A
male
age
36-40,
*nlucky_man
writes:Hi everyone, I'm a 22 years old male living in the UK. I'm originally from Japan, however I've been living here for a long time, since i was young. I don't know if this type of things should be asked on here, as it's not directly linked to existing relationship.. but anyway, let's see what you think. Like any normal person I've been looking for a relationship towards the end of my school days, and I must say it has been unsuccessful so far. I've been faced with major rejection for many years, like as soon as i show any interests to a girl they would be with another guy within a very short period of time. Or they would say they are interested in someone else. Everytime. Few people even got pregnant so that they didn't have to see me ever again. I have tried internet dating as well, but as soon as I mention where I'm from etc. they are not interested. I'm getting really fed up with this situation and obviously wanted to know people's thoughts on this. I've always been told that far eastern asian men are less likely to get a girlfriend of any sorts, but I never knew it would be this hard. Girls that i know tells me that whoever will be with me will be lucky etc, and they also say that I'm not so bad looking, so is it just that girls in this country is shallow and racist?Please let me know what you think everyone! It's now got me to a point where I dont want to go outside of the house anymore...Thank you!
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male
reader, unlucky_man +, writes (23 November 2009):
unlucky_man is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo i've been trying to have the positive attitudes towards people and whatnot, hence I've not been back on here a while..
I think I can see couple of good comments for a change here, and I can clearly see that some people are hypocrites. If I hate it here so much, go back to Japan? That is exactly the problem that I'm trying to get across. I wouldn't even bother asking the question if I hated it here, I just want something back like I give to others.
Being positive hasn't changed a thing, if anything it made it worse for me that it's still failed. I actually have more friends that are girls than guys, and they do like meeting up with me etc. so I think one person's comment can be cancelled out here.
It is annoying to see that people are always finding someone a lot more easily than me, like on facebook there's always someone going "in relationship with", when they say they were looking!! What do people say about that? It's what you are not supposed to do. Yeah, right.
All the people that shows any interest in me are what's known as weeaboos or wapanese... I'm sure you've never heard it before, google it if you are interested. These type of people are exactly what I DO NOT want to be with.
I will keep trying though, I'm not expecting much to happen though. I rest my case.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): Bro, I know.
Society and the media is way sad to Asian males ATM.
I suggest living in more multicultural, culturally-aware, less-degrading, less-stereotyping countries. COOL countries.
Like New Zealand :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Meh. "Bird of a feather flock together." You're attracting the people you're trying to avoid, etc. You've heard it all. Thats not what you need to hear.
The reality is that statistics show asian men do have difficulty abroad, especially compared to Asian women. I'm honestly not surprised you're not getting any in the UK. The UK is, at the end of the day, is a pretty traditionalist European country; they really aren't that pleased about immigrants in general, so why would they marry you so you'd have more incentive to stay?
I say move to America. You're Japanese, you have an English accent, and hopefully a good career. Americans love anything Japanese. They're a large consumer base for Japanese manga, Japanese toys, Japanese food, etc. If you play your cards right you'll have no problem getting hooked up in the US. I understand your reluctance to leave the UK, after all, it is practically your "home." But times have changed, the UK is no longer the sole superpower of the world, opportunity lies abroad. In fact, you might find it even easier back in Japan, with your excellent English you'll find a job for sure.
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A
female
reader, LethalInjection-x +, writes (24 October 2009):
 I'm going to reply again. A lot of the answers here have been quite positive towards you and we're all trying to respect your feelings. Your opinion seems unchanged however.
There are two issues it seems, the lack of a girlfriend, and prejudice. The latter is something everyone experiences at some point in life, some more than others.. and for various reasons. I personally get it every day for the way I choose to dress, the colours I choose to have my hair, and the piercings and tattoos I've chosen to adorn myself with. I've had things thrown at me on buses, including glass bottles, I've been spat at, shouted at, even punched. Purely because of how I look. Yes, fair enough, I choose to look the way I do and you don't, but I don't make any generalisations about people.
I can understand your negativity towards people if you have to put up with treatment like that, I honestly do. But I'm sorry to say this, but if I met a man like you, I'd be worried about saying the wrong thing.. as though I was constantly treading on egg shells.
I agree with what someone else has said, if you hate it so much here, why not go back to Japan? At least there you couldn't blame the rejection on your appearance?
If you continue to go in the vicious circle you're in, you're liable to end up in an unbearable situation. All hope is not lost, you're young, though, that's not said in a patronising sense.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): I am British and live in the UK, one of my close friends is Japanese and he has never, ever, had problems finding a girlfriend in this country. He is a great fun guy and that is why women like him. What you think of your weakness can be one of your strengths... But I also agree with what the other people say, you do seem to be a bit of a hater. Chill out and enjoy life...
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A
female
reader, christinajreeves  +, writes (22 October 2009):
That's a pretty shallow general assumption to make about women in this country. However, birds of a feather flock together so if you have a tendency to gravitate toward racist shallow women, you might need to look at your own attitude and views of women. Or maybe you just don't know how to talk to or treat women so you may be making the assumption that women are "rascist" or "shallow" because they simply don't like YOU!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 October 2009):
 Well what can I say? It appears you have already made your mind up about this country! Even though you have lived here a long time you seem to not consider England as your home and your nationality, so why not move back to Japan if you are really that unhappy?
On behalf of all the good, kind English people I would like to say how sorry I am that someone could do such a thing to you (that guy on the bike) - that is not acceptable and he is not a fair representation of English people as a whole. He is an example of an ignorant, prejudiced idiot who has not been brought up very well at all. Unfortunately these people do exist, just as they do in every country in the world. But the key is not to let one isolated racial attack affect the rest of your life.
And just as an observation, I actually have never seen a Japanese (or indeed Chinese for that mater) girl with a white male with the exception of Jensen Button (the F1 driver) with his girlfriend who I think is of Far Eastern origin. But in day to day life when walking down the street, I find that Japanese tend to stick together - all the girls on my uni course had Japanese boyfriends and it was the same for the Chinese, they tend to stick together too. Now I'm not trying to imply that your culture or country is in any way the same as China - but you have to forgive the British for this generalisation because really, your physical appearance is pretty similar. Just as you would not be able to tell a French person apart from a British person I'm sure until they started talking! We mean no offense by grouping you together and we know your cultures are very different, but the rest of the world groups us with the rest of Europe and you dont see us getting upset about it!
I hope for your sake that you can start to enjoy living in England and try and have fun - just start doing things you enjoy, take up new hobbies....live your life. But if you really dont think that is possible then you need to think of your next move - if you hate England that much what are you going to do about it? Be miserable forever or take some steps to change your situation?
You are in charge of your own life. Bad things happen to all of us, they make you stronger as a person. The key is to not let it affect you and continue to try and be the best person you can be, and make the most out of the short time you have on this earth.
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A
male
reader, unlucky_man +, writes (22 October 2009):
unlucky_man is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother reply back, as I seem to have some time on my hands today. When i was walking along a street in London the other day, one guy on a bike was like "Oi Chinese f**k go away", and tried ramming into me. That's nothing is it. Also, as I've lived here longer than I have in Japan throughout the days that the relationship things would have occurred, as well as all my teenage years. Some of the people just called me "asian" as well, that was just so appropriate. I was never treated the same way as anyone anyway, and few friends that I have who are from far east, they don't have girlfriends either. I just can't see this as coincidence. By the way, girls from over there who are here are after people of this country, i.e. a white male. I'm sure you are aware of the existence of these couples flying about. I also do my best in real life to be cheerful and nice, but you can't expect nothing back forever, it's the reason why I wanted to post on here in the first place. I only sound bitter, angry and miserable on here as I'm only writing about the issues that I'm facing. I do what people say, don't look back at the past, look at the future. When I did that nothing changed, and everything I try failed so you know, it's hard to look past it at times. I just didn't want my younger days to be full of misery, that was all! :)
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 October 2009):
Ok so after your follow up, you said that this one girl got pregnant so she could have a house and benefits - so that has absolutely nothing to do with avoiding you then does it! She is just one of the awful individuals I cannot abide here in the UK who think that they can abuse the government so they have babies just so they dont have to work. Unfortunately here in the UK there are a lot of lazy idiots who dont have the desire to work and would rather live off the tax-payers money and deprive vital services like the NHS just so they can get a council house and get paid to have more chav children to run around the council estates terrorising other people. That is a fair observation of people in the UK, whereas calling us all shallow and racist is so far from the truth.
I have never set out with the intention of looking for a Japanese community here in the UK but living in a couple of the big cities in the UK (Birmingham and Manchester) I have observed that there are a fair few Japanese people around. I did my degree in Manchester and I would say around 50% of the people on my course were Japanese. I studied fashion and the Japanese interest in Fashion appears to be quite high, and I would always be amazed at how incredibly stylish the Japanese students were on my course.
You are making it sound like you are the only Japanese man in the whole of the UK and there are no Japanese girls living here at all. I know you dont want to hear this but you are quite over-dramatic. Living in London there will be lots of Japanese people - London is the most ethnically diverse city in the UK, in fact whenever I am down there I find it quite disturbing that English is not the most common language you will hear whilst walking down a street. London has every race and ethnicity you can think of and is one of the most racially tolerant cities in the world - I cannot understand how each time you leave the house you are racially abused? Who is abusing you?
England has been an ethnically diverse country for a long, long time now and racism really isnt prevalent anymore. Yes there are still a few ignorant people who can be horrible - but they are the minority. British people are brought up from a young age in mixed race communities, our schools (state schools anyway) are mostly mixed race - people with a different skin colour is not even an issue to the young people in the UK these days. I find it very hard to believe that as a Japanese person you are constantly encountering racism. This is going to sound a little racist in itself but it is not my personal opinion - the majority of racism in the UK is directed at Asian people (i.e. those from Pakistan, India, Iraq...all the middle eastern countries that are typically Muslim). This is mostly due to terrorism and the lack of understanding of the Muslim culture, and at times a minority of their culture can be quite ignorant to the British way of life and will try and maintain their culture without even trying to adapt to ours.
But as for Japanese people - Japan is the most developed country in the world, you have an incredibly similar culture to ours in the UK so I struggle to find a reason why anyone would be racist towards you? Unless they are a complete ignorant ****(insert appropriate swearword) who would make comments about your skin colour and appearance (which is very rare for women to do as well) then I am struggling to believe that you are being racially abused.
I think you need a good group of friends who you enjoy going out with, you need to find some hobbies you enjoy and start living your life. You are never going to be happy hiding away at home and becoming more bitter about life in general and venting your frustrations at British culture. The reality is that the majority of people in the UK are kind, open and accepting people who are pretty laid back and just enjoy life. You seem to have met some of the worst kinds (the benefits girl in particular - you must have heard the word "chav" thrown around, and she is a perfect example of one! Watch Little Britain if you want a clear example of all the worst characters you will meet in Britain!)
Stop hiding away and enjoy life - there is no point in whining about how bad everything is - life will just pass you by. Women are attracted to confident and happy men, simple. If you are fun to be around and make them laugh then you are half way there. But from the way you write it sounds you are miserable and bitter, that is not the sort of person a girl is going to want to spend time with!
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A
male
reader, unlucky_man +, writes (22 October 2009):
unlucky_man is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI find it funny how people in UK have different answers to those who are outside it, and I think it's quite transparent as to what people think. Typical UK people answer given by one, not even caring where I'm from. What if I was to call them from a country nearby who they are not from? Inconsiderate I think there. Just wanted to add a few things after hearing the answers, so here goes:I have tried pretty much all dating sites, paid and unpaid. I have never had any messages from anyone when i was on there, and when I messaged them, I either had a message saying they are not interested, if any at all. It's funny how it always works the other way round, an asian girl will easily get a boyfriend here. For the suggestion of finding a Japanese community here I'm sure you've not looked. Because there isn't one. Please don't assume that Chinese and Japanese are the same as well. I'm sure you wouldn't wont to be associated with French or Germans being the same as you. For those who said I'm desperate, I'm not. As I'm not looking anymore. I don't even go out anymore, because all I seem to get is racial abuse wherever I go. Also when I did go out, I would do as what other friends would do, maybe better they tell me, but I was always the one who left on my own. Now many years of that happenning, won't do anyone any good. I'm sure you won't understand unless you have been in the same situation. I don't have a negative attitude toward women after all this either, I want to do all I can to whoever, I even went to Scotland twice to see a girl, only to find out that she would never come see me down near London. As with the pregnant thing, it's true. They would have a baby so they can have a house and claim benefits. I know, because one has told me that's why she did it. Also why would they say that they are single, if they are seeing someone? I don't quite get that from some of the answers. Two more things for now, so its not offensive to say nasty things to my face, or make an undesirable expression to me, but thinking that girls here are shallow is? I think that's a lot more mild than what I'm getting. Also, as someone suggested, it has been the same at work, university, and social situations. So it truely has been a loss loss situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): lol unlucky man...I'm not chinese and aint getting any either. It must be nice that you got something to blame. But maybe such a stinking attitude is more likelly than a nationwide conspiracy to deny chinese guys jiggy jiggy.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (21 October 2009):
 I am really sorry you are feeling like this. At my son's school half the boys are Japanese and they are very successful with the girls normally because they are respectful, intelligent and have excellent manners! You just haven't met the right girl yet. You are still very young. You are going to meet a lot of women at Uni, night clubs and at work. Work is the top place for meeting your mate as sadly we spend so much time there. You may not be having much luck at the moment as you are coming across as a bit desperate and this puts prospective girls off. Come across as confident but not arrogant, be humourous and take pride in your appearance. Women also like brainy types and/ or sporty types. If you look too keen that is also a turn off so a bit of general disinterest works well, gets us girls wondering. I think it is just a matter of time.
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female
reader, LethalInjection-x +, writes (21 October 2009):
Firstly, this site isn't just for questions based on existing relationships, it's generally for most topics.
Don't take this as an insult, but I'm going to have to agree with k_c100 in the sense that you do come across as a little desperate. I'd say that this is inevitably going to be obvious to most fo the girls you approach, which could be a huge part of the reason why you're being rejected regularly. You must understand that not everyone is going to like you as a person or find you attractive, seeing as everyone wants something different from a potential boyfriend/girlfriend, but you shouldn't let this put you off or make you feel bad.
I could suggest that you start seeing it as the other person's loss, but sometimes that can lead to false arrogance.
As all the other aunts have said, people DO NOT get pregnant to avoid you, that is simply ridiculous. And as for the comment about girls being in a relationship shortly after you show interest, this could be simply because they were already on the verge of entering a relationship anyway, it mostly likely has nothing to do with you.
I'm sorry you feel so fed up about it all, we all do at times. But it's not the end of the world, and you will find someone eventually. I know what it's like to feel like everyone seems to be fobbing you off, and I know what it feels like to be desperate for someone to spend time with etc, but it's important that you try not to get so worked up. I know from experience that after a considerable amount of rejection, you tend to take whatever you can get, and end up throwing yourself into a relationship that simply would not work, and end up more unhappy than you were in the beginning.
Don't tar everyone with the same brush, it's actually offensive to us girls in the UK to assume we're all shallow and racist. I think you're too hung up on your appearance, a lot of girls go for personality over looks, this is the sort of girl you should be aiming for anyway. No one looks good forever, so someone that is put off by your appearance is someone you shouldn't bother with in the first place.
Lastly, I'm going to suggest you get a/some more hobbies. stop focusing on getting a girlfriend, focus on enjoying your spare time and this could in turn attract attention from girls with similar interests. You may not realise it, but when all you do is try and get a girl.. you might as well be putting up a neon sign above your head saying so, and this is very off putting and can give people the wrong idea.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 October 2009):
I agree with what Satindesire said - no woman will ever get pregnant just to avoid you! These girls that got pregnant - the chances are they are in relationships and are having babies with their partners, or they may of had unprotected sex and these babies are accidental. Either way no woman would get pregnant just to avoid someone - pregnancy is a huge deal and a very serious matter. Avoiding someone would be not returning calls/texts, crossing to the other side of the street if you saw them etc.....not having a baby!
As for girls in the UK - I myself am 22 and have lived in the UK all my life so I will give you an answer based on me and my experience with my friends (who are all also females around my age who were born here in the UK).
I personally am not at all racist and I dont know anyone who I would call racist - skin colour is not a factor to me ever when I meet people.
What I will say as a white female I am not normally physically attracted to Asian men, but this is not to say that if I met an Asian man who I really had a connection with that I wouldnt be attracted to him.
I dont know what type of girls you are going after - are you actively pursuing white females? Have you not thought about dating people of Japanese origin? There is a huge Japanese and Chinese community here in the UK, have you not thought about dating someone from a similar background to you?
As for internet dating - have you thought about trying match.com? Its the biggest dating site here in the UK and you have a profile picture so the people that contact you are initially attracted to you hence they have made the effort to contact you, so being from Japan would be pretty obvious hence not a problem.
As for girls being shallow - I think you are generalising here a bit. Both men and women hold appearance and physical attraction as quite an important element in a potential partner, so we are all the same in that sense. I'm sure you want to date an attractive woman - so why should women be branded "shallow" for wanting to date an attractive man? Just remember that everyone's ideas of what is attractive and what is not attractive differs massively, so yes to some girls they might not find you attractive but for everyone who doesnt find you attractive there will be someone who does.
What I have found when I have been single is that when you are actively looking for a partner you will never find one and get no attention from the opposite sex what so ever. When you are looking you just come across as desperate and it is so obvious you are needy and lonely. But when you "give up" looking so to speak and just forget all about dating, you become more attractive to the opposite sex!
I think you are a little desperate, chasing after the wrong women and have a bad attitude towards women. All these things are what will be putting girls off when they meet you, so you need to work on yourself first before you can think about getting a girlfriend.
And try and relax, you are still young and have your whole future ahead of you. Dont tarnish every person you meet with the same brush just because of a few experiences you have had with a select number of women, otherwise you will become bitter and your dislike for women will become obvious to them when you meet them.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): They sound more like coincidences to me. I dont live in the uk though.If they are county town girls then maybe. But I doubt a girl would get pregnant to avoid you. You do seem to be doing the right thing by talking to the girls and hanging around with them.Just keep going out and having fun with your friends and soon you will have someone to argue with too.All the best
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