A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:When I moved into my neighborhood, the first woman I met was very friendly and she and her husband were out immediate next-door-neighbors. We became very cordial, and exchanged cards, did samll favors for each other, such as taking in parcels and watering the plants, and exchanged small gifts. All quite normal. I was quite surprised when she seemed to take an avid interest in my life, although she wanted to share in my activities with my family members included, not just have a coffee and chat the way that women do. She even chatted with my housekeeper about my families life before we moved here - which I found intrusive. The first Christmas, she gave our whole family a gift basket. The largest present was a $50 golf shirt for my husband, with a brand name logo that he likes. The rest of the items were glaringly bought on sale or "regifted". I had sent wine and books for her child. There was a split-up in their home, so she is now divorced, and she and her daughter still live next door. There have been many instances where she has wanted to call my husband or ask him for a favor, or put "us" (mainly my husband) in touch with friends of hers in order to become more social with "us", even though I never see her during the day (she works from home) by ourselves for a coffee. She never drops by, except on the weekends, when my husband is home. My husband is happy to be home with me on the weekends and thinks she is a bit odd. My (older, sarcastic) kids also have remarked that they think she is hoping that I have an unfortunate accident and that she can comfort the grieving widower. The latest thing was that she had a new company that she was working for and she wanted to impress them at a company golf tournament. She knew that I had a nice set of clubs and asked me if she could borrow them (for the second time, even though I never offered to loan them). THEN, she asked my husband (he IMMEDIATELY begged off and made an excuse) to be her partner for the tournament, even though she never bothered asking ME! Just my clubs! Am I just vexed because I am aware of her crush on my husband and this is an obvious ploy to try to get closer to him? Can a woman ask another woman's husband out to play golf because he is the CEO of a company and a great business contact? She asked in front of me by way of saying, "I thought that I would rescue him from a boring weekday" so it all seems above board, but and all I could think was how obvious it was to me. So, any advice on how to handle myself and my neighbor? Can I back over her with my 4x4? My face is hurting from all the false smiles that I have to wear when I see her pulling this stuff!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tish! You can be my next door neighbor any day!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 July 2009):
 Can I live next door to you ladies instead? We can gossip madly about our crazy neighbors without worrying about being stalked or having husbands stolen out from under us.
My advice, which doesn't seem to be needed, you have sorted this out, it to get across some idea that your husband actually finds her an object of ridicule or sympathy--the kind of sympathy reserved for those who haved made spectacles of themselves in public. Or that he's noticed something unattractive about her.
For example (and I apologize in advance for any perceived size-ism, this is strictly a ploy, I used to be one of the plus sized among us, okay?), say something brightly to her like, "My husband wanted to know how far along you were in your pregnancy! I laughed, and asked him, what on earth did he mean? And he told me that he thought you'd put on some weight, and he assumed it was because you were pregnant! Ha! Silly man! I told him he needed his eyes checked. You know how men are--they get this idea in their head that you've gained weight and then that's all they can see."
You could choose another topic, such as "He wanted to know how long you'd been coloring your hair; he seemed to think you were older than you actually are!" You just have to find her vulnerability and let her think your husband has noticed it and remarked on it, has judged her and found her wanting.
It's very evil of me, I know, to suggest you wound someone's self esteem, but from what you wrote, she could use a self-esteem adjustment...
Please keep us posted as to your encounters with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2009):
 Her problem might be some serious esteem issues, specially if her hubby cheated on her. She wants attention, confirmation that she still "got it" and all this from a male.. Right now that is your husband she thinks can help her with that. Unfortnunately, I don't think she sees her actions as being weird.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"It's time to hide the pet rabbit and go for the throat yourself!" That's a great line, Auntie Em! I think that it's time for her to stop taking my puppy out for walks with her 4 year old - it might turn into a hot dog!!! You might be right - one more obvious stunt (and a margarita) and I may ask her what she thinks she is up to...
I would be happy to drive over your neighbor too, DrPsych, just as soon as I get the new clutch back in my truck! You gave me a lot of practical advice and made me feel like less of a nutcase. I appreciate that you both though it was up to my husband to draw the line in the sand for her - it's pretty obvious that she isn't paying a lot of attention to whatever I might be thinking about the way she is behaving.
Thanks, Honeypie, and you are right, we are on the way out!!! Light at the end of the tunnel!!! But I appreciate the support! It will help me keep my sanity until the move takes place!
It makes me crazy and sad, because I could have used a good friend while I was here, and at first, she appeared to be one. I liked this woman. She had her own issues, her husband cheated on her, they divorced. I don't think that she is the type to cheat, and I'd like to think that people can same-sex friends or single friends when they are married, But the strange little thing have been going on for years, and every time it happens, I question myself and my own charity about her motives, but the more often things like this happen, the more it seems to point in one direction! She invited us out for a show, and then tried to seat herself beside him at the end of the row (with me at the other end) (that didn't happen...) and she asked him for a job when she lost hers (and that wasn't going to happen). She is always trying to invent ways to spend time with him, and he always avoids it. We invited her out for a sail last year, but I am dreading the subject coming up again. I am not involved with her school (my kids are adults) or country club, or church, as we are agnostics, Thank You God! I am also of the mind that "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member..." - Groucho Marx...
I'm glad he's trustworthy, which is one reason why other women find him attractive, and he's always been the guy that the women in the office view as a trustworthy friend. He's a great husband, so I am lucky! And he's pretty hot too, so I am flattered that women also think he is attractive, but it's just that percentage of women who don't care if a guy is married or not that make me question my own charity and motives and wear me out!
Thank you to everyone who took the time to answer my question! XXX
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2009):
Be glad you have a good husband. Maybe he can tell her to get lost in a nice way and she might actually understand it.
As for her to want your husband (instead of you) for the golf tournament, well, maybe she thinks bringing a woman would make her look like a desperate divorcee.. If she brings a guy, specially a guy with good business connections, she would look "large & in charge". Also I think she assumes your husband is better at golf then you.
If you don't want to socialize with her just cut the contact. If she shows up tell her you guys are on the way out ( Even if you aren't) she will get the idea.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (23 July 2009):
 Once you finished the fatal reverse action, can you please drive to my house and do the same thing to my stalker-neighbour? Joking aside, I am sympathetic as you can already tell from my reply I have an over-friendly neighbour too. However, fortunately she is not after my husband. If she were I think he might scream...she is no super-model (but then neither am I!). Anyway, enough of my rambling about my problems - I don't think you have much to worry about as long as you trust your husband. Personally I think my husband would only ever stray if the cooker broke down and there was a stunning lady next door wafting home baked cookies over the garden fence while dressed in a sexy little number like a siren luring sailors to the rocks (or her stove in the case of my husband). I think you should feel flattered that she fancies your husband. Ultimately it is up to him to sort out the stalker from next door by stopping being so nice and refusing to go anywhere with her. She is probably feeling lonely and rejected after the divorce and your husband just happens to be the nearest target for her affections. It is probably a phase and as long as he acts appropriately she will move onto to someone else. As for your relationship with her, perhaps it is time to stop being too friendly and stop socialising with her. I spotted my stalker-neighbour for what she was within 5 minutes of meeting her (gossiping about us around the village, nosey about every aspect of our life, staring through our windows, trying to get me to go out drinking with her while saying horrible things to the other neighbours about us, trying to sell me second-hand stuff from her house) and did over a year of polite yet firm refusals at my front door before she got the hint that I didn't want to be her best friend. The large fence being erected in the garden next week is probably going to be the last straw for her. Perhaps that is the solution for you, as well as some nice electric cattle wire around your front door that switches on when she turns up.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 July 2009):
 Hmm if it were me, I'd have to ask her outright. I'd tell her straight that the whole family had noticed her advances and then I would tell her in no uncertain terms to stop the flirting behaviour.
How obnoxious of her to assume your husband would be having a 'boring weekend'...lord I can understand you wanting to back her over with the truck.
I'd call a family meet first and discuss with everyone and let them know the situation is becoming annoying. If she can be so bare faced about things then so can you. Tell her that both you and your husband are uncomfortable with the situation and you would like it to stop.
She is probably going to pull the 'Whatever do you mean?' routine but just smile sweetly and say 'please stop'
Things like this that go unchecked can escalte quickly so be sure you have your whole family in agreement on what you are going to do before you proceed. Even better, get your husband to tell her, in your presence of course.
Have you seen Fatal Attraction???...it's time to hide your pet rabbit and go for the throat yourself!!!!
Please let us know how you get on!!
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): If she is recently divorced, she could be out of money and looking to get in good with the "CEO of a company and a great business contact." She may also despise a woman who name-drops her husband's prestige into a fairly trivial question about infidelity. In any case, don't let her near your husband, but volunteer to mix with her socially (country club, church, school council, something) so that she sees you as a human being.
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