A
female
age
36-40,
*ostone
writes:Hi agony aunts and uncles. The past couple months I have been trying to understand the confusing male psyche and this forum has always been helpful, but there's still alot more that I don't get.My main question is this: a guy says he doesn't want to be with anyone because he wants to be happy on his own. I understand needing to have your own happiness, but does this mean that you're never going to want happiness from another person? And is this opinion likely to change with time?Me and my ex are trying to be friends but I feel like I can't be a good one because I still love him and want to be with him. So he told me that he doesn't want to be with anyone and kind of made me feel shameful for feeling so much pain from missing him. I don't even understand why he still wants to be friends and takes all the initiative with contact if he is happy being by himself(it's not a FWB since he's acknowledged that doing that would hurt me). Sometimes it feels like guys do not feel the same depth of loneliness as girls. I know there is not a 21 yr old guy in the world who is just dying to be buckled down for life, but when will he feel a lack in his life and want love? Because I want to be the one to do that for him and will work on being the best person I can be in the meantime.Thanks ahead for any advice!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): Can't understand the problem here. If he breaks up with you then he loses your input into his life.
You throw your tv away you can no longer watch it.
You drink all your wine you no longer have any to drink.
Thats how we get to know if things/people are vauable to us. If you can't live without them you keep them with you.
He is sending you mixed messages and this is the reciepe for mental turmoil for you.
This will eventually effect your health.
Allowing him to use you in this way is cheapening you and damaging your self esteem.
Good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): sorry but i really do sometimes feel alot happier on my own........i cant stop my insecurities with people and how people act around me make me want to be alone. just thought you should understand that.
Sometimes though i really feel very lonely but to be honest i dont care what people think of me deep down. the truth is that i am just born to be alone....sigh
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Exactly like Daniel just said. You are never wrong for loving someone, feelings are feelings, we can't control them. But behaviour is different. I'm one of the few that thinks maybe in the future, when you both experience life then MAYBE, you can get back together. But this friend who I love is hurtful stuff, I've done it myself, and it's pure torture. It doesn't bring the guy back, he just gets comfortable using you for emotional support. No reason to hurry back, the only thing that is missing is the sex. Your still there waiting, and he knows he can come back at any time. But if you were busy, if you discovered a life without him. If he couldn't find you to talk to anymore. Well then he would understand that a woman's love and a committed relationship, is a very big difference from just being friends. And this would help you as well. Without him you will find you have many strengths and abilities, you will find that he's not the only man in the world. I'm not telling you to stop loving or wanting him back, that's impossible. But like Daniel and the others, I am asking you to make the best of your life without him. If he comes back good, you'll be stronger, more mature, and he will be wiser as well.. If he doesn't come back, well that's sad, but soon you'll be too busy to notice, and then one day you'll realise that your life is better, more fulfilling and exciting and there are many other men who might suit you better, and can commit to you deeply without needing time off to think...
Love him, but don't get trapped by your love, don't put your life on hold just in case he comes back. Hobbies and interests, what's on the menu, do you have any good ideas, is there something you've always wanted to try. I tried to learn Portuguese, build a fancy garden from seed, become the best cook in the world and learn to ride a bike.... Guess what I was crap at everything, but it was sure fun doing it and giving them all a try.. Next year.. How to learn to date, flirt, and start my own business... It's so much fun looking forward to failure at new things... lol
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 December 2008):
 I just would like to add one thing, which is not meant to go against what my dear Diovan and Oldersister said. In my interpretation of things, we are just complementing or repeating what the other said.
When I think that you must be happy on your own, no matter what other person does or say, I mean it for women, too. Is a woman to live unhappy for ever because the men she has loved were all bastards? What will happen to her when the kids are gone, the husband dies or goes away, et cetera? What will happen to the man if the woman leaves him? You get the point.
All of us have broken up with people before, or have loved people who didn't love us back, et cetera. Would it be good if we lived in sadness because of that?
And, also, what if you're diabetic and they amputate one of your legs? Or you go blind?
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A
female
reader, lostone +, writes (27 December 2008):
lostone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm glad for all the responses, even if they are harsh. There are some things that might not be clear though. He doesn't want to be with anyone not meaning he just wants to have fun being single so he can have lots of girls. He's not looking for excitement. Instead he literally wants to be alone, he says he likes the quiet. And I'm not trying to just chase after him because I know he doesn't want me, he is the one calling and wanting to hang out. I am really the only one he spends any time with and he doesn't talk to any other girls. If I decided what would be best for me is to have no contact with him anymore, he'd be really upset.
It's true I need to find more interests but I do have a loving family and friends I spend time with and hobbies and I work, but I just feel a gap in my life and if you truly love someone, is that wrong? Are you supposed to just give up? We were dating four years and lived together half that time. I would be happy being single and not even dealing with guys if I didn't love him, but my feelings won't just turn themselves off. I'm probably a fool, but I don't feel that's wrong in and of itself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): @Danielpew: There's not much of a contradiction between what I said and what you said. You're right sometimes we do prefer to be on our own, but my answer was just a general one to begin with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): "Because I want to be the one to do that for him and will work on being the best person I can be in the meantime."
See that's the problem babes, that the difference between many men and women.. Women think about men a lot, dose he like me will that please him, can I make him happy,. dose he think I'm beautiful" Men can have the same thoughts as well.. "Do I like myself, am I proud of myself, how can I make myself more handsome, how can I make myself happy, will this please me?"
Do you see the imbalance. Some men live their lives to become the best that they can be to please themselves, so they can feel proud of themselves. Some women live their lives to become the best that they can be to please a man and make the man proud of them... If you and the guy both love the same person.. HIM.. who the hell is loving you.
Men find this suffocating. You should be loving themselves, there should be more than just them in your world. Being in a relationship cuts their freedom, they can't be alone, because you want to always be with him. The can't do hobbies and have interests, because you are always in the way demanding his attention be focused on the relationship.
Men love lots of things, but sometimes it seems that the only things women love are men. Where are your friends and family, what not spend time with them, he has friends and family, he wants to spend time alone with them. Where are your hobbies, he has hobbies and interests where are yours. Where are your goals, he has tons of them, how come yours are just love a man and keep him... Start developing yourself as an independent human being who doesn't need to stand in a man's shadow to breathe. Learn a language, meet new friends, go to church, take up hobbies, anything to shift your focus and make you more interesting and more roundly developed.
If everything is always about him, then what do you have to talk about? What can you have to teach him, what new and exciting things can you share. It sounds like he was feeling bored by the routine of I love you, lets do everything together, and he wants a little more excitement in life. It sounds like he still loves you and cares for you. Somehow I got a strong feeling if you get on with your life and start doing things for you that develop you and make you more interesting, then he might even decide to re-evaluate your relationship. No promises, but confident, sex women, who have tons of interests, hobbies are very attractive to men. A woman who stays at home lonely doesn't seem as exciting in his mind, compared to a woman who goes out and experiences life..
Sorry babes, harsh, but probably a little truth exists in what I say. Your single, try to move on, try to remember what you was like before it all became about HIM.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 December 2008):
I beg to differ with the first poster. No, sometimes guys do want to be on their own. And there is nothing wrong or difficult or particular to that. First of all, it is the guy's choice, which he is free to make. Second, if it is his choice, then that is because he prefers that state of things, at least for the time being.
A moment comes in your life when you realize that your happiness must not depend on what someone else gives you or does for you. We all want company, affection, et cetera, because we are made that way; but we need to stand on our own emotional feet. This has a lot to do with being on your own.
I think, however, that in this particular case what the guy really means is that he hasn't found anyone he really likes as to make the effort to be with her. And maybe he does appreciate you and all, only he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. If he's your contemporary, he's not old enough to know that he needs to be happy on his own.
If you still love the guy and want him to be with you, but he's offering "friendship", then it's best if you stay away. Otherwise you will keep pursuing a lost cause.
I also need to say that it seems like your interpretation of the events is a little biased for your love. You think that eventually he will fall for someone, which is true, and you want to be there for when he is ripe, but then you give an explanation of the facts that matches your own feelings and wishes, not the facts. If you learn to interpret situations as they are, particularly in the field of love, you win a lot.
Wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Well it must be great to have a woman sit herself on the shelf whilst you go round and sleep with loads of girls, looking for the right one and still having you to fall back on.
Whats this thing with staying friends with your ex. It's a new thing. In my day if you split up that was it, you would still say hello and maybe exchange pleasantries.
You were wise enough however to keep a distance between you because you both knew you could not sucessfully progress with another relationship whilst you had an Ex in tow.
My advice split up. He's left you but he hasn't, he is edging his bets. Your friendship will be used to fill the gaps his new girlfriends are lacking in. Essentially you are helping your female rivals out.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Guys in general get along much better on their own than women do by themselves. Women tend to rely a lot more on emotional needs than men. But that doesn't mean we like it better being by ourselves, it's just that we can be by ourselves and not think too much of it. If there's a choice then we'd rather not be.
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