A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello DC.I have a question about trust. My BF and I have been together a couple of years. It is a good relationship and we still have great chemistry. He has cheated in a previous relationship. Not ours. He has always been up front with me about his past. But this tells me he is capable.For the RECORD, NO, HE IS NOT MARRIED AND NO, I AM NOT A MISTRESS.The problem is I am insecure because he works with mostly women and he is very charming. I worry that he could start something with one of these women. I have tried and tried but I just cannot find it in myself to trust him. I am automatically hanging him based on the fact he cheated before. So I just can't find it in my heart to believe he won't do it to me eventually. I do love him. And he makes me happy except for the worry but I am just unable to get past this.Is there something wrong with ME? Or is it HIM?How do you determine if your worry is legitimate or are you going to drive him away with baseless assumptions? I don't think they are baseless if past behaviour is supposed dictate future behaviour.He tells me I am worry needlessly. I bring it on myself. That he is tiring of it. He told me to just live in the moment. I just have a gut feeling about one woman in particular. I am not sure if it is my paranoia but I asked him about her. I asked if he thought she was attractive. He said yes. But then said just because you find a woman attractive does not mean you want to sleep with her. He said he can find many people attractive. But that would be all it is. He said I am way off base with her. Then he tells me I need to stop analyzing everything and reading into everything. He said we are happy and should just let it be. Not question or over analyze.Now, I wonder if he is trying to keep me at bay just in case something is going on. He wants to throw me off. He wants me to just be quiet and never ask questions so that he can do whatever he wants while keeping me. Essentially keep me in the dark. Refuses to indulge in the conversation because I might get too close to the truth, if I am not already.I told him with absolute firmness that if he ever did do anything it would be over. And that I am not a doormat and that I am too good to be treated that way.Am I being totally irrational? Reading into things too much?I just did not think this possible barely two years in. I feel like we are still in the honeymoon phase.I want to fix this. I don't think our relationship will survive if this issue is not fixed.I could sure use some objective opinions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): It's OP.That is awesome insight from you Female Anon!Everything you say makes perfect sense! Thank you so much for your insight! You sound like you are a lot of fun and a great catch in many ways! Seriously, the guy was a total dick! HIS LOSS!As for me, mine surprised me with a trip just now! All expenses paid to a beautiful Caribbean island next month! So, I am going to focus on the here and now. He seems to really care about me. He does. I do sometimes create drama that does not need to be there. But let's just say I am always aware. Some women would not be. And you could not help that you were not. Your ex pulled a huge con job on you. And you trusted him. Why wouldn't you? We are supposed to trust the one we love. It is a scary thing cause when you give your heart to someone, you also give them the power to hurt you. But that is the risk we all take in love. And in the end, I would not die. I would eventually pick myself back up. But I just would never want to go through it. Even told him if he wanted someone else, just tell me. Better that way even though it would still hurt me. I would rather that than find out the hard, painful way. But some guys are just cowards or aren't thinking or need the ego boost or whatever the reason, it's just wrong to cheat.I am going to trust him. I have to. If not, I am going to build the walls higher and distance myself to numb the possibility of any hurt. That is not the way to live or to be in a relationship. Might as well be alone. So, I am going to need to let myself be vulnerable. Otherwise, like the quote says, when you build walls, you not only keep out the pain but also keep out the JOY.So, can't wait for this trip! It is going to be just what we need!:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): OP I used to think like you, I guess because I had been lucky up until then and the guy's I had been with really dug me and were stoked that we were together. And then last summer I got cheated on with this wretched pig dog. And I got so insecure and I stalked her on facebook and saved some pics and showed my dude friends and they were all like, 'ew gross.' And yeah it made me feel better. For a minute. But it doesn't change the fact that he cheated on me. Which made me feel like shit for a long time.That's just a very cruel thing to do to someone. Cheating is bad. Some guy's love and appreciate what they got and they are not going to cheat. And some guys will cheat with ANYTHING. I learned this the hard way. Looks and appearances aren't a huge factor when it comes to cheating. With cheaters, it's more about her availability and his desire to cheat. And it's hard, especially when you don't see it coming. I got used to being treated a certain way, and this guy took that power away from me. It felt like he pulled something from under me, like a step or a pedestal, and made me feel less tall and less proud. Which is why I would turn to my dude friends, for validation. The guy who cheated on me was one of my best friends. I would have NEVER in a million years thought he would do that to me. It's weird, you never really know a person and what they are capable of. I was the opposite of you. Totally unsuspecting and overly confident. The thought never even crossed my mind. There I was going about my day without a care in the world all the while this douchebag was cheating on me. And here you are worrying yourself into a frenzy, when in fact, maybe he actually isn't? What's the worse that could happen if he is cheating? Are you going to die? No. You'll survive. You'll just have to get a fresh start with someone else. If you love him, believe in him. I believed in that one guy who cheated on me. I'm the funnest, sexiest little piece of ass he's ever had. It's his loss. He is the one who sold himself short. Stop worrying about it. If it happens, deal with it then. Just be cool in the meantime.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): It's the OP.
I actually showed that woman's picture on Facebook to my ex husband, my brother in laws and brother...
They all agreed she was VERY UNATTRACTIVE.
In fact the first word that came out of their mouth was UGLY.
I am actually very beautiful and secure in myself. And I know she cannot compete with me. The only reason she would ever land my man is due to him being a PIG and settling for somebody beneath me. Let's be real. Even beautiful girls get cheated on even when they are the total package and the guy is lucky to have her. It is cause he is an asshole and a dog.
So, I will never be the problem.
Thanks for all your advice.
I will have to try to put my worry aside as many of you have suggested. But I agree with the last poster about being cautious. My eyes always were. Always will be open.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): My advice here is say nothing but be cautious . It's true that you can't change the past not can you punish someone for the past, yet the reality isThat most men are dogs , concerned only with womans looks. Some women may fall for the 'oh my man loves xyzabc but really thinks I'm da bomb' but it pays to be realistic and not live in a fantasy world ignoring evidence in front of you . If he though you were so hot , surprise surprise he might actually look at and lust after women who look remotely like you instead of Polar opposites. If men are constantly wanting something else or looking at something else , then there's a deep Message in that and a woman is subconsciously ignoring it in order to lie to herself and believe his lies With men caution is easential.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2015):
 OP if you want my opinion this is all a drama of your making.
NEVER ask a man if he finds a woman attractive. Assume he does. But your bf is correct, just because he finds a woman attractive does not mean he's going to sleep with her or even think of it.
He sounds to me like an honest earnest guy who is being punished for BEING HONEST. He told you he cheated IN THE PAST and you are punishing him for his past sins.
IF he has never done anything in YOUR relationship to make you think he's cheating on you (and yes you can have a one time cheat it does not make a person a serial cheater) then you are out of line and what you are doing is pushing him away out of fear that something MAY happen.
he's right... you can't predict the future
you can't change the past
all you have is the here and now. and you are NOT enjoying it because you are worrying about tomorrow, tomorrow... it's always a day away.
ENJOY today. Learn to trust. You have what appears to be a honest trustworthy guy... he was smart enough and brave enough to not lie to you about the fact that he found this woman you deem a threat attractive. YOU deem her a threat... but it seems to me she's not.
How about if you make his co-workers your friends too... have a party invite them over... with their dates (boyfriends husbands etc)
and stop being OCD in thought about this you are killing it.
if you can't control these thoughts I strongly suggest you see a medical professional or therapist to discuss medication for OCD thinking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Hi Female Anon. It's OP.By living in the moment he meant enjoying what we have instead of predicting future events that may never happen. He said these worries and what ifs just get in the way of enjoying the here and now by worrying about the what may never be. He says I invent elaborate stories in my head. He says I create problems where there are none. Basically it is like robbing today of its joy worrying about the storms of tomorrow.I asked him if he thought there was a possibility he could cheat anytime in the near future or distant future. He said NO.He has continued to reassure me all along. He also is jealous of me talking to other men sometimes. And the other day he asked me if I followed him home. I am not sure why. I DID NOT follow him home. I asked him why he thought something like that. He said because I don't trust him so he wondered if I was trying to find out if he was going home after work or not. It was at night and he said he saw the headlights of a car similar to mine follow him. Once he pulled into his driveway, he said, the car continued past his house and disappeared. Found that odd. Not sure if that is a red flag at all.It is like I am constantly on the look out for red flags. Red flags in everything, everywhere. And it has become obsessive. I am not sure he could ever calm my doubts and worries.It just isn't good for me. And not good for our relationship. :(At the end of the day, I love him. And I want to be with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): It doesn't sound like there's any evidence of cheating at the moment. just because someone has cheated once it doesn't mean they will definitely do it again again.But that doesn't make your fears irrational. By encouraging you to 'live in the moment' he's unwittingly telling you that he is not cheating at the moment but that could change after a while that's why you should only think about the now.Asking you to live in the moment shows someone who either gives in to instant gratification without thinking about the future, or it shows someone who doesn't cheat as long as... You could fill in that blank with anything. As long as he's happy, as long as you stay fit, as long as he's not tempted, as long as he knows he won't get caught, as long as he can 'justify' it.To me, his defence sounds qualified or conditional. If he intends to never cheat again then why do you need to live in the moment? Does he think there's a chance he'll cheat in the future?Suppose he means live in the moment rather than the past... Well again he's not saying he's repented or changed.He's saying he was justified then but this moment is different from that so he's not cheatingYou have a tough call to mmake.I hope you find peace and happiness
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Well you have some valid reasons to suspect him of cheating for the mere fact that he has admitted to doing it in the past, seemingly without showing any remorse about it. It's almost like he told you that to give you a head's up about his character. Did he ever say he felt bad about it? Or that he would never do it again?
I dated this guy when I was in high school who told me that he had cheated on his ex girlfriends, like it was no big deal. He was completely neutral about it, showed no emotion, no guilt. I felt like he was telling me to warn me what was in store for me. I was extremely turned off so two days later I dumped him. I told him I needed to focus on school lol.
I mean if your guy is mentioning cheating like it is no big deal, then yes, be concerned, he's warning you that he is a cheater.
But if he told you about it as something in his past he feels ashamed of, if he understands that what he did is wrong and feels badly about it, he's sought redemption for it and has promised himself not to do it again, then you oughta trust him.
FYI, you don't have to remind him that if he cheats on you that you will leave him. That's a given isn't it? It's like using someone's bathroom and assuring them you will flush the toilet when you are done lol.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): your guy mistake was when you asked him is the lady was attractive and he replied yes. Yes, he obviously was being honest but it'll take some time before he realizes the better answer would be to say if she is I haven't noticed bc im too stuck on your mind body and looks for focus clearly on others. hE doesn't necessarily have to say all that but to redirect the question to compliment you and your beauty would ease your insecurities. He doesn't know yet. But he'll learn to reassure you. It takes years and years not just 2 3 or 4. maybe 6 or 7
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Were you panicked and paranoid like this with your other boyfriends? If not then examine what makes you paranoid about this one. It is true that sometimes our gut feeling tells us something is happening. To prove your gut hire a private investigator to dig up evidence or lack thereof about this guy if that is what soothes your security. Otherwise, you really cannot stay on the edge all your life suspecting something will happen when in fact it isn't. It is a rather delusional sensation to expect an event for which there is absolutely no evidence that it could occur.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 March 2015):
Looking at the facts, he hasn't cheated on you. Unless you have legitimate suspicions other than him going to work, I don't see any reason to suspect him. You should mention to us if he has any habits that cheaters usually have.
If you think you can't be with someone who cheated in the past...on their past partner...then don't spend years trying to find out if you are capable. The point is you aren't trying to resolve your own issue and every conversation you have with him about this "issue" is to just fan the flame.
At this rate, he will probably end up cheating since you are both not happy. One of the worst feelings in the world is being accused of something you did not do. Years of relationship with no trust is like a balloon with normal air, it just floats for a while but never sores - only descends slowly.
I will advise to change your approach to this situation and perhaps change your thought process as well. Maybe talk to a neutral party or have some professional help. I understand that you can't predict everything in the future and you can't guarantee that someone will not cheat. But being on guard and bitter is not the point of living.
I'd rather live a life being happy and doing the best I can than being miserable when my partner is not around.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (25 March 2015):
 Wow! You sure are over thinking things. Every relationship is different and unique. Just because he has cheated in the past does not mean he will cheat in this relationship. Same as just because you have never cheated doesn't mean there is a garauntee that you will not ever cheat. He was honest with you about his past, don't hold that against him. There are no garauntees in life or in love. He hasn't done anything to betray your trust. You need to take that risk and just trust him. Nothing any one can say will suddenly take your over thinking, doubts, and fears away. Only YOU can do that.
So, you will need to 'have a talk' with yourself and decide whether you are willing and able to get those silly thoughts out of your head and start trusting him. If you honestly can't do if, I'd suggest to leave the relationship now, before it get old and ugly.
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