A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there everyone. Thanks for checking out my post. I really appreciate it. So rightt. To the question. So me and my girlfriend are kind of being silent from each other. All of this is just too confusing so bear with me. She was an ex of mine who I love so very dearly and genuinely, now we're back together and I am super stoked to finally be together once more after so many years (for privacy reasons, I'm just going to say more than 4 years).Before we got back together (quite a few weeks back), we cleared out some stuff like clarifying whether the both of us did intimate things with anyone else while we weren't together and if we were together with someone else at the time we were apart. She was in a relationship with a guy who she knows is a rebound and that getting into that relationship is a mistake and from my side, I was neither in a relationship with any girl nor was I engaging in intimate sessions with any other girls. I actually wanted to be with no one else other than my girlfriend and she knows that fully. So you may ask what the confusion I've been talking about? Well here goes, she claims to have found/seen/heard something a few days back 'showing' that I was with someone else during the time we weren't together. I have no clue whatsoever on what she's talking about so I asked her about it and she just won't say what she found. She even threatened to break us off if she shows it to me because she feels like I would lie to her some more about that just so I could defend myself. Now she's calling me a liar and that she feels betrayed and she asked for some space. I feel extremely sad that she would just point a finger to me and say all that without making things clear because I have no idea what she's talking about. I don't want to lose her again over something in the past which didn't even happen at all. Please guide me on what I should do. I'm so lost and I am feeling so depressed over this problem. P/S: I didn't lie to her about that at all I want you all to know that. I have no secrets about this. I just want my girlfriend back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Haha,I say "Exes are exes for a reason" too,all the time.However, what I see here is: the wrong start.Why did you have to "clear the past"?What you have done in the time you've been APART (i.e. officially NOT together is NONE of her business. Equally,of course, none of yours to meddle in her relationships, but what I'm trying to say is SHE could NOT have known that you would get back together. Shit,maybe you did NOT know you'll get back together TILL the chance came up and you felt like it).So,you've started on the wrong foot coz the past is the past and is not a sexual competition game ("Oh,she had 3 partners,I need two more to get equal" or "Shiiiit, he was in love with me all the time and I was with this guy,how do I come out of it?")You see where I am going? You are both playing games.You coz you've put her on a pedestal (as your "ideal" girl.) and she because she is trying to justify being with that guy.She shouldn't have to.Nor need to. But after what you've told her she probably feels like she does need to "level the playing field".See how it is? She just doesn't want this "uneven start" but you can never get completely "even" with an ex. Or even with a potential new partner-past sexual conquests are of no relevance. Your commitment to one another is what matters.So do not repeat the "number of sexual partners game" mistake in the future.I absolutely believe you, trouble is -it will be very hard for her to believe.If it it is that HARD for her to believe you, TRUST YOU and your word, is there even a relationship left to save?You sound like a nice guy, so I wish you the best of luck, but I would advise you to leave the past squarely where it belongs: in the past.Best of luck,The Nonny
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 March 2015):
 I agree that she's using this as a way to get out of the relationship.
It's very true an ex is an ex for a reason and unless th issues that caused the break up are addressed then the same issues will come up.
I am betting this girl is your "first love" and sadly OP those are rarely our last loves you were very young when yo got together.
what you want at 16 is not what you want at 20 and what you want at 25 is even more different than 16 and by the time you get to 30 it's totally different... we grow, we mature, we change.
I suggest you say to her "You are right, you feel what you feel and I can't change that so I'm not going to try to but i do not have to accept the accusations so If you don't like what you think happened, then you need to leave or you need to never mention it again." then the next time she brings it up, that's your cue to walk away and not look back.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (26 March 2015):
 P.s I know breakups are hard, but sometimes you have to look back and see that although painful, past relationships can make you learn, and have better times in the future.
Look back on the good times, now is the time to move on and find someone even better who WANTS to be with you.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (26 March 2015):
I agree with janniepeg. Ex's are ex's for a reason, and 99.9% of the time it is unwise to go back and try again.
The initial first flush of "WOW i've missed you" makes you forget as to why you did break up. But it doesn't change anything.
From your age range of 22-25, and your details of having been apart/separated for over 4 years, you must have been dating this girl when you were still a teenager. You are now a grown up, adult man. YOU have changed. SHE has changed. You are both very different people now, having had very different experiences, and now have different outlooks on what you want from life and who you are inside.
I suspect she is making up excuses as a reason to break up. You are the innocent party in this. Now you are both adults and a relationship would come with much bigger commitments than that of teenagers. It may be she realises you care for her more than she cares for you and the teenage dream doesn't fit in with her adult self.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 March 2015):
 It would be hard to believe for 4 years you didn't date anyone, but she's being unreasonable. It's possible that she didn't mean it literally and she's feeling guilty because while she's trying to get over you, you loved her all that time. So she's trying to manipulate the truth and make you think that she cares about you more than you think. Her reaction does not show that she wants to get back with you. It shows that she's keeping tabs on you, getting attention from you but doesn't want the real deal. Don't get depressed about this girl or let her string you. An honest and decent person does not make stuff up. I believe she created this story so you and her would be equal. She had one partner, you had one partner so there won't be any power issues. God knows the truth and she knows the truth.
There are people who got jealous of what their exes got with after getting back together. Although technically it's not cheating, the heart feels so. She might be afraid that you would use this against her and opine that if she had loved you she wouldn't have got with another guy.
You are exes for a reason. In healthy relationships people don't break up, get back together then threaten break up again. if you don't get her back then you should feel glad that you won't waste your time.
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