A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for a little over 6 months. We were boyfriend and girlfriend until the end of November when he broke up with me. He said he wanted to break up because he's too stressed because he got fired from his job and he needed to focus on finding a job and bettering himself. He texted me 5 days after breaking up with me and asked if I wanted to hang out, and I said yeah. Ever since then we've been seeing each other once or twice a week and hooking up, but sometimes we just hang out and watch movies and cuddle and talk. And we text everyday just to see what the other is doing. I've brought up a couple of times that I want to get back to being "official", and he tells me that I'm pressuring him. I asked him "Do you just want to stay casual forever?" and he said "No but I want to figure some things out for myself before I bring someone else into my life. I don't wanna cut you out but I have to be happy with myself and not have to worry about making someone else happy". He has told me "I have doubts (about us) but that doesn't mean I don't care or don't like you or don't love you". I did give him an ultimatum a few weeks ago, I told him we are either together as boyfriend or girlfriend or we can't see each other anymore, and he chose to not see each other (he said he didn't want to not see me anymore, but he doesn't want to be official right now either), but I gave in a few days later.He still hasn't found a job and had to move back in with his parents. I know he's not seeing anyone else, and I know he doesn't handle stress well at all, worse than anyone I've seen. He lets things bring him down too much. I'm just confused about what I should do. Is that a real reason for not wanting to be with me?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Nope NOT A VALID REASON in my opinion.
You gave him an ultimatum and then you backed down. He knows he owns you and can keep you on a string till he finds someone better.
If you are sleeping with him you are truly FWB nothing more...
YOU are going to BE HURT by this relationship in the long run.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Hello
I don't think it's a valid reason, no. How does being official with you add to his stress levels?
Does being casual/ unofficial mean that you are both free to see other people? You say he's not seeing anyone else, but do you think he's keeping that option open to him?
If you are not comfortable being unofficial, you need to stick to your boundaries and give him another ultimatum that you stick to. I know it's not easy when you like someone, but this casual arrangement isn't making you happy.
Who knows, if you break it off with him and stick to it (with no contact at all), he might eventually realise what he's missing. But by that time, I hope you'll have moved on and found someone who wants the same level of committment as you do.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 No, it's not a real reason. It COULD be if he were so focused on getting a new job, to have all his free time w tied up in job hunting or going back to school etc. But apparentgly you still keep seeing each other quite often and doing the same things you used to do, only without the committment and the obligations.
He is just stringing you along till he meets someone else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Sorry honey, you are a convenient place for him to park his dick and get some sex without having to work for it.
You tried the ultimatum, and he TURNED you down. HE DOESN'T want to be in a relationship, but he likes to have someone to have sex with.
Back off and let him sort himself out.
YOU can NOT make someone WANT to be in a relationship with you.
And STOP "hooking" up if you want more then "just" hooking up. Most guys assume that if a girl is willing to have sex, she is fine with just sex. And most girls "think" that if they put out, the guy will "magically" realize what a great girl she is and want to date her.. There is a huge disconnect here.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (2 January 2013):
 By "hooking up" I assume you mean sex. He's not wanting to be in a relationship with you, he just wants to be friends with benefits - no strings attached sex.
If you want to hang out and be friends, then do that - but stop sleeping with him. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then you shouldn't be taking care of his sexual needs.
As along as you're willing to be considered "friend" status, but continue to sleep with him - he has no reason to make you official. You came running back to him after telling him you weren't going to see him anymore - and you're not trying to date anyone else, so he knows he's not going to lose you. He knows how you feel about him, and he's using that to his advantage.
Do yourself a favor. Either be JUST friends - no sex - or cut all ties completely, and go out and date other guys.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I don't see how what you're both doing already is any different to how it would be if you were official?
You see eachother once or twice a week, thats about the average time un-cohabiting couples see eachother, including myself in my own relationship.
You text eachother everyday, and are already acting like a couple, he's obviously emotionally involved, so what more would he actually be sacrificing for the title of 'Boyfriend'? Nothing, you're already doing all is expected as a normal couple.
It doesn't sound like a good excuse, it just sounds like he wants the benefits without being tied down.
x
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