A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Quite a few close male friends I know in relationships don't actually seem to care about their girlfriends all that much. Or they do, but they see her as a temporary thing, and merely a girl of convenience for sex and companionship rather than possibly The One or someone they really love and respect. I've heard some of them say to mates they're only with their girlfriends because they can't find anything better. Or that they're not 100% sure that their girlfriends are the right people for them, but they'll stick with them for now and "try her out." These haven't just been guys who've only been seeing their girlfriends for a few weeks but also a few months or years. They don't seem to know what they want.I realise that this isn't an attitude exclusive to guys, but as a straight girl who's been single all her life and isn't sure whether she wants a relationship at uni, I was wondering: is it asking for too much to actually want a guy who loves you nowadays rather than just finding you sexually attractive and thinking you're a great friend? Do most guys in relationships, or at least most guys under 25 or at uni, honestly not care all that much any more? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Pardy +, writes (1 June 2013):
This stage of life is about being you and finding yourself. You are at university where if you put your effort and concentration into your study you can leave knowing you did your best.If you met a guy you would know if he's worth being with if he lets you be you, supports your study, doesn't demand you to change your way of life in any way and above all he is committed to you. Otherwise you are too busy taking your step toward your future career path, for a job in future where you will be spending the majority of your day so you want to get off to a good start build a firm foundation for where you spend your time so that its a happy path for you. Relationships can wait for when you are ready for one. Not all guys have this attitude about women, you don't need to be anyone's pass time if you want to be The One you can and will be if you keep your standards high and maintain your self respect knowing your own worth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): OP that goes for everything in life at your age. How many people your age know exactly what career they want to do and are 100% focussed on getting it. How many people you know, know exactly where they'll be or what they'll be doing in 2 years time?
Plus there's also the fact that a lot of that is just talk. I mean I still have friends who complain all the time about their partner who they've been with 5-10 years, some even sound like they hate them if you didn't know them well.
They do care OP or they wouldn't be in the relationship, they just honestly can't say how long it will last nor do they assume it will because they don't know. You're not going to find many guys your age who are "settled".
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (31 May 2013):
Life all comes down to picking your best option. As a young man, there are a lot of them....
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 May 2013):
 At your age, both men and women commonly aren't looking for marriage or long-term relationship and are merely enjoying what they have at the moment. This is totally normal and not something to be horrified at, since at your age it would be impractical to settle down in permanent relationships due to the fact that mentally a human being doesn't fully mature until they're in their late twenties.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (31 May 2013):
 You ask an interesting question op.To me women are like cars it doesn't matter how nice your Ferrari is an how much you like it a Lamborghini will still grab your attention.Men like variety and are always on the look out for the next new thing especially when it comes to women.No matter how attractive a guys GF is theres always a girl thats more attractive.its true many guys will be with a girl just because shes all they can get.. a Honda isnt a ferrari but its better then walking.What women have to do to weed out these types is to set standards and deadlines if your guy isnt meeting those then hes probably not that into you. if four years go buy and hes not proposing marriage something is wrong.personally i wouldnt want to be tied down to one woman but no one can be a rolling stone forever.. and polygamy is weird and expensive..in the end we all settle but hopefully we settle for the rite one
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): It depends what you expect from a young man if you are in a committed relationship which you both agreed upon. If you have gotten him to a committed relationship with you only and he has not broken your trust then you have your answer. Your statement can go both ways. I know or have heard of men over the age of 25 who were less committed than younger men. Remember one important thing. Any committed relationship requires a lot of work. I know, I have been there and still in a committed relationship of over three years. Its a lot of work which has its trials and tribulations. Don't let anybody tell you different. With your concentration on school I don't think you should worry about one which is monogamous with one man. I only got committed to my man when I was half way through grad school. It was the same for him. Keep your mind on school and if somebody great comes along great. Good-luck move on.Stay strong.
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A
male
reader, ben345 +, writes (30 May 2013):
I am a 20 year old guy at uni and would never cheat on a girlfriend or mess her around. Trust me, we are out there :). Having said that, my best friend went to uni with his girlfriend and even shared a house with her; to me, that's too much, and he's simply missing out on the most free time of his life.
But yes, nice guys do exist :).
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2013): Most men aren't as openly emotional about their relationships as women tend to be. Men pretend to be cavalier and indifferent; but go to pieces when they lose someone they love, just like a woman. They cry, annoy their friends with whining, get drunk, drunk text, and go without changing their underwear for weeks out of misery of a breakup.Guys perform in front of other guys, so they aren't written off as "whipped," or pretend they're the big shot in charge. That's inflated ego spouting BS! Nothing is further from the truth. Yes, it is true that there are a lot of tools out there. However; no matter how much of s jerk a person may be; everyone wants to be loved.Most relationships are trial connections between people pending the most final and emotionally-involved attachment they can find. A "true" love-connection. So they tend to be more casual and may not be as committed. They know it may only be temporary. Some relationships truly have an expiration date. There are always true exceptions. Then there are people who have absolutely no respect for commitment and don't care about the feelings of others. These people are narcissists or sociopaths that don't really have the ability to feel love for others. They have a border-line mental disorder. Their problems date back to childhood and they are products of dysfunctional families, abuse, and a lack of male or female role models. Unfortunately, they prey on loving souls like vampires.For those of us who are romantically inclined; we enjoy our younger years dating and going through the ritual of courtship. You're going to run into a few bad apples, but you can't become cynical based on a few bad experiences.That's just life. I've had the best time of my life with the worst people I've ever dated. Ironic isn't it?Keeping a positive attitude, learning from our mistakes, andusing every failed relationship as a lesson learned; we prepare for that final and true love-connection. Those who lose heart never find it. They fail because of a self-fulfilling prophecy that they will never find love. You can't find what you don't truly believe in. Why? They've filed it with leprechauns and unicorns. Cynicism and self-hatred clouds their judgment.Therefore; they are blind to all possibilities.People under 25 should be getting an education, seeking their life-goals, and enjoying life. Traveling to expand their horizons, and interacting with people of different nationalities, ethnicity, races, and cultures. Sometimes love may be found on a totally different continent. The point of "dating" is to try on different personalities to find out which is most compatible with our own. You are also sampling from the delicious cornucopia of human diversity. That enriches the soul, if you are adventurous.Sometimes it may take years to find that someone; but it is meant to be a pleasant journey, with a few bumps along the road. How far can you drive before you finally reach a stop sign or a red-light? How long can your relationship endure before you hit a snag or breakup? You go through trial and error until "the one" comes along, that you're willing to go the full journey. Those guys you describe tweak you preparation for something much better.The true love connection. In spite of the snags, stop signs, and road-blocks. You love them enough to forgive, trust, compromise, and defend them. Then someday that could reverse; and you breakup (or file for divorce), and take them for all they're worth. That's life.Too many people rush into relationships based on hormones and feel-good endorphins disguised as love. They can't tell the difference between love and lust. When they come down off the hormonal high, and the haze clears, they know. Oh boy, do they know. That's what those obnoxious guys mean. Their hormonal high has gone, and they see more realistically what they have and what they feel.Age isn't necessarily a factor for people who don't give a hoot about relationships. A guy can be a tool until he's 99 with one foot in the grave. A woman can be a human meat-grinder until her tattoos are so wrinkled they look like giant age-spots. They still need love; but don't have a clue how to handle it. It's pathetic they get that old and still haven't learned. It happens. That's life. Your youth is your time of experimentation, self-awareness, and discovery. Women mature faster than men, and being biologically different, we also have a different emotional approach to relationships. Don't let these guys fool you. You can break their hearts so badly, that they can go from a muscle-bound jock in a pent-house; to a shriveled-up bearded home-less man living in a card-board box. In the span of week. All it takes is the wrong girl to steal his love.Don't give up on them. You have lots of life ahead of you to explore the kingdom of mankind. You have your choice amongst the minion, and don't have to settle for the low-lifes or losers. Just by what you've written, you're a smart woman and you have a plan. Just don't let your inexperience fool you into thinking those poor examples are all you have to look forward to.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 May 2013):
 There are guys who are serious about being in a relationship, but in this case, a lot of it is timing. The ones you've heard about aren't interested in settling down yet as they're still in college and are prioritizing their degree and career.
But to say all men are at that point would be over-generalizing things. Many marriages have started as dating in college.
The ones who tell their friends that they're settling with their girlfriends are idiots. Sometimes it's to brag, similar to when many women spend time gossiping about their husbands, and sometimes it's truly because those guys are self-centered asshats who made the mistake of letting the world know that they are some girl's worst nightmare. And it's still others who actually do care about their girlfriends, but who want to appear to be as much of a player as their buddies they seem to want to impress.
In your case, I think the approach best for you is to concentrate on excelling in school and not pay attention to guys. For some strange reason, it's like the "Watched kettle" syndrome. The relationship happens when you least expect it.
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