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*aseyJones
writes: I can't trust my girlfriend #1 and I'm way jealous of her #2!Here's the deal.. I met a BEAUTIFUL girl, 10 out of 10, in the looks category. She's fun to be with, she tells me she loves me and I believe her, and we've been together since October and she has bought me the most thoughtful Christmas and birthday gifts anyone ever has (and i've been in a lot of relationships, the longest lasting 3 years...)In any case, I keep catching her being dishonest with me and it's driving me insane. She just omits certain parts of a story. I know there are these guys who like her, I know they've tried to kiss her.. etc. Anyway, she keeps saying she hasn't kissed them and so I dropped it months ago. She tells me she doesn't talk to them, but then I found out that she does and it's really got me upset. I get the "we're just friends" "why can't I be with my friends" lines....Anyway... I'm way jealous of the fact that I know everyone she meets wants to sleep with her. So I keep trying to raise the issue that I don't feel comfortable with her being around guys who i KNOW!! want to sleep with her. So now she just does what she wants and lies to me. And it's gotten to the point where I've honestly become obsessive in a seriously creepy way like I never have with any other girl AND I WANT TO STOP!I check her myspace, her e-mail, I have access to her phone bills on-line. I have no "proof" of anything so I'm inclined to believe she isn't cheating on me, but I'm still so insecure that she can't be honest with me.Can somebody please help me out with talking to her about it? What can I say to try and get the answers that are truthful? How can I make her understand that I'm developing a stalker-like problem and if she would only be honest with me I could stop? I'm real afraid once she finds out what I've been doing that she'll never forgive me regardless of the fact that this is the first and only time I've ever deceived her.Ugh, this is a mess. Help a guy out!PS. I've never posted on one of these things before but I'm getting desperate
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 March 2006):
 Miss bunbury is mostly right, especially about the stalker part. You're going to drive yourself crazy. I understand how this situation makes you nervous. It could explode on you someday too. You could be right about everything. If that happens, then your relationship wasn't meant to be. The important thing to know is, you CAN'T control people. If your girlfriend is geared to be this way, then she might not be the girl for you. If that's it, that's the way it is. If she goes for one of these guys, then she has decided to do so. That means she values the chance to explore options, more than your feelings. This doesn't make her bad but it makes he less certain about your relationship, than you are.
You will push her away. The only thing I can say is that if these guys are just friends, there should be no problem with you hanging out in the group too. You can't go in there though and act like a jerk. She'll pick up on it right away and be angry. The morre you try to corner your girlfriend, the more she will resent it.
A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (14 March 2006):
 Seriously, who CARES if she enjoys the attention? As long as she's not DOING anything, she's behaving perfectly well. I'll be honest with you Casey, I think you're heading down the wrong path. This is your problem, not hers, and you need to find a way of dealing with the fact that this girl has other male friends. The reason she lies about it is because she knows how paranoid you are (I really think you're extremely paranoid; it's not right that you're checking up on her so much) and she doesn't want the stress of having to describe every little detail of a morning coffee. Now, these men you're complaining about have all known your girlfriend, as I understand it, for nearly as long as you have yourself - so why should she have to choose between you and them? If you keep obsessing over this, you're going to drive her away - you've been with her for hardly any time at all, and you're already displaying extremely possessive behaviour, which as far as I can see is only going to create an issue where there should be none. You talk about 'her giving them the OPPORTUNITY', but from her point of view she probably doesn't even think about the fact that they used to like her - she's already made it clear to them that she's with someone, so now they're just friends. You say you trust her "because of my stalker actions", but you clearly don't actually trust her at all. You're getting hung up on lies that you've forced her into telling. I think for me, the most revealing part of everything you've written is this bit: "she's lying about it because she is not going to stop hanging out with these guys. And the fact that I know she is going out with guys who have out-right told her (and tried to kiss her) that they are really interested in her drives me mad" - so, it's not trust, it's jealousy. If you're not going to change your behaviour, this relationship won't last. Think about that.
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male
reader, CaseyJones +, writes (14 March 2006):
CaseyJones is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie. You've hit the nail on the head.
The guys tried to kiss her early in our relationship, asI am assuming she was leading them on and/or flirting with them while things were less serious between me and her. And I'm OKAY with that. There was no commitment at that point, and you bet I was flirting with other girls at that point as well. However, this was 4 or 5 months ago.
As for age, I am 23 and she is 20. Here's the thing, when I first told her I had a crush on her she told me "that's not a very good idea." Months later I brought this up again (we were drunk when she said that... so i didn't question it at the time) and asking if she still thought it wasn't a good idea. she told me she felt now that starting a relationship with me was a very good idea. But, she had made the comment because she liked me and didn't want to see me get hurt. She told me that she sees herself as "sadistic" because she "leads guys on and never lets them get what they want to the point where it hurts them" and she likes this. Now, here's the thing. She's never deliberately done this to me. In fact,I have a very busy work schedule and she drives to see me and spend the night 5 out of the 7 nigths of the week. We talk every night. So, I know more or less that she's commited to me and I know more or less what she is doing with her days. IT's just the little free time she does have she spends with these guys. And they occasionally post flirty myspace messages back and forth. And I understand a lot of this is to get me jealous (...remember,I'm stalking and reading e-mails etc. So i know that some of this is to get me jealous because she feels like i'm gettingattention from other girls. i've read this... but the difference is I'm not seeing thesegirls orasking for the attention, i'm just getting it and taking it with a smile. but to a far lesser degree of reciprocity than she is with her guys).
Anyway, she told me she knows these guys like her,and still like her. I honestly DON'T KNOW how forcefully they are in persuing her. But, everytime i look at her computer it's always cutesy IMs from these guys "hey nerdy, whacha up to?" "hey punky punk, where've you been" and things like that. so they obviously talk and it's obviously cute because she's open about that. leftone guy a message on myspace that said "i still owe you a birfday present..." and she always makes those little faces after comments like ":-PP" and whatever.
Okay, this is getting long. but I really just think she likes the attention in the end. And ultimately I think that she likes to see my reaction. I just don't understand why she needs to go to the lengths she does to make me feel the jealousy. she said to me "see, this is why i always think this relationship is DOOMED... you can't trust me" and then you know later that night she's telling me she'll never leave me, blah blah blah. she just takes the making me jealous thing way to far and then flips out when I call her out on it.
Thanks for the great post,eddie. I think I have something to say to her now. PS. we had a great weekend soI didn't bring anything up. I'm going to wait for her to get caught omitting a detail beforeI make my next move which will basically reiterate the thoughts you posted regarding this situation because I am in agreement with you overwhelmingly.
if anyone else can offer up some suggestions,i'd love to hear them. thanks so much everyone for all the help!
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (11 March 2006):
OK, let's see. How old are you guys? It seems to me she is playing games.
When was it these guys tried to kiss her.
Was it before you?
If it wasn't before you, why was she so close, I mean face to face, that they could attempt a kiss?
What happened after that?
Are the guys still saying they want more from her?
If the guys are making it clear they still want more from her, they are not respecting her relationship with you. She is also disrespecting the relationship. By socializing with these guys, she's putting their feelings first. I tend to think, once the genie is out of the bottle, it's out. If the guy was atracted to her before, he probably still is. You know guys. They will be nice and pretend to be just "friends" but given the chance, look out.
She knows that too. I suspect she likes the attention. It sounds like she's playing games. If she knows she'd never cheat, she can just carry on as if she were naive. She's not.
You have every right to meet them. Why not. Be cool about it though. If they are truly just pals, why shouldn't you meet them. What is there to hide?
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reader, CaseyJones +, writes (11 March 2006):
CaseyJones is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you eddie.We've been dating since the end of October and she has met all of my friends. I've brought her to New York City to meet friends of mine, we always see my friends when we visit college, etc. The only time she sees these guys are when I'm not around. I don't want to say "hey I should meet these guys" because i've already made my standpoint clear that I don't like them. It would not be a good idea because I recently got a DUI and as a result, I'm on probation for another 5 months. A fistfight would put me in jail for six months.In any case, I'm going to see her tonight and tomorrow. I really would like to state my case, but I feel like I already have and that bringing it up again will just make me "riciculous" because "we've already discussed this." the problem with these guys is that she has been leading them on since before she met me. but my problem is they are still pursuing her regardless of the fact that she is not single, and hasn't been (i was waiting for this to phase out initially because i understand everyone needs a little bit of time to adjust their life when entering a new relationship).Also, an update on the stalker issues, there is a guy on her myspace who she has never met before (i know, i've read the mails). She was talking about a post he made on her page (and i know this guy from school, he's a few years older than me and i'm a few years older than her, so i don't understand how she would have met him anyway since they don't live near each other). Regardless, I KNOW from my stalker creep actions that he just sent her a message saying her thinks she is hot, she should come to parties with him sometime, etc. SO i thought asking "hey, how do you know this guy" wasn't out of line.Her answer was "well he lives here" and i said, "okay... so what? you don't live anywhere close to there." she pauses and goes "yeah, but... i have friends that do. and i know him through some friends." so I reply "that was really vague" and all she had to say was "yeah.. whatever." This is the day after we made a DEAL! (yeah we made a deal) that she was just going to tell me the truth (because i confronted her about omitting things). The deal was that if I stop attacking her passive aggressively about the 3 guys who I have a problem with, she'll tell me what she does with guys (this guy I'm just referring to is not one of the major guys in question). But hell, we JUST made a deal and then she lied to me again. Just wanted to give the people who are interested an update. Any other suggestions for me PLEASE post. I'll check my e-mail at some point tonight and take a quick glance at the page. I'll be sure to let everyone know how this weekend goes with her.Once again, I really appreciate the help.
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reader, eddie +, writes (11 March 2006):
I'll revise my prvious reply. After reading your update, she's out of line. It seems she likes the attention from these guys and is putting herself in the line of fore. She might never go past that point but she is leading these guys on. They made their intentions clear to her. She knows what they'd like. Although the guys will do and say anything to stay in her good grace, they probably do have other motives. Those are not the type of pals any man would like his lady to hang out with.
You hae reason to be jealous here. She should know better. Everybody likes a little attention from the opposite sex but she is sucking it up like a sponge. She's being unfair. Why doesn't she invite you to coffee with her and the guys, if their just friends. That would make sense to me.
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male
reader, CaseyJones +, writes (11 March 2006):
CaseyJones is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey everyone. thanks a lot for taking the time to consider my problem. it means a lot to me that people who do not even know me care to consider my problems.
the thing is.. my problem is not that men find her attractive. and perhaps i worded my original question poorly, which would be my fault.
my problem is that there are 2 or 3 guys who SHE has told me have confessed their love to her. and she keeps them around. i don't understand why she does not understand that i feel insecure because she is going to bars or out to get coffee ALONE with guys who she knows are interested. i feel like she is giving them the OPPORTUNITY they are looking for. and when I confront her on it, I'm "ridiculous" because "you should trust me." And i do. because of my stalker actions, I know she IS NOT cheating on me (and yes, I know this is wrong). but, i don't understand why she lies about it. and she's lying about it because she is not going to stop hanging out with these guys. And the fact that I know she is going out with guys who have out-right told her (and tried to kiss her) that they are really interested in her drives me mad.
from my viewpoint, if there was a girl who told me she wanted to date me and even tried to kiss me, I would BE HONEST with my girlfriend. and I wouldn't see her, regardless of the role she plays in my life, because to me, my lady's feeling are more important than whatever it if I might gain in keeping the company of those looking to take me away from my girlfriend. and that is what these men want to do. they would like nothing more than to have her. and it's foreign to her that this concept gets me upset. so how can i make peace with myself and her?
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (10 March 2006):
I've been in your shoes before. My wife of 20 years is also a knkockout. Men ALWAYS look twice. SHe turns almost every head when she enters a room. I have always taken it as a compliment, except once. I lost my mind because some sent her a drink. She told him she's married and not to get the wrong idea. Anyway, she told me all about it, before telling me how she met him. She had told me he was a really nice guy and very interesting. When I asked how they met, she told me he sent her a drink. I exploded. How could he be nice and interesting if in the back of his mind he desired her? I couldn't understand that.
One thing to remember is, it's not your girlfriends fault men like her. What would you expect her to do, be a bitch, talk to nobody and sit there like a bump on a log. You see, if whe is mature and well grounded, she's used to this type of attention. Most women, pretty or otherwise, are accustomed to being approached by men. They also know how to handle it. If she was not happy with you then you might have to worry. The truth is, a happy person would never do anything to harm the relationship.
You don't have to be thrilled that guys are swarming around her but you do need to trust her. As a couple, set boundaries. Make them realistic. You can't control somebody based on your insecurities. It will backfire when the other person tires of paying the price for a crime they didn't commit.
Try to discover why your insecure about this. If your girlfriend flirts too much or acts in inappropriate ways, inviting this attention, talk to her.
I just recently went through this and am still working it out in some ways. I have always had some insecurities but managed to get through 20 years of marriage without any problems. It never bothered me before, my wife getting attention, but when I wasn't there I panicked. Probably having something to do with her saying this other guy was interesting and nice. This played on my pooe self image.
Always keep your relationship fresh and never try to love by controling her. You have to know that you and her will always notice and be attracted to others. It's what you do with those feelings that matter.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 March 2006):
 I have grave misgivings about anyone who claims, "I could stop doing X, if she'd only stop driving me to it, by doing Y".
First of all, you should be very clear on one point: she's not responsible for your behaviour. You are.
The only one who can make you act a certain way is you. In this case, you feel unworthy of her, so you're *choosing* to disbelieve her when she says she's not cheating on you.
The way out of this is for you to remove whatever barrier it is that makes you feel unworthy of her love. Either that, or you move along and let her have a life with someone who doesn't feel a right to invade her privacy to "prove" anything.
What seems to have been happening so far is that she's omitting parts of the truth --usually that guys are attracted to her (Well geez, what a surprise! You said yourself she's beautiful)-- and you're re-writing her omissions into some sort of guilt, because you don't want to admit to your own feelings of inferiority.
But so far you don't have a shred of evidence of any cheating. So, in other words, you're accusing her wrongly because you're insecure and then going stalkerish over your own, unfounded fears, while blaming her for "lying".
And she's still with you, huh? Well, then, she must like you a lot. Bear that in mind.
You need to recast her behaviours into honest ones: By not mentioning that guys are drooling over her as she minds her own business in life, she's probably trying not to rile you up. This is likely a long-established behaviour, since she can't change the fact that's other guys find her beautiful too. Most likely this is a way to distract herself and you from unwanted attention from other men. And that's GOOD! She's trying to consider your feelings, right? She can't help how she looks and she can't control the way other men look at her.
Remember that, unless you want to try to talk her into gaining 50 pounds, smearing limburger cheese into her armpits and wearing a potato sack, so that you don't have any competition. A beautiful woman is going to turn other men's heads. Get used to it, or leave.
The answer to this problem is not talking with her. She doesn't need to modify her behaviour, (except perhaps later, when you've dealt with YOUR problem, and she can then safely tell the full truth about her day). This isn't even *about* her, in reality. Your girlfriend isn't not doing anything except trying to avoid repercussions from YOUR insecurities.
So the real solution is to understand your own fears and recognise where they originate, so you can deal with them rationally. You need to work out why you don't feel good enough for her and why you think she'd cheat on you.
Is it just because she's beautiful? Plenty of gorgeous women fall in love with ordinary-looking men. That's because women care a lot more about what's inside a person. If she loves you, then she loves who you are, not what you look like. (Maybe you could take a lesson from that.)
You're the only person who knows what your fears are. You need to do some introspective thinking (I like long drives, or long walks for this. Somewhere where you can talk to yourself and think out loud.) and think about why you're behaving irrationally, and decide for yourself if you can accept that she's beautiful and trust her as you would anyone else.
If you can't, I think you have to be strong enough to admit that, and look for love elsewhere. The alternative is a future filled with challenges, recriminations, finger-pointing and argument.
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