A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay I really need some clear heads on this:Married for 10 years, together for 13. My husband is from a very small family - only a mother, sister and one niece. He says he's never been overly close with them, really.They were very nice to me at the beginning but it didn't last long. Especially my niece and SIL will give each other glances when I speak, they will leave me out of plans, they are sickly sweet to me in front of people, they have clearly told their friends that they don't like me because their friends seem to feel free to be very rude to me. My husband has seen this numerous times, and it's been an issue for years. The worse part is that he has spoken to them a couple of times and they pretend they don't know what he's talking about and tell him that they really want me to feel welcome. So he believes them. I keep getting angry and then being led back down the garden path - they are nice for one visit and then cruel the next time, over and over. it messes with my head.Anyway he is reluctant to ever actually stand up for me - I mean as in saying something like, "Look , that's enough! You can pretend you don't know what i'm talking about all you want but you know what you're up to and I won't stand for it anymore. Either smarten up or you won't see us again!"He tells me he'll forever be on my side, and yet at Easter Dinner they invited us for 3 p.m and when we arrived they were all already eating! it was SO awkward - his sister scolded us when we came in the door and I nearly threw the flowers at her I was so angry. if it were MY family I would have left, honestly. Kind of a last straw thing.fwiw I have an anxiety disorder (they know about it) and this threw me into a big nasty panic attack that I suffered with the entire evening. not their fault about that, I know, but it's part of why I need my husband to take care of this!thanks for any thoughts on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so-very-confused. :) I really really needed someone to validate that I was not being over-sensitive and you have done that. It's a big relief.
many thanks. I'm going to stay away from them and for all I care they can spend the rest of their lives pretending they are innocent and hurt, etc etc.
good riddance to them!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2013):
 they sound like total idiots.
you can pick your friends you can't pick your family
and as adults there is no need to be friendly with them just because you share blood.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi it`s me, the OP writer..I agree with both responses so far. i think he does try and do what he can do I guess I expect a little more vigorous defense at this point. I agree too that my anxiety is making this much worse. My anxiety stems from abuse in my own family, so that also tends to make me more and more nervous about any family gathering. I should have taken an extra pill with me but didn't. (ugh).. and finally, yes I have a child but she's in university now and really barely knows these people since most of the past Holiday Dinners at their place were scheduled for when my daughter was gone to her other parent's house. There was one year, in fact, that I practically begged them to please have it when my daughter was at home and they said they were going to but SURPRISE on the last day they changed their mind. Then they acted all shocked when I was heartbroken. Shook their heads at me like I was being foolish.Perhaps they are just a**holes and don't realize how insensitive and uncaring they are but it is so well placed that I feel it must be intentional. *sigh* I don't ever want to see them again, and that's that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2013):
I'm sensing that your anxiety is making a tolerable for most situation worse and intolerable for you.
Learn to play their game...
"arrive at 3 for easter dinner" my question would have been... "what time are we eating?" if the answer is 3! then you say "well how about we come at 2:30 so that we don't have to RUSH to the table and we can visit a bit before the meal" (and do this in front of hubby so that he knows what his evil family is doing)
so then they say OK see you at 2:30. Arrive at 2:29 and 30 seconds (so you are not accused of being TOO EARLY)
and then if they are already eating you can say "hey we said arrive at 2:30 and EAT at 3 did you forget???"
hubby will know that's what they said and if they lie he's got them... either way they look bad NOT YOU.
you say "they have clearly told their friends because..." but that's not the case, maybe their friends are assholes like them?
are you taking a valium or ativan before you attend such family functions?
are there children involved? if no kids I'd let hubby go see his family without you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 April 2013):
 Honestly I would STOP going to "family" thing with those people. If your husband wants to go let him. Maybe he will figure out that you RATHER stay away then be put down every time.
I think he HAS tried to stand up for you but he doesn't really know HOW to make it work.
I'm sorry, I'd hate to deal with family like that.
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