A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend has a 'fat' fetish. I am a very pretty girl, I am not overweight, and have never had a problem getting guys. I'm a petite brunette. I've always had a good sex life with my boyfriend's, always felt wanted and like they are 1000% attracted to me. Except now. When we first started dating, he said he was unsure about us and hesitant to commit. During that time, I found out he ended up sleeping with this other girl who is really obese. I found out way after we were officially in a relationship. He says we weren't exclusive at the time. I sort of accepted his rationale to keep the peace but was never happy about it, obviously.Then a few times, I saw in his internet history he looks at 'fat' girl porn. He'll type in search keys like 'bbw' or 'plumper.' lol. I confronted him about it, most of the time he gets defensive and evasive. He told me once that he does have a thing for 'fat' girls but not exclusively. Whatever that means. Then told me some story about how his first sexual encounter was with this really heavy set older woman who was really kinky, and he has since had a sexual thing for that type. Is that possible that one sexual experience could shape and define your entire sexual preference? It's just never happened to me. Or to anyone I know. I have had great sex with super studly men, I had one boyfriend with a ten inch c*ck, I've had some interesting sexual experiences. But I've never felt like any one single physical asset, or one sexual experience, defined my sole preference when it comes to sexual attraction. And I can't wrap my head around it. I'm attracted to all sorts of guys.So I feel like I am not 'enough' for him. Pun intended lol. I feel like he will never be sexually fulfilled with me because of his strong attraction to a very specific type of woman, completely different to what I look like. Night and day. Every time we are out and I see a very heavy woman, my heart sinks down into the pit of my stomach, because I assume he is probably got a hard on for her. It is making me feel very insecure and inadequate. I guess I just don't understand the idea of having a fetish, being exclusively turned on to any one single physical feature or a single "type" of person. I've had discussions about 'types' with ex boyfriend's and they all say they don't have a 'type.' They say they love ALL women. If she has breasts, booty and a vagina, they are attracted. But with this guy, she has to be morbidly fat... It's really bothering me. Anyone have any input into this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): I'm OP. Thx for replying to the update. Yeah I don't care what 'type' he or anybody is into really. But I do care that when I am dating a guy, that I am his type. As for his friends making fun of him, they are not perfect themselves by a long shot, so I don't get why the front. If that's what he wanted to go for, I really don't think they would've cared either way. Some of them can't even get girls. Yes our mutual friend did comment on that girl's appearance and expressed that he finds her repulsive. It's not like he hasn't been in that boat before, I'm sure. But the focus wasn't on her looks but on how he lied to everybody to make it seem like he was macking it to a supermodel. Painting himself like some hotshot. Showing them fake pictures of a completely different girl to make himself seem like he was the king of getting with hot girls. That's just lame.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): Because his friends probably jeer at fat women and are quite rude/ inconsiderate like that. The fact is that he bragged about sleeping with that woman and he obviously finds her a knock out. It's clear that he does fancy larger women, however, this doesn't mean he doesn't or can't fancy you. Men fancy all types and the one they're with doesn't always match their 'type' but they love and fancy them anyway. Unless there is a real life woman in the picture whom you are worried about I would not worry.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 March 2015):
 "Isn't a fetish usually something you keep hidden?"
Not necessarily, no.
He fabricated the story because he is a societal weakling, afraid of the opinions of his friends. He saw the fat girl as everything he described "gorgeous, knockout, etc".
However, he knew his friends wouldn't agree with him, so he lied to them. Guys have done that with rich girls as well, bragging that she has all of this money when she doesn't, or bragged that she was a "supermodel" when she wasn't, etc.
I've seen it a lot actually - there are more guys into overweight women than you think. A lot of them describe the desire as "secret" because face it - it's not widely socially acceptable, and if there's one thing I hear over and over, it's "What will my friends think?"
Here's another reason why I emphatically say that it's not a fetish: About 30 years ago, some guys were into a "type" they also had to hide from society while publicly dating and even marrying who society accepted. These guys had to hide not only their "type", but also that entire part of their lives.
But now, no one in their right mind except the most backward and ignorant of people would call homosexuality a "fetish" any longer. Bisexuality, lesbianism, all of that is now finally being accepted as a sexual orientation, but it wasn't long ago that a man who was into another man had to hide it.
Now, the argument is made that unlike homosexuality, obesity is caused by unhealthy life choices that society should look down on, and we let society get away with that one because there's a nugget of truth to it. If someone eats 33,000 calories per day and sits around like a sloth, they're going to blow up like a balloon. Janniepeg pointed out however that some people are predisposed to obesity (the genes), so what is said to those people, or those with chronic illness or taking medication with a weight gain side effect (like anti-depressants)?
Being overweight is now one of the last "acceptable" social classes to ridicule. If you like a fat girl, it's a fetish. If you are fat, you're not supposed to have anyone, or you're only good for sex and to laugh at afterwards. Guys will sleep with them and then call them "wildebeest" behind their back to their friends (or lie, like your guy did) to make it look like he really didn't fancy her.
The same people out there today who say that a guy is biologically made to prefer a skinny girl are simply the modern counterparts to guys who used to chant "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" at the Stonewall Riots in the 60's.
It's up to you to decide what to do with your boyfriend, but I think you should start with some heart-to-hearts, because we all could give you plenty of opinions about why he does what, but he's the only one who can answer for himself.
I am one of the lucky ones - my family grew up eating healthy and loving exercise and hating nasty fast food. But I feel passionate about this not only because of having overweight friends who I love (who doesn't in America?!), but because my mom nearly killed herself with anorexia and diet pills when I was little, convinced that she was fat no matter how rack thin she was in reality.
Anyways, I'm off my soapbox now. Society can be cruel, and overweight people should be able to live in a world without judgement. I'm convinced that more would get healthy (and thin as as result) if that could actually happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): I'm the OP. Thank you so much for the advice everybody.
I'd like to give you an update of something that happened today and would love to hear your thoughts.
So a mutual friend of ours (who's actually more my friend at this point) was over today and so I started discussing some of my concerns that I mentioned here and I brought up the fact that my boyfriend had slept with that other girl (the overweight one) and I showed him her facebook profile. To which his jaw drops and he looks astonished. And, NO, not because she is overweight. But here's why.
My friend then tells me, that he knew about that incident, when my boyfriend had slept with this other girl (he knew because of the dates, it happened on a specific holiday) that, at the time, my boyfriend had mentioned this other girl to him and the boys and was bragging to them that this girl was a 'knockout' and was 'gorgeous.' All the boys were intrigued. He said that my boyfriend then showed the guys a couple of pictures of her and he said it was pictures of a totally different girl. He said the girl he showed them pictures of was slender and fit. Different face. Not the same girl.
So we were both kind of speechless. Turns out he had sex with this overweight girl and was bragging to his friends and fabricated a woman completely different than the one he was actually with.
Now I am so confused...why would he even do that if it wasn't even something he felt proud of and felt the need to lie about it?
I mean if this is just a 'preference' like some of you have suggested and nothing more, if he was just weighing his options before deciding on who to be exclusive with, then why did he lie and conceal who she really was from his friends and instead made up an entirely different woman?
Isn't a fetish usually something you keep hidden?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (26 March 2015):
 I agree with youwish, but from reading your post, I feel that there are perhaps other "issues" with this that might not be so obvious.
You go to a great deal of effort in your post to tell us how you are a "very pretty girl, I am not overweight, and have never had a problem getting guys" and how you are a great success with men ". I have had great sex with super studly men, I had one boyfriend with a ten inch c*ck, I've had some interesting sexual experiences"
When you talk about these fat women, you seem to think they are a joke (lots of lols) and cannot understand WHY your BF might be attracted to them, because obviously, they are fat right? How could anyone possibly be attracted to them when there are super skinny (or super studly men) women about. It does seem that you are very much repulsed by overweight women, and feel that they are below you.
Attraction comes in many forms, and a single person, could be attracted to many different types of people. Fat, thin, blonde, brunette, (see no one ever mentions redheads), old or young. Attractions can vary over time as you age, or from person to person. Sometimes the personality can totally outweigh looks.
I suspect that you are insecure about your relationship, based on his attitude, and I think this issue stems from the beginning when he was also sleeping with this "super obese" girl. In your head, he chose to sleep with her, when he could have been exclusive with you, (the sexy skinny one) and you can't see beyond the physical image. There is still a hint of retrospective jealousy about it, you cannot understand why or how he would have been with someone you think is so unattractive.
I personally don't agree with sleeping with multiple people, so in that respect, he was most definitely being a player.
This is classic "try before you buy", he might have been comparing all sorts of things, not just weight, but personality and compatibility. He chose you. There must have been a reason for this - that he finds YOU attractive and likes spending time with you.
You are dragging issues up here, where really there is nothing to worry about. If he wanted to date a fat girl, he wouldn't be with you. Doesn't mean he can't find fat women attractive.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2015):
 As a formerly SMO BBW (severely morbidly obese big beautiful woman) who is now average but spent a few years model thin after surgery I can tell you that it's not a fetish.
It's a preference... and much like YouWish says it's like any other preference. My husband likes young thin Asian women.
I am none of the above. But the man loves me and would not cheat on me. He will look at other women and comment that they are "fat" when they are smaller than I am. He thinks I"m perfect.
Your guy can love you and be with you and be faithful to you and think you are perfect for him but still like the look or feel of heavier women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Why when a man likes a heavier woman is it considered a fetish and when men like extremely thin women, many of whom look borderline anorexic it's considered normal and natural
I'm sorry I just don't get that . People can be attracted to whatever it likes , my understanding is that a fetish involves an inanimate object or intangible ie shoes , peeing
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 March 2015):
I have multiple thoughts about this post.
First of all, I wouldn't have accepted your boyfriend's explanation of sleeping with someone else as "we weren't exclusive yet". When sex enters the picture, unless the understanding is that you're an FWB, then sex implies that you're exclusive. You don't get to have lots of sex with people, then say "okay, now we're exclusive". It's dangerous and puts your partner at risk for STI, and it's also deceptive because you're supposed to be determining who to be in a relationship with. It's one thing to DATE more than one woman before becoming exclusive, but it's another thing to SLEEP with more than one woman. That makes him a player or womanizer.
Second of all, preferring heavier women isn't any more of a "fetish" as it is preferring a brunette or Asian or a taller or shorter woman as a "type". A fetish has to do with a "deviant" or unusual sex practice like being defecated on or like BDSM or infantism. A body type isn't a fetish, and society wasn't always okay with "fat shaming"..in fact, there are cultures now who glorify a larger body and in the past, it was a sign of wealth or prosperity or birthing prowess. I am not fat, but I have friends who are, and they're no more ashamed in public than their thin counterparts. My husband's mom was obese when I met her (heh...one more reason she was wary about me - she thought I'd look down on her for her weight...not at all!), and his father was attracted to her precisely because she, in his words, had "meat on her bones and knew how to enjoy a good meal". In fact, 10 years ago, she lost a ton of weight and they actually had to go to marriage counseling because he was less attracted to her as a thin person. She is still thin - has gained a little of the weight back, but they are still together.
Your boyfriend's with you, so unless he's cheating on you, then he's happy with you. He either has principles and is faithful or he isn't. If you trust him, then that's all that matters. Some guys date women who are small-breasted, yet look up women with massive breasts when it comes to porn. Those are simply images to get off to and not an indicator that there's actual competition.
He says he's into heavyset women, but he also says that's not all that turns him on. If he's with you, then you turn him on. Don't rile yourself up because you think that every obese woman is going to make him her sex slave or something. Bisexuals are attracted to both men and woman, but they are faithful to who they are in love with. He can be into thin and heavy women and still you are enough for him. Don't sweat it. It has to do with his "type"...it's not a fetish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): unless you come across a text or friend that seems questionable I wouldn't worry. Hell im lesbian but I love gay porn and like watching men be affectionate with other men. Hell I love men performing oral sex on other men. But I am disgusted by sex with a guy. Plus it cant or never have aroused me. I never had sex with a guy and im 29. Super lesbian. So basically fetish and fantasy are okay as long as he doesn't cheat. My girlfriend like curvy girls and I was slim when we met. I tried putting on weight but only could put on 5 pounds. Now five years later im almost 140 and very curvy and she loves it. but let him fantaszie
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 March 2015):
 There are different theories like Freudian, infancy, of how people develop fetishes but it doesn't matter. In your post it sounds like his fetish is a life long one, not just some fleeting fancy. I believe he committed to you because he knows that a relationship is not built on a fetish. He may be hesitant before because of what he's doing now. Looking up fat women while being with you, which is not fair for you. He doesn't know if you can accept him long term.
It's hard to love a person when you look at them as objects for your arousal. Fetishes are also taboo and hidden. It works when it's something you do once in a while, underground but he probably feels ashamed to show off an obese person as girlfriend in front of family. Obese people are also unhealthy. They may have high risks for pregnancy and give children obese genes also. When fat children grow up they get ridiculed and bullied in school. Fat women are loved by some men but in general it's a harsh world for them. While fat women are what turns him on, practically a long term relationship does not work for him. I know of people who are married to obese people or they got obese later. But for him, a fetish and who he wants to be long term a two different things. You have to set boundaries of what's acceptable. I don't think what he's doing is acceptable. If he is not able to bury this fetish he shouldn't be with you.
You have a sexual need to be admired and seduced. He can't give you this need. You can't enjoy his orgasms without questioning whether he's thinking of an obese woman all the time. If I were you I would not feel insecure. I kind of feel sorry for people with fetishes. It's a kind of paraphernalia, something pathological. In this hyper sexual culture, fetishes are glorified but I see them as a dysfunction because it means you can only be aroused by very limited sources. Some people even let fetishes take over their lives, such as those who compulsively need to wear diapers all the time.
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