A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Do we not see those that are alone and may need a new friend? are we so suspicious of someone making small talk or being friendly, say when we meet them, that we ignore them for our own friends? or our own lives, family etc etc. Many ppl have busy lives but everyone needs friends, good friends. Sure, some people are creepy and try too hard and may be odd but not everyone is like this, some people just want to meet new people. we are all so busy with work, existing friends, family, hobbies and social media that we have forgotten that some ppl need friends, how is any adult supposed to make friends now days when they are never given a chance? social media is great but... also has a lot to answer for. are we so cut off as people now? thankyou Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): "Do we not see those that are alone and may need a new friend?"
We see them, we just don't care about them. I'm mid-30's I've no interest in having you as a friend, I don't need anymore of them. I've spent years of betrayal, incompatibility, lives changing direction, different beliefs and morals etc. paring down my friends into a select bunch of people who will always be there for me and I have history with. It's nothing personal, OP but unless we have a shared task (studying together, sitting on a bus on a long trip, following the same football team in the pub) then I have interest in you whatsoever, you're of no use to me in life.
"are we so suspicious of someone making small talk or being friendly, say when we meet them, that we ignore them for our own friends?"
No, in the right mood I'll small talk with anyone. Shit when I'm drunk I make all sorts of friends, give me some MDMA and I'll even make promises of being friends forever and stuff too. Makes no difference to me, I'm not suspicious of anyone in that regard. I just have no need of extra friends and no real will to put time and effort into creating a new friendship. I have made lots of new friends through work and college in recent years so it's not like I'm not open to the possibility but as I said it's a shared task/experience thing. I've come to rely on those people and they me through doing assignments together or working together and we build up a history that way through common cause. I've also met plenty of acquaintances who are lovely people and we helped each other with stuff that just never got any closer than that.
"how is any adult supposed to make friends now days when they are never given a chance?"
Adults are given plenty of chances, and social media actually makes it easier to make friends.
I've met three people on twitter for example that share my love of a football team and we've met up a few times and gone to matches together and they live in a different country to me too.
You see, OP, I have enough friends, I don't need anymore yet still it keeps growing, some people I've drifted apart from too. Most of us at this age have our core social group locked down, the rest then come as a part of being useful in a person's life. Because just like dating, OP, you have to have a use to someone for them to want to start spending time with you. To study together, or give that person a lift to your martial arts class, or your book club.
OP find a social hobby, or you can volunteer for one of those charities that helps elderly people who have no family and are on their own.
If I found it hard to make friends I'd volunteer in a soup kitchen or with elderly people, we have charities here that have people who will call in to their elderly neighbours for tea and biscuits, a chat, to help with shopping etc. You'd be amazed how easy it make friends when you've already got some, even if it is through a charity.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): Friends are not all they are cracked up to be, the fair weather ones, the ones that drop you ,the ones you constantly have to phone because they never bother,the friends who gossip behind your back, the one's that you lend money to and they never attempt to pay back then have the cheek to blame you for lending them the money in the first place. I would think expecting too much from people/friends, can leave you open to dissapointment in the friendship department.I had many good friends? don't know where they are now, but we had a good time while it lasted. I had countless aquaintances some who I still say hello too. Yet should I need 20 bucks They would tell me to get stuffed and a spare bed for the night, I very much doubt. All WITHOUT social media and I don't think this is a good friendship market anyway. Sure you can communicate and tell each other your cooking beans and chips tonight, but it's pretty shallow and shared with ANYONE. 'Anyone' is not friend material. True Friendships the one's that last a lifetime, develop naturally and usually over a period of time, and or through a shared experience creating a special bond. These true friendships are rare but do exist.I had to accept that most friends/People, just drift away, move on, grow up, Fall out and sulk, or were just not very nice(myself included). Today as a grown woman I am friendless :) through choice and because I obviously irk people and my refusal to be drawn into the illusion of I have over 200 friends on face book ,and because I got so pissed when I used to get let down by my 'one for all, and all for one' friends. My childlike Ideal of the little musketeer's who make promises to be friends forever with loyal hearts full of adventure now don't want to play anymore. I don't understand friendship anymore because I don't understand people anymore, all I know is better not to 'expect' or 'need' and just be you in your world and if friendships develop, that's great.As a friendless person, I still don't feel the need to PUSH for friendship, however If a someone was pushing me for friendship, I would give with open heart and see which way the dice fell, probably not in my favour LOL, but that's life....keep smiling, laughing and loving and dreaming as CC say's.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (30 March 2014):
 OP, have you tried meetup.com? If you live in a reasonably populated area, there should be some groups to suit you. People there are usually looking to make new friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 March 2014):
 Oh no , OP, why would you feel you are a complete loser ? the fact that some people aren't interestED in knowing you and befriending you does not mean that you are not interestING. It does not say something about you, it says more something about them- like , that they are too busy and overworked to socialize, maybe, or that they are self -contained and not outgoing types , or that they feel you don't have enough in common to get closer, etc. etc. there may be various reasons , but why necessarily the reason should be that there's something wrong with you ?..
Part of these things are so situational, too.
Like, when my son was a young child I would take him to the playground and strike up instant friendships , or at least have nice chats, with other young mothers with young kids.
Now , you could not pay me enough money to make me spend an hour with a young mom and her little ones , and talk about measles, potty training or preschools. Because, I am not interested , it has got nothing to do with how my life is NOW. That would not mean that the moms were boring or dumb or not good enough AS PERSONS.
I think, btw, that if you want to make it easier for yourself , may be you should try to approach like minded persons starting from common interests you might have ( at least, it always worked for me ). Say, if you are an avid reader join a reading group, or if you like to knit, a knotting group etc. etc. Do the stuff that you'd love doing anyway on your own - only with other people. Sure , at first the conversation may be formal, limited to the new book or the best knitting needles, but in time, sort of inevitably , these things tend to develop in a more social, personal direction as people get more comfortable with each other . Plus, you have the chance to show who you are , and your points of strength ( a wicked sense of humour, an endearing kindness, a specific competence about something etc.etc. ) in time, naturally- without the worry of having to make an instant great first impression on a total stranger .
Keep working at your "dream ", it's far from an impossible dream, it just may take to same people more time, patience and persistence ( since much of it may also depend from circumstances, and not from your personality ).
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 March 2014):
 My experience is most people have formed their 'clique' of friends and are suspicious of newcomers.
I don't add new people to FB, I use that to chat to people I know well or to see what's on in my area.
Personally I prefer animals, dogs especially, to people, apart from my own family and long standing friends, as I have found if I can't offer something they need, most folk don't want to expand their circle.
I have lots of acquaintances, people who enjoy the same outside interests, colleagues at work,neighbours - but that's as far as it goes.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): this is the posterof course ppl can choose whether or not to meet new ppl, and meet new friends!!I am not saying anyone is heartless or selfish!!!But when a person is of normal mind and intelligence, presents and acts nornally and is friendly and tries to getout there, but is cut down and ignored, and dismissed, of course they feel like a complete loser, like they are not good enough for anyone.Of course ppl are busy and like the security of their fship and social groups. ppl cannot even try to meet new friends as we have " enough" already? where does this leave those ppl, men and women of all ages that are average normal ppl but dont have this luxury?we are so impersonal now and facebook,twitter etc great as they are are no help.of course ill try and try and try, and get no and no and no but guess what? im a good person too, so ill keep trying, one day i may meet someone who isnt rude and may need a friend. At least thats the dream..
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 March 2014):
I don't want to sound unfriendly :) , but...I think you are forgetting that not ALL adults necessarily want or need to make new friends,or SHOULD want that. Whether they are loners by nature, or they are too busy with their life , work and family for them to be reasonable to take on more, or simply that they are happy with their social circle and do not wish to expand it. While it is surely a very nice quality to have a warm heart and the wish / time / capability to allow always more and more people in your circle, we can't make these things mandatory by law, and it also does not mean that those who choose not to cultivate new social contacts are necessarily heartless and selfish and inhumane; they simply have a different level of need for socializing.
So, I think it's up to the person who feels lonely , or just wants to be more social / meet new people, make any reasonable attempt to achieve this, and thereby " put herself out there " whenever that's possible. Without sulking though, or feeling bitter or angry or upset when her attempts do not meet immediate success . Just keep tryng, until you find someone who wants the same as you.
...............................
|
