A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I move around a lot because of my work. We have been together for 18 years (married for 15). We both wear rings. And please understand that I am not writing this to brag, I have never been chased by ladies, I would really appreciate some input on European/French ways :) Ever since we moved to France-Paris a year ago, I've been "under attack". My wife jokes about it, but it's weird. At the office, I mostly work wih female colleagues,some of them are married/in a relationshp some are not, but they all know how devoted I am to my wife. This doesn't stop some of them from making ambiguous comments or asking for my help with stupid things. Once I had to give a ride to one of them and she bluntly asked me if wanted to come up for a drink and a bit of fun. And she wasn't joking! I can't be relaxed and normal. I started acting aloof and that is not my nature :(I go to the gym and pool on regular basis, (I used to compete in swimming but that's history). Once while I was taking a shower in a mixed section a young woman grabbed my ass!!! When I turned around she just smiled and said "Pardon", standing here waiting to see what I would do. I pictured myself calling security and being laughed at. Only last week while I was jogging a girl came up to me and struck up a conversation about running (just to paint the picture: it was night and I was running in the forest I could have been a psycho killer!) and then she did everything she could to prolong it. I mean I would never ever approach anybody like that (man or woman) and start asking about running! It turned out that she was in the same line of business as my wife (I started mentioning my wife straight away), so she asked for my phone (if it makes any sense) ... I gave her my wife's business phone. Needles to say she never called.I mean... WTF?!My wife on the other hand was pretty much left alone, until she damaged her weeding ring and it took us forever to repair it. So, for a while she went ringless. Again, this is not a bragging post. I love her, but she's no model. She's healthy and fit. The only "problem" could be that she looks ten years younger (genetics). She was approached by younger men on subway, sometimes even at restaurants or cafés when she was alone reading. Once she had to see a dentist while we went on a vacation and he started asking her (in a non-doctorly way) about her marital status and if she came to the seaside alone... I mean it was nothing unpleasant, but as I said it's weird. Not to mention our new neighbour who kept finding excuses to visit when I wasn't home until she bluntly put a stop to it. We kept joking that women chase men married or not, while men prefer single ladies here ;)Has anybody had a similar experience? Our friends tell us to enjoy the attention while it lasts... well what if that type of attention is unwanted?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2016):
 It's hard to answer you . Europe is extremely diversified in everything , from food to politics to drinking habits etc.etc.
A 3 hour car trip may plunge you into a different world even within the same country, so go figure.
Widely generalizing, though , yes, particularly in some countries like France, Spain, Italy ( ... but reserved Brits too are no joke once they have a couple of pints in them ),people , women included , are unabashedly ,actively, assertively flirtatious , and the boundaries may be different from what you are used to . Although it seems to me that you have been particularly unlucky ( or lucky according to the points of views ) in your run-ins with the locals . The French butt grabbing gym girl verges more toward sexual offender than toward charming sexual go-getter, and so far I have never seen, or heard of, anything similar.
So in part it's sort of a special karma of yours :) which puts you in touch with the friskiest of the French females , and in part , I think, it's a cultural thing . It takes a long long while, even if you speak the local language well, to get all the subtle nuances of a foreign country's social mores, including the sexual ones. There's ample space for misperceptions and misunderstandings until you sort of crack the code and "own " the body language, the inside jokes,the traditions and habits.
Example : OF COURSE the dentist asked your wife
" personal " questions. It's part of bedside manners in Southern Europe , a way to make you relax and feel at ease by making small talk. Here the dry, strictly professional approach would leave any medical practice out of business real fast. Plus, asking about marital status , how many kids you have, how long you have been married etc. is not considered particularly
" personal "- it's just normal conversation.
Or : the girl who approached you about running. Well, she used running as an excuse to hit on you, - regardless , approaching a ( non intimidating , sane looking ) stranger to get info or his opinion about something may be unusual in your country, but it's perfectly normal and acceptable in mine . What 's so strange about it ? You see someone riding a new bycicle, you buttonhole him / her ( if they let you ) about cycling . You see someone walking a poodle, you buttonhole them about poodles. You are curious about something- you ask, you don't need a presentation letter from your Embassy. Asking is always allowed, and answering is always optional.
Of course at times you fake an interest for poodles when you are instead just into the poodle walker, but.. all is fair in war and love. Everywhere :).
As for being at night and in a forest, I'd would bet it's another " local " thing you aren't quite aware of yet. Either this girl was a totally idiotic , irresponsible airhead ( we can't exclude it ) , otherwise she was simply a local that " owns " her territory and knows exactly what's reasonably safe to do , where and when.
Like, I don't know if you have ever been in New York ? there's stuff that you do and say and wear up to 96th Street, but it's not as totally risk-free or appropriate in 97 th . One block or two MAY make a difference . Or , say, in Venice , California ? In certain hours and locations you can safely take a kindergarten class to have their school picnic- one hour later, or 100 yards further, it's gangs' battleground.
The same goes for European big cities. A foreigner arrives to Rome or London or Paris and he sees one big city, while in fact there are 100 microcosms inside the macrocosm, and chances are that a local knows well just how to move inside each of them.
Another thing might be the bawdy atmosphere in your office. I don't know in Paris, but if you were in Italy... you should not take it so seriously or feel so threatened or offended. It's a game. A passtime. A habit. Maybe Anglo business place are more formal and professional as a rule , but here the flirty banter would not mean much, and it would not mean ( with occasional exceptions, of course ) that they mean business and want a piece of you. ( Office ) girls just want to have fun . And what better chance than the one offered by a good looking, foreign, proper, and easily embarassable new colleague with a cute accent :).
Has anybody had a similar experience... ? Echoing Tisha : hahahahaha ! Yes. In 4 continents. ( I have never been to Australia or New Zealand, so maybe " down under " it would not happen . I can't say ). The most memorable was in Bangkok , when a PatPong FEMALE pole dancer followed me to the restrooms , and tried to convince me , in broken English, to have some fun there and then : " You cute. No money for you . I give you for free ! " .
What if the attention is unwanted ? Well, in theory any attention is unwanted unless I signal I want attention and I give you a big huge green light , by flashing come hitherish smiles at you or staring at you intently or licking my lips like the Big Bad Wolf who's seen a piglet , or something. In practice , I am a good sport in that, I don't take this sort of things too personally. I mean, suppose I am sitting alone at a sidewalk cafe just enjoying a bit of people watching and a good cappuccino- how do you know if I am a woman just enjoying her cappuccino, or a shy lady who'd love some company and romance but, contrariously to your French acquaintances , won't make the first move ?...
Like I said, asking is always allowed and answering is always optional.
I can't get too mad at people just for tryng their luck, nor , indeed, for finding me attractive or desirable : I suppose I belong to the " enjoy it till it lasts " school of thought. So, as long as they are good sports too and get the hint that thanks but no thanks and they should get lost pronto, no harm done .
Some times it may gets more annoying , they insist too much, they won't let go- and then it is when one has to bare one's teeth , metaphorically speaking, and not in a come hiterish smile, - one has got to be blunt, assertive, mean- and / or threaten to call HR or security or a cop , according to the circumstances. But I doubt that in your case it will get to this point . I think you can relax, take the attention as a compliment- it IS a complimet- and if it gets to be too much , just say " Thanks but I am not interested ". That's all.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2016): I am the OP.Thank you for all your replies!I know that women have much more problems in this department than men. And I know that men are more agressive and dangerous. The problems I have are nothing compared to that (my friend (woman) was in a church, waiting in line when an older man grabbed her butt!). The only difference is I would be ridiculed if I were to say something. When I politely refused the offer for a drink and a bit of fun, my colleague was cool about it, but I bet that she would put on a show "Who do you think you are?" if I had told her, in that context (otherwise I keep repeating and showing it every single day) that I adore my wife and don't go behind her back.I was hoping it would pass by now, I am no longer a novelty. Anyway, if you plan on visiting France, most notably Paris, prepare to be stunned...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 May 2016):
 Does your company have an HR department? If so go talk to them and ask how you best nip this in the bud.
And whether you are a guy or a girl, unwanted advances are never pleasant. Maybe you need to spell it out EVERY time? At least till they stop? I don't know... doesn't always work for women, but worth a try?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2016):
 Are you asking a panel that includes women if any of us have ever experienced unwanted sexual advances?
Hahahahaha! Oh my goodness. Oh dear. O me o my o. The irony is rich here....
Of course we’ve been approached inappropriately. We learn to fend them off, sometimes it’s a cultural problem, when traveling. Sometimes there are just men who can’t take no for an answer. Sometimes they are people we work with and we just have to be blunt and perfectly clear. Sometimes we need to shout in the dude’s face “GO AWAY!”
What if that type of attention is unwanted, you ask. Well, you learn the culture of wherever it is you find yourself, be it in a lawyer’s office in America or on holiday in France or working in an art gallery in Australia. Assess your interactions, perhaps there are some things you can tweak about your appearance, body language and conversation to avert unwanted “passes.” Or just laugh and say, ‘no thanks, I’m happily married and we don’t stray.’ If you do that enough at work, word will go around that you are off limits for real.
Not to diminish your astonishment and outrage, those 3 interactions you cite are fairly tame compared to some of the things most women have experienced over their lifetime. Perhaps it’ll take more men like you to become awakened to this phenomenon and there can be more conversations about what is and isn’t appropriate....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2016): I am the OP.
Thank you HoneyPie for your reply.
They are liberal, but unfortunately I don't see it as liberating but somewhat desperate behavior.
I mean we can joke all we want about it, but it's unpleasant. I even had a feeling at work that some of my female colleagues get more and more pushy the more I become distant.
And thank for a lovely thought that I have a "cute accent". My French is awful :)
My wife has no problems dealing with these situations because, women are more used to being approached by men. We on the other hand, or at least I, are not used to women being that, well, aggressive for the lack of a better word.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 May 2016):
I think that France is VERY liberal when it comes to, extra marital affairs etc. In many countries being a mistress is looked down upon (as a lack of moral character) where as in France? Not so much.
It might also be that you have a LOVELY accent, or an open and friendly personality or that you are a LITTLE clueless to French woman. Whee as your wife? Seems to have no problem shutting things down before they cross a line.
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