A
male
age
41-50,
*addad
writes:I can't get over my ex. We have 3 kids together, have bought a house together and were together for 6 yrs. We are both 27. She ended it with me about 7 months ago and I begged her for months not to do it. I have to see her all the time because of the kids and my heart is still broken. I know she is seeing guys in bars and has had at least one 1-night stand that I know off. I have tried everything to get her back, even keeping contact to a minimum to try and make her "miss" me. Im seeing some-one else now and have been for the last 2 months. I thought my ex might get jealous but no. I actually think of suicide now every day, I just can't go on knowing that our house will have to be sold and that she will end up with some other guy living with him and my 3 kids. I'd like to hear from any other guys out there who have essentially "lost" their family - a lot of the stuff on the net about break-ups don't take into account that you have kids with your ex. Anyone have any good links for breakup advice for Dads?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): I had a very similar experience with my wife. It all started when I caught her cheating on me. We have a home and 2 kids. I tried to do everything I thought was the right thing to get her to stop cheating. She then wanted a divorce and was treating me really bad. I had those same suicidal feeling your having. I went to a therapist and his question to me was "Why would you want to be with someone who doesen't want to be with you". His advice to me was to let her go and move on with my life. He told me to be a good father, to take better care of my health and to stand up strong for myself. He told me that trying too hard is giving her a negative effect as its showing that I am a weak man, and a woman doesen't want a weak man. He said to start planning my life without her and not to let her get to me. I can tell you that it wasn't long before my wife noticed I didn't care anymore, even though I did, I acted like I had a new beginning and was looking forward to it. I was starting to feel better about myself and was planning to sell our home and was planning to buy a home for myself. She saw me being strong and independent of her, we weren't seperated very long and she asked me to come back to her. So my advice is to let her go, stand up for yourself, maintain your physical health, and remain a good dad. Just let her go. Trying too hard is not helping you at all, its just making things harder for you. She may need some time to realize what she's lost, and if she doesen't, you just may be better off. Good luck.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 First, you need a psychologist. Anytime things get bad enough to consider ending it, you need that additional help.
A bit of advise, anytime your statement begins with "I have tried to." It doesn't work. It reminds me of cartoons. A fire starts, they try everything to put out the fire, then poof, they still loose. What does work? It depends on what happened to have this decision to separate made. Let me tell you what I found. I did the same insanity you did trying to get back together. What I found is when you burn a bridge, you don't go back the ashes you have to build a new bridge. How do we do anything when we find ourself lost. It's time to get back to basics. When you two met, I hope there was an attraction there, and you didn't just simply walk up and say "lets go buy a house and have kids?" What you are doing with her by begging and whatever else, you're asking her, or trying to convince her into going back to the bridge that's just now ash. So here is my recommendation to you.
(1) Love your kids always, don't use them with her as a reason to get back together. I've been divorce for 10 years, children are happier in two separate homes that are both happy homes than they are with one that maybe just isn't too happy.
(2) Figure out what part you had in this separation. Areas you could have improved on, and areas that may need reduced or eliminated in behaviors. Then work on changing them.
(3) Get a notebook, and begin documenting negative actions by your ex. The one night stand, when does she go to the bar and who watches the kids when she goes. Does she bring company home. Are the kids exposed to meeting her "friends" often. Those are just some examples. My ex and I aren't together, next month my oldest daughter is moving in with me, and I have two more that live will me full time.
(4) Live for you children. Don't try playing the same game as she is. If she goes out and picks up men all the time, great for a change of custody, if you do the same, you wouldn't be looked upon well either.
(5) Begin working hard on these behaviors. One way I did was I wrote down what I wanted to do in life, how I wanted my kids to view who I am etc, then I redeveloped myself, eliminating bad behaviors and enhancing the positive ones.
The reason for all this is positive change can develop new attraction. Then you may be ready to request a conversation over dinner.
I wish you luck. Take care of those kids, you'll always be their father no matter what else happens.
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