A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wanted to know if it is normal for your bf to masterbate to porn mag.'s rather than have sex with me? I always want sex, and he knows it, he looks at porn mag.'s while and after work.He always makes sexual advances when i’m sleeping. I feel like all he wants to do is masterbate and not have sex with me. When we do have sex....he goes back to watch more porn and sometimes masterbates again....he is really making me feel unwanted. Why does he rather do that than have sex with me? He also knows that i don’t mind quickies or me satisfying just him, because it makes me feel good that i can help him. I get so frustrated that i have to satisfy myself all the time. What should I do? and is it normal?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): The following are just thoughts I had for your review and consideration. They may not apply, but because I know neither of you, I present them in case they haven't been considered. They also cross the path of things I've learned about myself, so I'm going to try and tailor them to the words you’ve posted. The key is knowing the person your trying to understand, and being able to ask the right questions, which can feel like a full time job: very difficult with all other responsibilities factored in.
What is the frequency that you do have sex together? Once a week?
When he says it isn't you, does he indicate what it might be?
Personally, I feel he has a mental issue: something is troubling him; it could be self-esteem. There can be many reasons that cause this behavior. Human nature is to forget as quickly as possible our pains, so he may not be connected to himself enough to understand currently why, but there is a real felt urge, due to either stress, anxiety that he is presently feeling, and instead of going to you, he instead goes to porn. If this were true, then the reason he does so is because he senses a partial understanding of his problem but not fully, which is a basic need he has, but because he can't put his finger on it, he is afraid of acting and hurting you in the interim, and this would explain why he reverts to the porn instead of a physical contact with you.
Getting him to open up, without fear of criticism is very important for you to understand and be able to help him. For whatever reason that is present, he fears rejection and criticism if he is not willing to openly tell you. Again, I don't know how the two of you have been getting along over the years to know this.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 It's true: it's not you. It's him wanting to live in The Unreal World.
When he has the "urge" to have sex, he checks the magazine. Yeah, right. In your description of your problems, you said that sometimes, after sex, he goes to his magazines and masturbates again. Now that's consistent with what he said. He has you there, has "the urge", and goes to his magazines.
He's got a problem, it's a serious one, and he's not listening.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (4 May 2008):
First, one clarification: When I spoke about a certain behavior not being "unusual" anymore, I didn't mean looking at porn. Come on, most everyone has watched porn. What I meant was that only too often we find a post by a woman whose heart is torn because her husband/boyfriend/fiancé is always looking at porn and neglects her. That seems not to be so unusual anymore.
I guess Kimaxsi is onto something. Our dear poster says that she does anything he wants, yet he is still preferring the magazines over her. And that's not because he doesn't enjoy being with her. I suppose that porn has something of an appeal for him, perhaps because he would like to live in The Unreal World.
In any case, I still think the poster should ask him directly what he intends to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry ii had a couple repeats there, lol.I asked him what it was he says when he has the urge to see a beautiful woman, or to have sex he does it. I ask him what it is im doing wrong and he says its not me!
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A
female
reader, Misti Hdz +, writes (4 May 2008):
 Maybe if you tell him that quickies are okay and that you are fine with just satisying him, then he feels like you don't realy want to enjoy yourself, and maybe that turns him off. Why don't you ask him what it is he likes about porn...is it the girls, is it watching the other man, what is it exactly, and go from there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have wonderful sex when we have it and im always satisfied. I just want it more often, im lucky i get it once to maybe 3 times a week IF im lucky. I also do WHATEVER he wants in bed, dress sleezy, use sex toys, ANYTHING. He knows id even give him orals sex on command! Im a pretty girl who is 5'10 140lbs, and ive never had this type of problem with a man before. What hurts me about it is that it feels like im sharing him with these imaginary woman! They are getting him when I want him! If i never got rejected when i did make advances i probley wouldnt be jealous. I told him this but and we've had many discussions about this problem and i still find the vasaline and mag's! I;ve already almost ended it with him! Thank you for comments!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have wonderful sex when we have it and im always satisfied. I just want it more often, im lucky i get it once to maybe 3 times a week IF im lucky. I also do WHATEVER he wants in bed, dress sleezy, use sex toys, ANYTHING. He knows id even give him orals sex on command! Im a pretty girl who is 5'10 140lbs, and ive never had this type of problem with a man before. What hurts me about it is that it feels like im sharing him with these imaginary woman! They are getting him when I want him! If i never got rejected when i did make advances i probley wouldnt be jealous. I told him this but and we've had many discussions about this problem and i still find the vasaline and mag's! I;ve already almost ended it with him! Thank you for comments!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni've never turned him down! I do ANYTHING he wants in bed too,dress sleezy, use sex toys, etc.! I give him oral sex on command for god sakes! He is the only one who rejects me.What bothers me is that i find the mag.s and the vasaline and i know what he is doing and i get hurt when im going without sex for him to do hisself, or the "imaginary women". When we do have sex its wonderful and i get satisfied everytime we do it. It's just not that often we have sex. Once to maybe 3 times a week if im lucky. I'm a 31 year old who is 5'10 140 lbs and very pretty, never had this problem with a man before! He is 37 and a great looking man! So maybe he just needs porn obsession help! Because I have told him it hurts me and we have had MANY discussions about it and he stll does it, I've almost left him for it already! Well thanks you everyone!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): He sounds internally and emotionally confused.
Now the following is only speculation based on my own experience, I'm not implying this is true in your case, just something to consider in your attempt to understand him and what might be going through his head.
I think there might be a chance that he has picked up messages from you (verbal and non-verbal) that either your mad at him; you may not be fully approving of him, which has made him feel that he isn't trusted. In other words, you may have hurt his feelings. If he has initiated sex in the past and you turned him down, over time without an explanation that he fully understands, this could slowly but surely build up to the point he frantically starts looking elsewhere to heal his inner needs.
I've been in this situation my self, and did go to porn. Shortly after viewing this stuff, I asked myself why was I doing this and what caused me internally to seek this out. I learned it was because I had a disconnect with my wife on physical intimacy, and not just sex, but holding, caressing and cuddling. Kind of like the baby/mother situation. I was lacking a need: closeness. This is the best that I can explain it, and after reading cases of both women and men doing things that seemed unusual, I came to the conclusion that this might be the missing link, or problem in the relationship, whether it is a woman or a man. We have needs, and if not met, we begin to break down, performing activities that are not normal, and when we look back, we don't have an answer as to why we did it. My suggestion is what I t"think" the problem maybe rooted at.
His masterbating to porn or a magazine is a desperate need to fullfill a need that is missing. He no doubt may not recognize this or even be aware of it.
Take care and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes ive asked him why and he says it has nothing to do with me! dont get me wrong when we do have sex its wonderful, just not often enough!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (4 May 2008):
"Normal" is difficult to define. He does have an uncaring behavior. I was going to write "unusual", too, but apparently it's not unusual anymore.
I can't understand it, either. You have the flesh and blood woman by your side and you go to a magazine. Wow. He refuses to have the real thing.
I think this would be wrong even if he did have sex with you. If I understand correctly, you don't have just the problem that he prefers porn; you also have the problem that you're never satisfied in the relationship. And I think you have good reason for that.
I think you should ask him why he does this, and what he thinks he will do regarding you and your needs. I'm not sure whether you have discussed this.
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