A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need to know if I am over-reacting to this situation. My fiance are a happy couple, mostly. We've been together a couple of years now, and I feel that he accepts me for who I am and all my flaws. Except one.I have a hormonal condition that makes me put on weight super easily and keep it on. I've dieted, I exercise. I'm a generally healthy person, I walk a few miles daily, I'm a vegetarian (I know this does not = health necessarily, but my diet is very healthy, full of fruits and veggies, not junk food). Lately my fiance has been making remarks on how I should try to eat healthier, go running, not eat quite so much, past a certain time in the evening, etc. Now, he says this as in we both should do this, but he doesn't do it himself! Only expects me to!I feel that he is saying these things because he has an issue with my weight, and wishes I were slimmer (perhaps like the unattainably fake women in porn?). I asked him and he didn't say yes, but didn't say no either. He just said that he thinks my eating is contributing to my unhappiness. How does being thin equate to being happy? Sure, I'd love to lose weight! But what I would love more is to finally be with someone who doesn't think I need to change to be beautiful or happy.Am I wrong? Does he really have pure intentions or is this damaging? Thank you all!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 May 2012):
 Maybe it's not all of a sudden . Meaning that maybe he has seen you for the last two years aknowledging that there is room for improvement, and that you would LOVE to be slimmer- but improvement has not been made and nothing has changed in two years . Maybe he has more a problem with your fatalist attitude than with your actual weight.
The hormonal condition... I don't know which one is yours, maybe is a very rare and serious one, - but in general you can't play the hormonal conditon card forever, because it is simply not true that if you have one you CAN'T lose weight. I know because I have the worst thyroid ever , my metabolism is shot and I have to take meds just to keep it going at snail pace. I have to watch what and how much I eat, because I gain weight very rapidly and I lose it very slowly. But, when I decided that I had gone from " pleasantly plump " or " sensually shapely " to, well, fat, I DID lose weight. It just takes a bit more time ,consistence and determination than to another person. It's somewhat more difficult- yet not impossible at all.
It think he has heard YOU commenting unfavourably about your wiggly arms, and fat belly etc. So, what he is trying to do now is probably a kinder , gentler way to say " You don't like it ? Change it . You are not going to change it ? then shut up ".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for the advice. I told him how I felt, and he said that he was sorry that it made me feel that way. He still did not deny that he would like me to be slimmer. I don't think it is really much about health, but more about appearance. I have some extra weight, a belly that isn't flat, arms that jiggle, but I'm not huge. I think that most people have at least some room for improvement, myself definitely included, I just feel that it's odd that suddenly he goes from thinking I'm the healthiest person he knows, to pretty much a junk food addict in his opinion. It's weird.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (30 May 2012):
I think it’s worth telling him that, whether he means to or not, you feel uneasy about the comments he has made. Sure, he might just be worried about you, but unfortunately when people are uncomfortable about their weight or any aspect of their appearance, any comment, however innocent or well-meaning, can feel like a criticism. From what you write in your post, it seems as though you are living a very healthy lifestyle, walking several miles a day is more than enough so long as you’re also eating a sensible diet. The problem with doing more and more to lose weight is that it can become a bit of an obsession. Tell your fiancé that you’d rather he didn’t make the suggestions that he does about your exercise and eating habits as you’ll make your own decisions about your health, and ask him to support you with any changes that you decide to make for yourself if there are any. Be sensitive, remember to tell him that his comments make you feel a certain way: there’s a whole heap of difference between saying that “it feels like you’re doing this” and “you’re doing this.” Once he knows how you feel, you’ll have a clearer picture of whether he does have an issue with your weight, or is just concerned with your happiness. Make sure you’ve not got your wires crossed before you act on his comments.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 It depends just how much extra weight you are carrying, it could be possible that he is just worried about your health and he wants you to be healthy. Talk to him about this and tell him how it has made you feel. Try and clear things up and explain to him how you are feeling. Also if it is a condition you have then maybe you could talk to your doctor and see if they can do anything for you.
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