A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19. Never been kissed. Never been on a single date. Slightly shy, but capable of leadership. I'm agnostic, slightly veering towards atheism...but waiting till marriage for sex. I have a strange liking for white guys...which shouldn't be a problem at all. Except in South Africa. Where there's a minority of white guys. But not so in my predominantly white university...which is deeply Afrikaans cultured. Meaning less open-minded and more racist older citizens, and possibly children. I am I extremely picky, which I hate, but honestly, the thought of settling for someone merely because he'd be 'just okay' really depresses me. I am adventerous, intellectual and love helping others. I'm constantly trying to better the person I am, always striving towards self-actualisation, and in turn, would like someone similar! A kind, smart, open-minded guy who'd want to grow along with me! Which is why I try and attend as much different cultural activities as possible, each time hoping that maybe, today might be the day someone might just notice me and want to get to know me. But to no avail. I've tried church (and really enjoyed it), but found that most of the guys there are looking for girls that are firm in their beliefs in God. I'm trying not to let my country's stupid demographics and history dissuade me, but each day gets harder and more depressing as I realise that because of my unusual values, beliefs, pickiness and skin colour, I might never find the right guy for me. At some point last year, I thought I had. I had crushed on him for a year and a half and then finally decided to muster the courage to let him know. He only liked me as a friend. Will I be doomed for loneliness? Are my expectations way too high? Will I ever find true love before I get too old? Is it the lack of decent guys around, or is it me? Please help, I'd love all your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much guys! To answer some questions, yes, I have considered online dating. But I've only considered it. I've gone and checked out a few sites, done a few searches, even tried to create 'practice run' accounts, then stopped myself or gave up. I havn't taken it seriously yet, mostly because I start feeling embarrassed and ashamed, or like I'm at my last resort. It's stupid, cause I know that dating online is no longer for unmatchable, ugly, old desperate people, yet I let that stereotype stop me. I think I'll have a look at a site again, then at least try to create a real account. And talk to a few people, most importantly, just FIND FRIENDS. I agree that maybe that should start being my priority instead. The other thing; relocating across the seas. I've thought about it, but have decided I don't think I'll ever be able to live away from South Africa. I plan to travel for a year and teach English after my degree,(maybe then I can find some interesting people), but I love my country way too much to stay away forever...as much as it seems like I don't. Haha. I realise that I've specified my dream guy as 'open-minded', expecting HIM to have to look beyond colour, when in fact, I obviously need to work on that as well. So thanks, for that advice. I'll try out "expanding my horizons"!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): My dear, love is colour blind.
Be open to people you connect with; whatever the colour of their skin, their height or the shape of their ears. You limit your pool of potential partners arbitrarily if you only want a man with size 8 feet for example.
Join clubs and activities that nurture your interests and hobbies where you are most likely to meet like minded individuals. Don't do them with the expectation of meeting someone because that stops you enjoying the now. Focus on making friends and enjoying yourself. Don't hold your breath until you meet the one because that might not happen for years or it might happen tomorrow. You just don't know.
My husband and I are different ethnicities and we grew up in different countries so trust me when I say colour's got nothing to do with it. It's just one of the million things that make a person great.
Ps. If you really do insist on someone white then think globally. Your options are not limited to south africa.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): You are not alone here. I am agnostic, and shy, and definitely saving myself for marriage, and hopefully, going to grad school next year. Before last year I had never ever been on a single date and never been kissed. I think I am picky, and it's hard for me to trust people and before last year never met anyone who I would be interested to date. And to all the ones who asked me on a date I would just give an excuse that I am sorry, I am busy with school, blah, blah, blah. In some sense I have always put my school first though, so I was not lying to them.But then last year, I fell in love and actually thought I found the one with whom I would want to spent my entire life with. Unfortunately, he knows I am a virgin and I guess I became a challenge for him, a prize to win. He played with my heart (knowingly or unknowingly) but of course didn't get anything from me, just kissed me 3 times during the time we were dating. And he was a friend who I still love but I know who doesn't really care about me. So what I learned from this experience is I think I stopped believing that true love exists, that I might never meet someone I'll love again and who will love me for who I am and respect my believes and not want to change me. I am actually considering that I might never want to get married, but instead become someone who'll help other people, people in need, and travel a lot and be free. I love me freedom too much. My advice to you is you are still young, make sure you follow your dreams and goals, and on that journey you might find someone (doesn't matter what color of skin or religion) who'll love you for who you are. And even if you don't find someone, you'll be following your dreams which will make you happy. And the main goal of each person should be happiness with someone or without.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 May 2014):
 You will be a great "catch" for the right guy. Just work on that shyness thing and quit wondering about your worries about how you are percieved by others. Times are changed for the better now and bi-racial couples are everywhere so find the guy of your dreams regardless of his skin color. You sound like you belong on the west coast or in Hawaii where diversity is practiced and not just talked about.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2014):
 I agree with CMMP. I don't think it's you. First you are only 19 !, what a rush. Give time to time. Not everybody has found the one by 19, you know ?:). Second... you are in the wrong place for interracial relationships, at least so I am told. I have a friend who lives in Johannesburg, she told me that when her ( white ) son came to visit her with his Egyptian ( and brown skinned ) gf, it caused quite a stir, they got nasty looks and nasty comments everywhere, a couple of times it risked getting real ugly.
So, if you have a preference for white men, in a place where a ) they are a minority b ) they tend too to prefer equally white girls,... there you have it, your selection is more restricted than desirable.
In your shoes , I'd try to reconsider my " white only " policy. One thing is a preference, all another a total dealbreaker . I get esthetical PREFERENCES, I too favour tall men over short, blue eyed over brown eyed etc. Ideally, my perfect man would have certain qualities, and also be Nordic looking. But, not being willing to move to Scandinavia where they ALL are blonde, tall and blue eyed,.... I make this a preference and definitely not a must. It does not mean you have to " make do " or settle for less, maybe you just have to train yourself to understand that luckily attractive qialities like intelligence, kindness, honesty, .. and also physical beauty, of course !, come in various different packages with various different wrappings...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): You are only 19 years old. You're too young to be pessimistic or cynical. It will happen at some point in your life, that you will find everything you're looking for. If it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it never will. You live on a huge continent. How on earth would you think you'll never meet someone who will fall in-love with you for who you are?
There is something you need to keep in-mind. Your beliefs and your personality will change over time. Who you are is often molded and changed by your environment and experience. By those who touch your life and inspire you.
By the lessons life will teach you on your journey.
Who you are now and what you may believe, could be different this time next year. You also have to have realistic expectations. We strive for those things we want, and we don't give up the hope we can get them.
However; there will be things we want that we may never get. That's simply a fact of life. That is why we set goals. We strive for things with the hope we will achieve or receive them. We should still be thankful for small blessings.
Perseverance pays off. Sometimes the person you fall in-love with will not come in the packaging you fantasize in your mind. We always have a fantasy-contrived imaginary-person we hope to walk into our lives; but sometimes they look nothing like what we envisioned. So you might want to keep an open-mind; so you will not overlook someone perfect for you. Only because he isn't white.
If you won't accept what comes your way, because it isn't what you envisioned; yes indeed, it may be a very long wait. It may not even be exactly as you may have imagined if you do get it.
If you've never dated anyone; how do you know you would like dating white guys?
Accept for a difference in skin-color, you will find the same human traits in all men. So as a young woman, you should date a variety of male types to base your choices on reality; not fantasy.
As a young lady, you must allow your destiny to unfold before you. Don't set your heart on just meeting a white man who will fall in-love with you; but a good man who will fall in-love with you. Your feelings must be based on who he is, his character, and his feelings toward you. Not because he is white. You could never rule out the possibility that he could be white; just don't restrict it to that one particular attribute.
If you are dismissing guys over his skin-color, or expecting someone perfect; it will seem there is a deficit of good men around you. The truth is, no one measures up to your high expectations. There is such thing as raising the bar so high no one will ever reach them. You must remember, you are being evaluated for what you have to offer in return. If you are too conceited, that will also lower your options.
Be patient. There are too many people populating the planet for anyone to be doomed to loneliness. Just because someone doesn't feel the same way about you as you feel for them, doesn't end there. You just remain level-headed, have an open-mind, and be optimistic. The future will present you with those things, and the man you dream of; when the time is right for you. Your destiny began the day you were born.
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A
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reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 May 2014):
You may be too picky. Honestly, you seem like quite a catch to me, but there are obviously some issues working against you. The fact that you're having difficulty finding someone has less to do with what you have to offer than where you have to live.
My advice is to try and not be so picky until you've had the chance to get to know someone a little. I think some people feel like they need to find a perfect mate that compliments them in every way, but I believe you need a mate who you love, are happy with and who you get along with. You can often get the other stuff from other people and places.
So if you meet a guy you're not too sure about, date him for a little bit. You might find that you like him even if you would have initially rejected him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): Have you considered online dating or moving to another town or even country (when you'd be able to support yourself and have a job lined up)?
I think your standards are not too high except for the majority of people in your area. You have presumably got a long 60 plus years of life left, so relax!!
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