A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been together with him for about eight years now. For almost seven of those years I did not know how to have an orgasm through penetration alone because I was a virgin when we met and did not have sexual experience. We had to use my hands or his. For over a year now I can orgasm through penetration alone, but mostly in the on top position, and only rarely in other positions. He has always put a lot of tension in our sex life do to my difficulty with orgasm, blaming it on genital size difference, he is obsessed with the size of his penis, and now he says I STILL make him feel inferior because I can't come penetration-only doggy style. I think he is being a spoiled brat, like he is in other areas of his life. He thinks that I just need to validate his feelings. In addition, he is convinced I have cheated on him in the past, though I did not and he has no proof (he is pathologically jealous). Opinions on this? Are all men this sensitive about genital size and about the woman reaching orgasm easily penetration only? He thinks he's small but according to the internet, his penis size is really average not small, he's like 5.5 inches about, maybe six. And it's probably me that is above average in size down there, not him. But it doesn't prevent him from orgasming, and lately I too now have fairly regular penetration-only orgasms. What gives? Are all men like this or did I just get extremely unlucky to get a men this sexually baggaged?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): @ lonelytwo... I only wish it was as easy as reading a book, if you read my updates, it said we already saw shrinks without success... and also HE's the one who says I don't communicate enough... so the "improve marriage without talking" book... could it help? He dissects everything I say sometimes to only hold it against me later on, interpreted in the worst possible way. In the communication department, he's like a woman, a very jealous irrational woman.I try to be active with my appendages in bed, but often unconsciously stop focused on the sensations I am feeling. That's something I have to keep working on. And he doesn't like the fact that I have to do this consciously that it doesn't come naturally, flowing gracefully, and says it's awkward and choppy when I move my arms and legs on his body. This can be frustrating for me, but I don't think it's too much of him to ask but it's easy for me to cop an attitude about it when he seems spoiled about every other area of life. Like the fact that in the whole time we've been together he's only worked one temp job (which he then accused me convinced that I cheat on him with the old neighbor of ours who got the job for him). The whole time I've been the only one working while he gets money off his grandpa and he tried to get a business running which didn't work. So in net he has wasted money instead of netting one damn red cent. It's frustrating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Well, at this point in our relationship, he DOESN'T want to leave me. He only says he wants to leave me when we get into arguments, which I start a lot these days cause I'm pissed off about having to wait 4.5 years for a lie detector test that may never materialize (the condition I've placed on us being together). I don't want to leave him either. Obviously. He broke up with me for three days almost a year ago and then after he went on a date with an Asian woman in that time (in which he says he didn't have sex), he realized he has a lot more in common with me and that I am a good wife, and wanted me back with the conditions of 1) respecting his jealousy 2) staying positive and 3) losing weight. I was about 135 lbs at the time at 5'8" but had put on about 10-15 lbs and some cellulite since getting together. I'm almost ten pounds lighter now, but the part about staying positive, not bringing up the past and respecting his jealousy (stay close to him at social events, stuff like that, etc) is the other part. I can do stuff like stay close at social events but I find it very difficult to stay positive and not bring up the past since essentially, if I don't get the lie detector test I want in the timeframe --- I'm gone! due to the amount of cr** that he has put me through. So we can get along ok on the surface but inside i'm fuming and distraught, and we can have a good time in bed, but only a good time according to me, because according to him even when its alright/decent he still feels like crap having sex with me because of 1) genital size difference and 2) he's convinced I cheated on him and 3) generally feels like crap about himself in bed with me and is obsessed with the idea of find a tight-vagina'd little Asian girl to marry if we break up.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Op, I think you are focusing on the symptoms more than on the illness itself,so to speak.
Sex problems can be fixed. There are sex therapist. There are books about improving sexual communication and sexual skills. There are hundreds of different things one can try to improve sex ,from new positions, to changes in alimentation, to tantric workshops, etc.etc.
But if you fix the sex part- it's the relationship itself that's still flawed,possibly beyond repair.
You want to leave him, he wants to leave you,..and you have sex 6 times a week. There is something incongruent in this scenario, isn't it ?
Perhaps what you should work on, and seek help for, is finding out what makes you uncapable of leaving a relationship in which you are daily disrespected and mistrusted and psychologically abused, and overcoming your fear of taking responsibility for your happiness.
Btw,OP- but what the heck are you supposed to do with your arm and legs ?....Could you try to tell us ( in a non graphic way ? ) Arms, maybe he means he wants you to hug him , or caress him ... but the legs ?...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): You know another ironic thing about us is that we were both agony aunts on here a few months ago. I reached a seven point something rating and him a high eight or low nine, forget which... goes to show that sometimes the best advice comes from difficult experiences. And that often people cannot follow their own advice. I don't want to reveal what our user names were because I don't remember how much personal info we revealed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Usually we have sex in 3 different positions, me on top, doggy style and me on my side open up my legs and he going in... I come regulary nowadays. I even tell him when I came and if it was good orgasm... if I say it was good he says he doesn't believe me or want to hear it so I've stopped saying it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Yes, he does try to please me in bed. Often. And gets frustrated when it doesn't go smoothly. Like if I'm awkward and we can't get settled into a groove. Sometimes storms out of the room to calm down for a few minutes in the middle of sex. More so in the last few years with the storming out. Which is heartbreaking to me and just puts even more tension on the relationship. He wants picture-perfect sex and puts so much pressure on us, and then gets mad when it doesn't work out. I've never been with anyone else except him, despite the fact that he would bet a ranch that I've cheated on him... so, I don't even have anything to compare it to. I don't even have any girlfriends to compare notes with.
So I would just like to know, how do other people have sex with their partners? And is it really that bad for him having sex with me? Do other couples use one position most of the time or vary it a lot? How often does the man/woman come? How fast do you come? Etc?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 June 2010):
 I just read your response about threatening to dump you for an asian girl "cause they're tighter" you need to dump this (love this term that Marieclaire used) douche canoe. He's clearly arrogant and selfish, this relationship will bring you nothing but pain. He sounds like he's literally living in a porn world. Expects you to come from a good pounding, prefers girls based on race due to their tightness or whatever, and has penis insecurities. You sound like a great person and like you're incredibly giving in bed, find someone who actually appreciates that instead of making you feel like crap. You clearly have a lot to offer, offer it to someone worthwhile.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): 1. This is not a troll post.
2. We have been married for three out of the last 8 years.
3. I am well aware of the fact that I am putting up with way too much from him. Everyone including my mother in law says so. I had a bad childhood (not an excuse) but he was really nice to me in the beginning, so I fell for him very hard. Shoot me.
4. We do have things in common that keep us together.
5. But our sexual/trust issues are destroying what would otherwise be an amazing relationship. Granted I realize that this issue is not just something minor getting in the way of something that would otherwise be good, it IS a giant elephant in the room, something that makes the relationship fundamentally flawed.
6. This might be codependence. I'm not sure.
7. For my part I can be a bitch toward him, but I can tell you for a fact that it is only because of how much he has corroded my love for him. I am not a bitch in my natural state. He has put me through more cr** than the vast majority of self-respecting women would be willing to endure, and the fact that I'm incapable of leaving just yet bothers me about myself just as much as the lengths I've bent backward for him, and the amount of disrespect I've endured from him.
Could someone please indulge me and tell me if most women are active in bed with their hands and legs, or not? I have no freaking clue. He says that whether or not the average woman is like this is not the point, the point is that it is what he likes so I should try to do it. But I'm not a multi tasker and am awkward to try to be using all four of my appendages and having sex all at the same time. I know I'm clutzy, and that is probably a detriment to him having sex with me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Can this be true? You have sex the whole time but the problem is that you are not asian, move your arms and legs wrong and (like most women) can only orgasm in some positions. You've had therapy and he is irrationally convinced that you are cheating but nothing has helped and he refuses whatever the appropriate medical treatment might be. You both want out but can't leave. You have volunteered to take a lie detector to prove that you are faithful but he is so paranoid he would believe you would set it up to pass. So you have given him several years to line up the lie detector test because by then you'll be in your 30s and...??? I am lost. I think you got the answer to your original question though!
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female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (20 June 2010):
This man IS A TOTAL JERK - the comments about you using your body parts not right, asian women, cheating, demands on what you do and keeping your eyes open? What are you his slave? Does he EVER try to just PLEASE U? Or does it ALWAYS have to end in orgasm for both of you?
That messed up - sorry that I sound judmental with this - U deserve so much better and believe me - there are MUCH better lovers out there.
Good luck - I would run out of that relationship as fast as you can - and you have been with him 8 yrs??????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Well even in the years when I couldn't have an orgasm unassisted I was happy with our sex life. I was happy even just with the intimacy of it. Being able to have an orgasm unassisted is a bonus, but only because it makes me finally feel relieved that I am normal. He KNOWS when I have an orgasm because he can feel that my clit is really big, he says. So its ironic, he can believe it every time I have an orgasm and knows I'm not faking it (I never faked it, and never would), but he can't believe it when I tell him I never cheated on him. He had ED problems before me, and had only been with a few women because of it and not as many as he wanted to (apparently with guys, the more women the better? Must be some sort of pride and conquer thing, which I can understand, but please, give me a break!) and I'm the first woman he could have "normal" relations with, but he could never get over the past that haunts him I guess, and every little thing, every bruise I get (and I get many because I have poor circulation, weak veins and am very clutzy), anything at all he can latch on to, he says is circumstantial evidence of me cheating. He knows he also needs to prolly be on some meds, but wont' cause he doesn't want the side effects. It's a messy situation. I loved him to death to begin with, and even after 8 years of infinite amount of cr** that he put me through I still can't do what everyone says I should do which is leave him. He wants to leave me too, but can't. My ultimatum for him now is that he needs to give me a lie detector test and the clock is ticking, he has 4.5 years to give it to me. There are excellent new technology available out there for lie detection. Would cost a few thousand but would be worth it. The only problem is he wants to find a company that I don't know about because if *I* know about it he thinks I'll set it up with the lie detection people. Yeah, he's a bit out there. And I'm a bit out there for putting up with it. It's not like I'm even let myself go... I'm not tip top physical shape but I'm 5'8 and 125-130 lbs, have a college degree, and find it hard to deal not just with him but with the fact that knowing I'm young (28) and so much going for me, why I can't say goodbye. I know why. Because my heart is bigger than what is good for me. But I'm also practical, if he doesn't find that test for me take and prove him I'm faithful, then I'll be gone in 4.5 years. I know it sounds nuts. It's my own way of doing it.
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female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Men are in general sensitive when it comes to sex. That is a good thing. If you're happy, and it sounds like you are, then let him know that he is doing good. You said that you've been able to orgasm on regular basis for the past year. That's a great achievement. Let him know.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Having read this, and four additions from the OP, I'm going to do something I've never done here before:
HE. HAS. *NOTHING.* TO. COMPLAIN. ABOUT.
This guy should be blessing the pavement you walk upon. He has no idea how luck he is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): As far as our sex life, q1605: I give him a blow job everyday, and we have sex every time he wants which is probably like 6 times a week. And these are FACTS.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): We went to therapy. It didn't help. There is nothing that can make him feel ok about us, he said. He believes what he believes about us... and the one doctor that suggested he take meds... he won't take them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): Wow, he sounds really critical. Sex is supposed to be about both of you having a good time not you performing exactly how he wants. It doesn't sound like this can be a lot of fun for you or that your needs are a priority. Is he generally immature and demanding? If this is what your whole relationship is like then I'd consider moving on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): Original poster again. When we get into arguments and talk comes up about us breaking up... he always talks about getting an Asian woman instead of me, because he says they're tighter down there, and that if they're not Americanized they will be traditional and faithful. (What he doesn't seem to see is that he already has someone that is faithful). Are most Asian women smaller down there, and more faithful than American women?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): I'm the original poster. He also is not happy with me in bed because he says I don't touch him the right way I'm not active enough with my arms and legs on his body, and that when I am I am awkward and choppy. How active is the average woman with her arms and legs on the man's body while having sex? Like touching and caressing while moving in and out. Also he is not happy if I close my eyes (afraid I'm thinking of someone else). Is it normal for women to close their eyes while having sex? I just do it because I'm feeling the sensation. Or should I keep my eyes open for him? Ever since he has been adamant about this I've kept my eyes open, but I'm still having trouble getting it right with making the right movements with my arms and legs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): No, all men are not like this and it is unfair that he is blaming you for his insecurities. Your sex life sounds pretty normal and you can't orgasm on demand to make him feel good! In theory the sex issue is fixable, but if he really is pathologically jealous and accusing you of cheating for no reason then your relationship does sound unhealthy. If it is, you can't just ignore the problem - he has to be willing to acknowledge and deal with it.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 June 2010):
Wow sounds like a jerk in bed. Do men understand that the reason women orgasm from sex is due to friction on the clitoris? And that doggie-style hits nowhere near it? The reason you can while on top is you can control exactly how your clitoris is rubbed. Penetration adds something, but without that clitoris friction, most women can't come. Yes some lucky women can come just from having their breasts fondled, but most can't. Most can't even come from sex, you're in a rare 25% that can. That means that not only do you not have difficulty orgasming, you are in the top quarter of orgasmic people and very lucky. You should print him out a diagram of your genitals, point to your clitoris, and say, look this is like your penis. If it's not touched, I can't orgasm. Could you orgasm simply from my rubbing your butt? Thought not. Remind him that he's pretty darn lucky to have a woman who can come from sex at all. I don't know why men seem to think their penis is a giant pleasure wand for women. It feels good, but maybe if more men wouldn't get their sex ed from porn they'd realize proximity to penis doesn't equal orgasm. I mean yes, in porn, women orgasm just from giving blow-jobs. That's not how the world works. A lot of men today who grew up on that are growing up to be terrible lovers. I've seen it, all my friends have seen it. I'm sorry you got one of those. If you can't convince him that you're not cheating and it's not his penis that makes you orgasm, it sounds like you're not having much fun in bed. With all the penis size insecurity and false accusations of cheating you should maybe find yourself a man more secure in himself. Insecurity has ruined many a relationship.
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female
reader, sunnycomet +, writes (19 June 2010):
 Wow...you are in a very unhealthy relationship.
First of all as long as you enjoy sex and are satisfied then there should be no concern.
Second your boyfriend is insecure and has even gone as far as to accuse you of cheating. He does not trust you and without trust a relationship can not survive.
Clearly he is not stable enough to be in a relationship. I suggest two things.
#1 Talk to him and see if he will get some professional help.
#2 Leave and move on
A relationship like this is doomed and the longer you stay the more unhappy you will become!
Good Luck!
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