A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 20 year old female. I am currently seeing two guys, one is a boyfriend of almost 2 years and the other I met a few months ago. The reason I have a second guy is because it has been getting stale with my boyfriend in recent months, and although he is a great guy and one I could see myself being serious with in the future, I feel like he has come along at the wrong time. I like them both and at this stage of life, no matter how terrible it may sound, I am enjoying myself as a 20 year old. My parents agree that if I do have a need to do this, I should 'get it out of my system' now as opposed to when I am an adult when things get more serious.The problem I have is deciding what to do in the short term. I know it is a terrible situation to be in and I could cause a lot of hurt, and I know this can't be kept up. However, I am going to abroad soon for study, for a year. I was thinking to let it 'ride out' with both, and see who is still there at the end of it all when I return from abroad. Do you think this is a good idea? I have also considered breaking it off with one of them before I leave, but this is really difficult for me as I say I currently like them both, they are different in their own ways and I really can't choose between them.Please could you advise me on what to do?Thank you. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 This type of question is generally very easy to figure out. You just have to ask yourself what you would like if the shoe were on the other foot.
I expect you'd be very annoyed to find out your boyfriend was seeing someone else because you had become rather boring to him, and he didn't have the courage or courtesy to tell him the truth about that.
At 20, you are technically an adult though you do seem to have the teenage thought processing that makes you the center of the world, lacking empathy for others.
I expect part of having guy #2 in the picture is for the excitement of sneaking around.
If you're bored with boyfriend and don't have the interest in pulling your own weight in making it more interesting and exciting, well, that's really on you. Rather than cheat on a nice guy, it would show more integrity to let him go now. Maybe another great guy will come along in the future, when you are ready, but hanging on to him though you are bored with him is really selfish on your part.
If you want to sow your oats, go do it, but don't lie to a great guy. That's just mean. If you want an open relationship, ask for it. Show some backbone.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (6 May 2014):
 You clearly want the best of both words and are making poor excuse for your selfish, hurtful behaviour. "I was thinking to let it 'ride out' with both, and see who is still there at the end of it all when I return from abroad." What a childish and selfish way to decide who to share you life, and presumably, your body with! Might as well ask the two guys to have an arm wrestling contest and go off with the winner. " I should 'get it out of my system' now as opposed to when I am an adult when things get more serious." You already are an adult, even if your current behaviour suggests other wise. Your age is no excuse and neither is a lack of seriousness in your relationships. I could cheat on my partner then say "hey im 36 and enjoying myself!" but it doesn't make it any less wrong.You clearly enjoy the attentions of two men at once, are happy to lie and cheat and deceive. Yet you expect one or both to be available to you when you return from a years study? Please do these two men a favour and end it with both. You say you might like one of them as a serious boyfriend in the future? Well that wont happen if he finds out about your current cheating.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): You seem to have done what quite a few women do ... when with a long time partner . if for example your current BF isn't as interesting or not treating you as well .. you go off with another chap ... while still in a relationship ... which is very annoying but not only that you've kept them both .... this is cheating and none of them deserve it .Dump Both and get someone new ... your chap of 2 years will be devastated if he does care about you .
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 May 2014):
 how about you break up with both of them
get a nice clean start and move on alone.
right now you are cheating and probably lying to the Long term soon to be ex boyfriend... you are done with him and just not ready to let him go. that's not cool.
be an adult (and at 20 legally you are an adult) and end it with him because you are not worthy of him (you are lying to and cheating on him)
and the new guy... well you're going to be gone a year and that's not fair either... just roll with the punches.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): You have already made your decision. Neither. If you liked either, you would not bother with the other. Don't let it ride out. Use going away to college as an excuse to break up with them BOTH, because you will definitely meet someone else while abroad for your studies - you'll be away from home with other people away from home, and it is easy to fall into a relationship. You know that really, what you should do, is break up with one (or preferably both) of them. However from your post I can see you don't want to do that. You are hedging your bets, and behaving poorly. You are hurting two guys you claim to like enough to be in relationships with... How can you justify that? Being 20 is not a reason. While no saint, when I was 20 I managed to limit myself to one guy at a time. If you want to play the field that's great, fine, go do it, but do it when you're single. What if they find out about each other? Just break it off now with the abroad excuse to try and do a bit of damage control here. I was disappointed in you, even though I don't know you, when I read this post. You've made a bad decision here, try not to punish these poor guys any longer.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): Well, to kick off here, you're cheating. Right now, your behaviour is cheating. I am assuming neither of these men know about the other?I understand what is happening. I was in your shoes at your age. Dating someone and it wasn't working out (he was an alcoholic). I met someone else before I had the guts to end it and for 3 months I was seeing them both, although not sleeping with guy number 2. I ended it with guy 1 and luckily he never found out about guy 2, but I look back and I deeply regret my lies. And you know what, in the end it never worked out with guy 2 EITHER because I had to leave the country too to go abroad on a study exchange program and in my first week there, I fell head over heels in love. And that's another very long story! I was 20 at the time.If I could turn the clock back I would never have dated alcoholic guy 1 or crazy steroid bodybuilder guy 2 but that's the folly of my youth if you like. The guy I met in Germany would change my life forever, in good and bad ways.I think you should stop seeing either of them and discover who YOU are. You are heading out on a massive adventure, allow yourself to be single, let these guys go as gently as you can and enjoy your twenties.
...............................
|
