed for marriage. Are my good intentions possibly hurting her in a way I didn't intend? Do I need to step back and let her do these things instead?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 Sorry, forgot to add, she may be taking your cleaning of her space as an implied criticism of her. As in, because you vacuumed the place, she wasn't keeping it clean enough. The cleaning, while it is a lovely and caring gesture, may inadvertently convey the message that you don't think she's doing a good enough job.
Why not try the approach of clearing the cleaning with her? For example, say, "I have a lot of spare time tomorrow, I was thinking of doing something nice for you. You know I like to cook dinner for you. What do you think if I also scrub and seal the kitchen counter?" Give her a chance to absorb your offer and see if she leaps at the idea or seems reluctant.
Another thing that may be going through her worry list that if you are spending all your time tending to her, when are you actually looking for a new job?
So back to my rather pithy first post: keep on making dinner and skip the domestic chores at her place. A few dust bunnies won't hurt, unless you or she have horrendous asthma or allergies.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2013):
Skip cleaning her house, but keep it up with the dinner preparation. She may just feel a bit invaded in her space if you are tidying the undies in the drawer. That may change with time, if you two continue getting closer.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2013):
 Heck I wish my husband had stepped up and cleaned when he was unemployed. or had dinner ready or the laundry.
Have you told her it's a glory ride and it will stop once you find work again and to just enjoy it while she can?
I would tell her that you can't contribute financially right now but this is your way of saying thank you to her for dealing with the stress of unemployment and it' keeps you busy and it's the least you can do and you PROMISE once you find a job you won't cook and clean any more.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 April 2013):
 Yes, take a step back and maybe don't do everything for her. I am sure when you begin work again, you will get into a more 'sharing the chores' type of arrangement.
Give her a chance to cook for you or treat you because some women like to do that.
A little step back is a good idea...it's called compromise!
:-)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 April 2013):
 Funny . Everybody is different , I guess. If I were working full time, with an unemployed boyfriend ( I know OP, it's not your fault , no hits below the belt meant ) staying, or spending extensive period of times , at my place - with plenty of free time on his hands, I would expect him to do what you are doing, in fact I would just ask him straight out if he does not volunteer. After all, one extra person brings extra work in the house,- and anyway , even if you were the neatest, tidiest person ever, who only eats like a bird, why not letting you do what you want to do and have all the time to do.
Go figure. Maybe she is one of those territorial people that wants things done just in that precise way, and it's frazzled /annoyed by any even minimal change in her system and her routine.
Anyway, since your efforts are meant to make her happy- and she is not happy, - then let her have it her way. What's the point of giving help/ doing your share if the other person does not want that. Tell her to not hesitate asking you if you needs some help , errands done, grocery shopping or what not, and other than that, back off and relax .
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