A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am divorced. He had a five year affair which ultimately ended our 23 year marriage. Four and a half years on an old university friend of his has contacted me and taken me to dinner, obviously hoping for more!! Part of me feels, why not, uncomplicated sex with no commitment would be so easy, but could I really do that to another married woman? I don't think so! But then again if no-one knew would it hurt anyone. For three and a half years I had no idea what my husband was up to so I suppose at that time what he was doing was irrelevant but for the last 18 months I did know and it made me feel unloved worthless and obviously my husband had no respect for me. Wish I could talk to this lady, maybe she also has relationships maybe what he does benefits his marriage. I could convince myself of that quite easily to justify sex with a man who clearly 'knows what he is doing'! But surely just sex with no feeling is really something I should not get into as I believe women need some sort of emotional commitment. To complicate matters I have a partner who I am sure although he declares love for me will never get over his ex-wife, his only lover before me! I also have a previous boyfriend, for whom I feel nothing, still 'interested' and another married man to whom I am attracted always giving me compliments, but he is in a happy relationship which I would not mess up for the world.I sound like a complete self obsessed tart but I am so amazed to have ant male attention at all. I am not at all pretty and thick as a brick so is it just that i am available and men like that regardless of how happy they really are with their marriages. Are humans generally destined to be together 'forever' or are we really just animals at heart seeking love and self preservation?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (16 February 2008):
 I do think there are many things that unfold in a relationship. These things determine how the relationship evolves. Sometimes we have to go through "stuff" to get to the next level.
You asked, if you had sex with the married friend from university and nobody knew, what is the harm? The harm is the fact you'd be contributing to one of societies ills. You and the married man would know and when we have integrity, that should be enough. If people did the proper thing based on it's own merits, the world would be a better place. If people did the right thing instead of what they could get a way with, things would be so much better. The fact nobody knows doesn't make bad change to good. If I take $5 out of my bosses wallet every Friday and he doesn't notice, does that mean it's OK? It's not, it makes me a thief and him $5 poorer.
The fact men are attracted to you should come as no surprise. There are many men out there who would love to be with you. Many want sex, many want love and a relationship. I do believe that it is possible and wonderful when you met the right person. As I said earlier though, there are many "right" people out there. It just depends how things unfold and the things that are happening in your life at that moment. Sometimes we meet the right person but because of other circumstances we miss the clue. Let's just say you know the feeling when a connection occurs. It's magical and easy to see.
Having said that it is also naive to think there are not others out there who you feel attracted to. That is why it is so important to build a solid relationship. It's easy to throw away a 23 year marriage for something new. New feels good for it's own reason. What new does not have is history, memories, trust etc. New is exciting. Old can be mundane but safe. The important thing is to maintain an older relationship and treat it with respect. Value it for what it is, an accomplishment. Anybody can have sex and new, exciting relationships. Maintaining an old relationship takes integrity and commitment. In order to accomplish this, you have to see the value in true, tested love. It's not something you can hold, it's just something to value.
I'm almost 45 and married 22 years. The older I get the more I value my wife and our history. She is the one who will take care of me when I can no longer help myself. I'm not so sure a new woman would do that. Why would my wife take care of me when that day comes? She wold do it based on our history and love.
In closing, there is never just one person out there for us. It's all coincidence. It's what you make of the situation you have in front of you. The proof is easy to see too. If I died today, there is someone else out there who my wife could grow to love. That man exists but based on the circumstances of today, she's not looking to find him.
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