A
female
age
36-40,
*inkcandy2
writes:im 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My relationship with my partner has been up and down the past couple of years, we have had some amazing times and also some pretty upsetting times, typical of any relationship. My partner runs his own business as a builder, he works very hard and long hours. He has custody of his 5 year old son from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time, sees his biological mum every wednesday night and every other weekend. I work as a teaching assistant 5 days a week at a school, full time hours. I understand everyones life is hectic and stressfull at times, however recently i have found mine a real struggle. Being pregnant and working full time and then after work looking after a 5 year old, cooking tea, keeping a house clean etc. is really tiring me out and making me snappy and moody. My partner is very hard working and works longer hours than me so it makes sense for me to do the house work etc. The past few months we have had terrible terrible arguements, i cant really tell you what they are about as most the time i cant remember, but what i do know is alot of the time they are caused by my snappyness, moaning about him not helping me around the house, not paying me enough attention and the newest one is ive started becoming jelous over female clients has has to work with (this jelousy only started happenening since pregnancy). He has well and truly had enough of me now. Everytime an arguement erupts he tells me hes had enough and im making him miserable and that him and his son are leaving or i need to leave. I get upset and cry and beg him to stay but hes tired of the tears now, he tells me im attention seeking and pathetic. I know my behaviour is needy and im behaving like a spoilt brat but i cant seem to sort myself out. During an arguement the other day, caused yet again by me, i was particlarly out of control crying and very angry he rang my mum so she could witness what he has to live with, She came round and saw what a mess i was in, i was so upset and angry with him for ringing her i shouted at them both and behaved like an utter psycho. My mum told me i dont deserve a child and that shes ashamed of me and left the house after a long lecture of home truths about myself, finishing with 'you're dead to me now, i never want to see you again'. My partner left with her and went to stay at his mums and i havnt seen either of them since. My mum told me my behaviour is out of control and i was a spoilt brat. She said he earns more money than me and provides for the family so its my duty to do all the housework, look after his son, make dinner, etc. and i should do it willingly and with a smile on my face. I understande what she means i really do, i just wanted one of them to recognise that maybe im not handling the hormones that pregnancy bring very well, and i need some sort of help or encouragement or even just appreciation for the good i am doing. I have spoken to my midwife the past few months and she knows about all the arguements, my partner is very very cruel tongued when he is angry and tells me things you wouldnt say to your worst enemy let alone the mother of your unborn child. I have told the midwife these things and its come up that maybe he is emotionally abusing me, and im actually a victim of domestic violence. He ex wife claimed he emotionally abused her for years and years which is what made her turn to drink and not able to care for her child but he has always denied that he did this to her. I just dont know what to believe anymore, i dont know if he is emotionally abusing me or whehter i need to get a grip and stop causing arguements. Please help me
View related questions:
ex-wife, money, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pinkcandy2 +, writes (6 September 2011):
pinkcandy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi guys, i havnt been on this website for a while but thought i would update u all since i last wrote when i was 28 weeks pregnant. i am now 39 weeks pregnant, i have left my abusive, horrible horrible (ex) partner and i am living in my own house, standing on my own two feet, and i havnt looked back. Things went from bad to worse with my situation, his emotional abusive got so bad i hit an all time low, i dont know what made the penny drop in my head but on the 17th july 2011 i walked out the house i was living in with him and i havnt been back in since. the day i left he verbally attacked me in an ordeal that lasted hours. He threw a padlock at me (from the gate to the car park at the back of my house), he told me he hopes the baby dies of cancer (this still haunts me and upsets me a great deal), he threatened to kill me, he said all this infront of his 5 yr old son, along with telling his 5 year old son im not a girl, im a man (???), i shave my face and i have a male genitals, the baby isnt his baby sister, he used all sorts of sick and disgusting words to his 5 year old in what can only be described as a complete insane rant. I have since realised after leaving him i was in a very very emotionally abusive relationship, and if i had stayed in it i doubt i would have lived to tell the tale. I have now got a harrassment order on his issued by the police, as he tried to run me off the road in his van (again his 5 year old was in the van) and he has been seen on my cul de sac late at night snooping around. Women's Aid Domestic Violence have been great, fitted my new house with smoke alarms (he threatened to burn my house down), a letter box lock and alarms on all the windows and doors. I am so so relieved to be away from this monster and i loath the day i ever met him. I wish i had seen sense earlier. His sons mother and i have been in touch and have realised we have a lot in commen, especially with both suffering from his abuse, she is in the process of court proceedings to fight for residency of her son as he is not safe living with his dad as he is so unstable.I havnt found any of this easy, i still feel i should go and get some sort of counciling as there are days i cry that i let things get so bad. But i am very very excited for the arrival of my daughter. I have since made up with my mum, i had to go and speak to her and my dad and be completly honest with them about what was going on in my house, they were both horrified and have been a great support to me, i love them both so much.Thank you all for all your help and kind words, this website really helped me on those days i felt so alone and scared. I am looking forward to a happy and content future with my little girl and if anything this dreadful experience has made me stronger and a better person x
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (29 June 2011):
 I'm so glad we've helped to make you feel a bit better - less alone, and to have the reassurance that actually, both of them are out of line, not you. When you are pregnant, all normal people would expect nothing of you, and would run around after you and tell you not to lift anything heavy. That is the normal way - people are usually protective towards pregnant women. So if they aren't, well ... protect yourself.
I do hope you break out of this. Get independent. Live happily with your baby. Find someone nice. Good luck : )
...............................
A
female
reader, pinkcandy2 +, writes (29 June 2011):
pinkcandy2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your kind words and support, just reading these, even though you are all complete strangers, makes me feel better and i am beginning to come round to the fact i am not going insane, and things definately need to change!! thank you so so much for taking the time to respond to my question, you have no idea how much you have helped and probably even saved my future from carrying on in this abusive and destroying cycle. Thanks again xx
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (28 June 2011):
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am sure it will all be ok, and can be sorted out, but emotions are high on all sides, and maybe a couple of days now for you to just relax and get perspective is not a bad thing.
OK: firstly - your mum. I imagine she has her own issues, by the sound of it, with you, and whatever your boyfriend has complained about rings a bell with her, and she has just sided with him because maybe he is saying some of the things she has wanted to say. HOWEVER, and this is a really big however, it was TOTALLY wrong of her not to support you and love you. Being a parent means taking the rough with the smooth. You are going through a difficult time. You are not reacting well - your hormones, yes, of course, will make you more emotional, and it sounds like you are already an emotional person. Having said that, if your mum actually managed to say to you, 28 weeks pregnant, that you are 'dead' to her because ... because you haven't been doing the washing up enough?! - then probably in your childhood she was a person who gave vent to her emotions as well, and you will have learnt this behaviour off her.
Your mum - needs to grow up herself, really, and be a solid parent, there for you. But we can't change your mum, so just let her cool off, and she will come back - but sadly you now know you can't rely on her for unconditional understanding and support.
As for the guy: yes, yes, yes - he is without doubt a serial emotional abuser. He is probably successful, hardworking, people like him, he earns well. He achieves all this because he knows what he wants, and controls the process well so that he gets it. Unfortunately, this operates in all areas of his life - including his woman. So, he has a v strong idea of what he wants a woman to do, and if she doesn't do it, he will not stop until she does.
This approach is a nightmare for most women, because most women are not robots, and can only produce the kind of perfection men like him are after if they totally squash their own feelings and concerns, and basically out of pretty much fear just do things how he wants. Fear, ok, not necessarily of physical abuse, but of the shouting, the horrible horrible words, the destruction of their characters and of the peace at home that everybody wants.
He is, simply, a bastard to live with. He is not kind. He is not understanding. He is not sympathetic. He is angry - with you - for not understanding how he wants things, and not providing that. So he uses everything - threats, etc, - to try and get you to do what he wants.
You are causing arguments, yes - but that is because you are speaking up for yourself and saying 'I am pregnant and exhausted and work full time and I am allowed to be tired and not able to do everything in the home and with your son, and you should understand and help me'. He doesn't like that, because he wants a woman who copes whatever. (I guess his mum must have been like that - and probably quite hard on him, too.)
During pregnancy, your body is different, and you totally need your rest. You can't go on forever. You need to stop much more often. This is how it is. Everyone really should respect and understand this, and support you. I am sorry that they aren't : (
Here are my solutions for the housework, etc:
- You should take more time off from work, when you are tired. Pregnant women have a right to lie down whenever they are tired, and to go home if they aren't up to it. Talk to your midwife and doctor about this. If possible, you should work only part time for now.
- Don't expect the guy to help - he is doing a lot of other things. That is ok. But if you can't do everything at home, get a cleaner to help out. And get your MUM to help out. She should be helping, not shouting!!! And what about his mum? You need help from your family at the moment.
Here is my solution for things in general:
- He will always be like this, and it will be worse when the baby comes. I am so sorry to say that. You have to work on accepting that his ways are really very difficult, and that honestly you would be better finding the strength within yourself to be independent. I am sure if you do this, someone else will come along who WILL look after you.
- It sounds like everyone is getting at you. It sounds to me like your guy is just like that - he will be very critical, and hurtful - that is his way. Your mum - I don't know. Does she usually criticise like this? If she does, then you can put it down to them both having a problem. If she doesn't, then either she is having a bad time at the moment, or you are driving her mad as well. If you think you might be being difficult, try to work on it.
BUT, and this is a big but, I will tell you how I am in the first 3 months of pregnancy:
Cannot cook
Cannot go into a supermarket
Cannot hardly even move
Have about 30mins useful time every day - rest of the time am lying down, sleeping or yawning
Then at 13 weeks it all gets better, and I have loads of energy. But some women feel as bad as I did for the whole pregnancy - and if you even feel half as bad, then my god, they should be looking after you and expecting nothing of you.
They are mean. I feel sorry for you. Let the guy go as he is bad all round. Find someone better. Find your own feet. Pregnancy is a gentle time and you will be ok. And make up with your mum - you will need her.
Sorry can't help more : (
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, rnrdbst77  +, writes (27 June 2011):
Your partener is definitly emotionally abusing you. First of all, you're 7mos pregnant, you work full time, and he expects you to do everything from watching his son to cooking dinner after cleaning the house top to bottom, without any help from him? And he thinks that just because he works longer hours than you, that he doesn't have to lift a finger to help around the house. That is total BS. He should be waiting on you hand and foot, and running your bathwater, etc...He should be an equal partener in the house as well as financially. And I hate to say it, but I think based on what you wrote about your mother, she is very emotionally abusive as well. For her to tell you that very outdated, archaic crap about him being superior to you, just because he makes more than you, that you're supposed to do all the housework yourself, and be happy about it? Excuse me? That is also total BS. A partenership is supposed to be 50/50. He should be sharing in the housework. And for him to talk to you that way, to say you're pathetic and attention seeking, telling you that you have to leave, calling your mother, and getting her to side against you. These are defineitly the signs of emotional abuse. If you are emotional because of the pregnancy, and the hormone overdrive, which is the case with most pregnant women, he should be doing everything to make things easier for you, and be understanding of your feelings, not making you feel worse about yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, RainyJune +, writes (27 June 2011):
i think its appalling that he would speak to you like that. I understand that nobody is perfect and we can all contribute to issues in our relationships but he is not handling the situation very well. It doesnt sound like he appreciates the fact you keep a home and bring up his child while he works and hold down your own job let alone do all this while pregnant!
I suffer from a disorder which means my behaviour is often unacceptable and what has helped me is writing a journal about how ive felt and how ive reacted to situations. After a few weeks i saw easily the areas that it is me being difficult and also saw the areas that was not me. Please try this method, you may find that your reactions are completely justified concidering the way this man has spoken to you!! You may also be able to see areas where you could benefit from help with.
From what i see in your letter i personally think you must be a very strong woman to be doing all this. Pregnancy hormones reek havoc with most woman and its awful that your own mother has not been supportive of you regardless of what has gone on!
When both partners are working then i feel its the responsibility of BOTH partners to arrange a schedule for housework, dinners and child minding. You deserve days off as much as he does regardless of how many hours he works. Next time remind him that your pregnant 24 hours a day for 9 months and that is the single most draining experience any human being can go through.
He needs to man up a bit and help you during this time instead of leaving you with all the responsibilities and if you feel that your behaviour is not up to scratch be honest about this and explain you are willing to find ways in which you could improve how you behave.
Personally sounds like this guy needs a bit of a shake and you need a day of to put your feet up! Good luck and do not under any circumstances let this man speak to you like that again. Mutual respect goes a long way and if he cant respect you as a good woman then im sure some other nice bloke will!
...............................
|
