A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:My boyfriend of nearly one year has an unusual personality. He's eccentric, strong, brilliant, has some OCD/control behaviors, lacks some social graces. I wonder if he might have a little Aspergers (and yes, I'm educated enough to make that assumption). He tends to keep his hands tightly to him, sometimes arms crossed, but I believe this is more out of habit and comfort than truly "shutting out the relationship" as seen in typical body language. I enjoy being with him and feel I truly understand him. It took him 7 months to say "I love you" (that I was too distracted to hear and he was too freaked out to repeat until a month later where he said it very sincerely). I have expressed my feelings completely this entire relationship. He has run hot and cold during parts of the relationship. I try to look for the little things he does to show his love despite his fear (even sent him a list of things he has done to make me supremely happy). He seemed very pleased by it and our last few visits have been even sweeter than usual.I guess I'm looking for insight and shared experiences from those who may be in similar relationships. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 Crossing your arms in front of you and not being able to repeat (for a month) that he loves you (it sounds like your distraction made it difficult/impossible for you to give the reaction he was looking for, which is not your fault, or anyone's) are also symptoms of shyness.
People who are shy will sometimes appear cool - it’s a self-defence mechanism.
He may always be like this, but if it is shyness, he may slowly get over it in a long time and depending on how deeply he feels his shyness, one year may not be long enough to get through it entirely.
Seven months is not a long-time to determine you love someone you are in a relationship with.
I recommend continued patience and an understanding that we should not get involved with people if happiness is dependent on them changing.
It sounds like you are already doing some thoughtful and wonderful things which will encourage him to open up... Enjoy each other! :-)
A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (7 September 2011):
It's possible that your bf could have mild aspergers, however it doesn't sound like it's affecting your relationship too greatly. Every relationship with or without aspergers will have it's up & downs. There are some people out there who have no health problems but will run hot & cold sometimes depending on certain factors (e.g stress) or who really struggle to show their emotions.
From what you've written it sounds like you love him and he loves you. If he does have trouble reading people or showing his emotions etc, then it might be a good idea to keep the communication going and perhaps ask him for affection/reassurance from time to time.
Although keep in mind he will always be like this, I doubt he'll be able to change much (especially if it is aspergers). If you're struggling with it, have a think about how much this will bother into the future. If you find methods that help, like writing the stuff he's done for you down, use that.
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