A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help! My younger sister has been involved with a guy for about 5 years now who constantly puts her down (rude comments about where she lives, her taste in books etc etc). What really concerns me is that she seems unable to let go of him. She depends on him emotionally and in the past he has been very loving to her and generous with money and presents and she focuses on this and says he is not all bad but he definitely has a very nasty side to his personality. Also lately I have heard him make some very racist and sexist comments. All of her friends disapprove of him and she is becoming withdrawn and a shadow of her former self. What can I do to persuade her she is better off without him? He often says he wants to leave but she persuades him to stay and try and work things out. I think he is 'playing' her. Also during arguments he gets nasty and can be extremely insulting. She has been good to him and she has children, one of whom dislikes him. I am at my wits end. I am really worried about my sister and my niece and their emotional health. Ladies/Gentleman, what is happening here and is there anything at all I can do? I've tried to suggest to her that she has a 'break' from him for a while but she is terrified he will go off with someone else. She is also still very attracted to him. I find him veering between pleasant and obnoxious. His previous girlfriend said he undermined and her and was rude and insulting to her but was also caring and generous but they split up because of terrible arguments. A lot of his insults are disguised as 'jokes'. On the plus side he works hard and is a good provider for his own children. He is very moody however. He refuses to get counselling and when he behaves badly he blames other people, ie his previous girlfriend, my sister, or whoever happens to have 'annoyed' him. Help!
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male
reader, Moviefan  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 Well i have been in the same situation. My ex was the same way about a guy who none of her friends approved of and had tried so many times to make her wise up and snap out of it. And it never worked. Her parents were to afraid to do anything about it in fear that if they got involved they would only push her closer to him. And i had tried so many times to fix the problems causing her to be unable to let go, and help her in that direction.
Well she while i was trying to get with her and wise up. Had him break up with her at least 6 times. They were breaking up every 2 weeks or so, and sometimes he would get back with her for a day have sex and then leave her again. And jump to another girl for a few weeks then come back. I tried to tell her that he was using her as a relationship filler and for sex but she wouldnt listen or would and then would give in to him when he came back after rejecting him a few times.
Well she knew that he had cheated on her at least 4 times that she knew of and still she would not leave him. All he did is use her and mistreat her but for some reason she could not let go. I still think that it was because her parents were not the nicest to her and damaged her self respect and self worth in her eyes. And well he had actually sent me hateful messages saying that he was using her and bassically rubbed it in my face that he had what i wanted. Except it was in very insulting wording. Evil wording. And he destroyed a very expensive dvd set that i let her borrow out of jealousy of me and called her a whore and said that she was cheating on him with me when all we where doing was being friends.
Well she eventually did seem to wise up and got with me for a few months. And well everything was fine she was happy i was happy. And then 4 days before a formal he came crawling back and worked his magic again and she broke my heart for his. And well things just went down hill from here.
The week after this happend he got her pregnant and was complete jerk to her saying she had cheated on him and that it wasnt his kid and that she didnt know what she was talking about. And called her a bunch of names. And well for a few weeks he actually seemed to be being halfway decent and well that was just a ploy. The next week he packed all his stuff up and abandoned her 6 weeks pregnant, not telling a soul where he went. He stayed gone until this week. She took him back again after abandoning her for months bearing his child. If that will not make some wise up in a situation like this nothing will.
All i can tell you in a situation like this there is nothing you can do except push her in the right direction and try to get other family memebers to do the same in hopes that she will get away from him. But even then it may not be enought to completely rebuild her self esteem so she can let go og him and find someone who treats her like she deserves. My ex even said she didnt think she deserved me.
So just be there for her and try to lead her in the right direction and try to rebuild the self esteem. Anything more is likely to pusht them closer together. People like the guy who you speak of who uses someones feelings and weaknesses against them to use them are the lowest lifeforms on this planet they are lower then amebas.
People like him will act all nice to get on there victims good side long enought to keep them hooked. And the same to the vistims family. The good side is just a ploy, the evil side is his true colors. Unless he has multiple pursinalities which is unlikely. And even she breaks up with him and gets with someone else he will chances are come back from time to time to try to take advantage of her.
So just be there for her and rebuild her self asteem and then hope for the best. I hope this doesnt end up being a repeat of how things are with my ex where her invironment didnt fix her self asteem. And she never healed. Getting stuck with one of the these users.
I wish you luck i really do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): I think part of the reason he can control her is because he has set her up to believe that if she breaks up with him he will immediately get with someone else and move on without a fight. That is a really hurtful way to treat a loved one and it can chip away your self worth. And obviously there is nothing loving about that. I know this because my ex bf made me feel that way alot and he sounds alot like how you describe your sisters bf. That is a cruel thing to do but that is his tactic for keeping her with him. The truth is that if she left him he probably would definitely hook up with someone else almost instantly. Whereas a normal guy who truly loves you probably wouldn't do that and instead would use the time of the break up to think about what they did wrong and call you a week later and apologize and beg for you back. But since this guy doesn't truly love anybody and thinks he is perfect and it is everybody else's fault he is incapable of being that way. If she dumped him he would move on without a fight. And if he really "loved" her by his standards he would still move on and hook up with other girls but at the same time call and try to get back with her. He is incapable of truly loving anybody. He just doesn't know what that is. He is just an a**hole. I would be tough on your sister and let her know you think she is acting pathetic. Make her see that you think she is so much better than this and even act surprised that she is reducing herself to all this. Tell her how you always saw her as so pretty and strong and level headed. How you always thought that she was so cool and that of course she would end up with a great guy. By telling her stuff like that, it will give her confidence and make her realise that from another perspective she is highly valued. You got to help build up her confidence again. And also you got to show her how much of a loser her bf is. Tell her how you know for a fact that he will never find a girl like her. And mean it when you say it. Be like "omg if only you could see what a loser this guy is. He's never going to meet another girl like you." These are all things that close family and friends have said to me that really really helped me move on from bad relationship. You got to build her up and at the same time put him down. But don't say it in a angry tone. Say it in a really matter of fact, "like duh," kind of way. And say it with alot of confidence and use words like EVERYBODY thinks you are beautiful and great. And EVERYBODY thinks he sucks. I'm telling you, that kind of talk always works.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (10 February 2008):
 Hi, I do feel sorry for your sister and for you because you want the best for her.These type of men love to manipulate and control, it's a game with them. First they let you think they care until you trust them, slowly the abuse starts, until they drain you of all your self-esteem, they make you beleive that they know what's best for you as in your sister's case. That's why she keeps wanting him to stay, she is caught up in emotional dependency and does not realize how much damage he is doing to her state of mind. You should try to help her by talking to her to try to get her to realize what a good person she is and that she deserves better. Try to get her to see a therapist,this would help a lot. Hopefully she will open her eyes, she has been with him a long time and he has drained her of her self-worth, and now she clings to him, trying to please him, because she feels that he affirms her, regardless of the verbal abuse.I speak to this from experience, I had to make a completebreak because I was dying emotionally, it was painful and I mean that literally, I had physical pain when I left the relationship. This will be hard for your sister, but she will be able to revmove herself, with outside support from those who love her. She feels as if she is lost in the woods. Be there for her. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocolatetpots +, writes (10 February 2008):
Hi, oh my word this is a tricky one! Your sister has been with this guy for 5yrs, she therefore knows what this guy is like, she probably takes his remarks and insults lightly, she is used to it. You are the one that cannot take it, and its frustrating because you want better for her.What you have to understand is that she wants to be with this man, and no matter what he does, it will never be wrong in her eyes, unless she gets out of bed the wrong way and she wants to tell the world.You have to leave her to sort this out on her own, no matter how frustating it is to you, its not for her, she is the only one who can change things, and if you interfere to much she will turn nasty on you and defend him.I dont know this man, and I am sure like 80% of women out there they would not want to be with him if he is so bad. Does he abuse her? apart from mentally? if so then you have every right to be concerned, but my advice to you is: Speak you your sister and ask her what she wantsDoes she want you help, or does she see you as interferring?Tell her your concerns, and fears, and listen to her replyLet me know how you get on, i feel for you because i would feel the same if it were my sister.
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A
female
reader, KarenY +, writes (10 February 2008):
 hi there. i will try my best to help you!!. your younger sister really needs to get rid of this guy. No person deserve what he is doing. she will need your help alot and you need to take her emotional stress on your shoulders just for alittle while......she needs to let her emotional attachment for this guy drain away and putting onto you will help speed up this process.....it is going to be hard on you but if you lvoe your sister then you can handle it.keep filling her with positive comments about herself and her interst take a notice of things she does...offer to take her out to do things she enjoys.hope this helps x
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