A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married a while and things were good in the beginning. But I have always been insecure and get jealous and so that made out relationship rocky. He has more single lady friends then he has guy friends and he talks to a couple of theses single frinds everyday. Well about 10 years ago he started working with a female co worker who is single and he talked about her ALOT and seemed jealous when she talked about other guys and when they have gone to a movie together he tells me how he hates it when she talked about other guys when they are together and here he says they are just friends but my guy told me there was more So to be honest I snooped on his phone and his journal and confessed after I found out what he said his feelings and love for this woman. He doesn't work with her as much anymore but the do go to a movie now an then and he talks I her everyday and knows Alot about her. They way he talked about her in his journal sounds like he wants her but he is stuck with me and shw doesn't love him like he loves her. So needless to say he doesn't trust me about not snooping and I get it and understand I hurt him and well I hurt and scared my self bad also. I am working on not snooping going to counseling for me to make myself stronger in all sense of the word But how can I show him he can trust me. He had a journal again and I didn't look and I saw it and asked. " good I'm glad your are journaling again" he says " no I just use that ad notes to myself i journal in my phone". I said " oh ok thats good. I havent looked in your journal just so U know , you still don't trust me?•. He responds with " ok ... You hurt me pretty bad when u did that". How can I or how do I prove he can trust me? Is there something I can say or do? I see it as he is going to put in the same crap and my gut knows why look and verify I'm right. It hurt to much the last time why the heck would I do it again Should I tell him that? We are working on being friends again and then work on our marriage and you can't have friendship without trust and I want that back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): It's never a good thing when a man falls in love with someone outside his marriage. Please do not put up with his disrespectful behavior anymore. You deserve better!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): Oh my gosh, dump this jerk.
DO NOT feel guilty for snooping! You had every right to do so. He is in love with someone else and the only reason he's acting angry about it, is because you caught him red handed.
If he doesn't appreciate you, go find someone else who will.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 YOU hurt him????
he's cheating on you and YOU HURT HIM?
let me tell you something about this woman and "your man"
IF she felt the same way about him as he feels about her he would have left you in the dust for her....
you want HIM to trust YOU....
DO YOU TRUST HIM? if you do why would you...
I suggest that you do two things.
1. get a counselor/therapist and work through your feelings about him and figure out why you are ok being treated like this.... you thinking the problem lies with you tells me you have no self-esteem... GET SOME and then you will be ready for step two
2. GET a lawyer... find out what you need to do to protect yourself... and start considering leaving...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): I agree with both aunts post ... Come on girl where is your self esteem .. He will keep treating you like dirt because you keep allowing him to treat you like dirt.Go out with a male colleague and come home and gush to him what's he look the colour of his eyes his smile his laugh etc even makeup the shite . I wouldn't normal advise this but for god sake he deserve it. Do this for a While.. Anything he says interrupt him and say ooe John doesn't like that or does this instead keep up the facade see him dimple cheeks likes it..You have nothing nothing to feel guilty about, you snooped because you knew he was lying and then you got the proof that you needed . He doesn't love you, he's using you until something better comes along.No matter how much you love him, you need to first make him squirm and then two get out . Think of yourself not your donkey ass of a liar ( can't even call him a husband) Take care sweetie chin up be strong.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 February 2013):
 WHAT?!???!
He's cheating on you at least emotionally. I would bet that there has also been stuff in the past, but he's successfully cowed you into being more afraid of his reaction to your "snooping" than for you to actually confront him.
You need to bust his balls, because you didn't really "hurt" him. That's bullshit city, and he's the mayor of it.
Seriously. This guy is a lying, cheating dog, and you're the kick ball he's been taking advantage of, and your marriage is broken. Time to take action. If he won't see a counselor with you, then you need to see a lawyer and throw this guy out into the cold.
He is a cheater, and I suspect that you focusing on snooping is your way of being in denial and wanting to avoid the ride he's taking you on.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Erm well I wouldnt be worrying about how he can trust you again, I would be more worried about how can you trust him again!
HE WAS/IS IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. That is WAY more important than your snooping! You had every right to snoop, and your snooping proved you right - he was in love with someone else. Ok so snooping is not great, but then again going to the cinema as a couple with another woman is DEFINITELY not great.
If I found out that my husband loved another woman and was only with me because he felt 'stuck' with me, I'd have dumped his sorry ass and never looked back. He should try being 'stuck' on his own, lonely and miserable!
I think you have some real self esteem issues if you feel you are in the wrong here, he has done a lot worse than what you have done and you shouldnt be beating yourself up for snooping.
I dont really know what to suggest - I think your husband has a lot to answer for yet you are not holding him responsible for anything. Yes you are an insecure person, but you had good reason to be insecure because of his behaviour, and you will never get over your insecurities if he carries on acting like this.
In my opinion this marriage is beyond repair, any person that is claiming to be 'stuck' with their partner clearly is unhappy in the marriage and doesnt love their partner anymore. So you either end it, or get couples counselling - and he never sees or speaks to this woman ever again. He cannot keep going on 'dates' to the cinema with her when he has feelings for her, regardless of how she feels about him. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones, often they are even worse because a lot of people could forgive a drunken one night stand, whereas knowing the person you love has fallen in love with someone else is far more hurtful.
Think about this carefully, but FYI - you deserve a lot better and your husband is massively to blame in this, most of this is not your fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): I'd be telling your "loving" husband that it is either her or me.I would never allow them to go to a movie together. YOU and him should be going to the movies together. And, it's been 10 YEARS since they have been involved? He journals he loves her. EXCUSE ME?? I'd be having a sh*t fit over all of this and raising holy h*ll. You need to get a backbone and tell this guy off.You need to get checked for STD. You know he has probably had sex with her. He has had a thing for her for 10 years. My Gosh!He has no respect for you whatsoever.No, no, no! I'd be seeing a divorce lawyer. You can do so much better than this. Time to face the hard truth.
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A
female
reader, loner35 +, writes (14 February 2013):
Honey seems to me he really is mad because you caught him. He trying pull reverse psychology on you. And what business does your man have at the movies. With another women and you not invited. A lot of men have lady friends but they are also boundaries. And you wouldn't be snooping. Anyway you already have a gut feeling.
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