A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I was truly in love with him but we had several problems during the relationship. He'd get incredibly angry for any reason, specially when he drank too much, and for 2 years he was addicted to cocaine, which really hurt the relationship. During those years, the only thing that kept me from leaving him was knowing he'd have no other person capable of helping him getting out of it. He's been clean for a whole year now and his anger issues have occured more rarely than before. However, I think I don't love him anymore and broke up with him recently. Terrible timing, because it seems as if I'm punishing him for having solved most of his own problems.But I developed a fear of him going back to coke or simply becoming extremely angry and kicking me out of his place (it has happened before). And together with that, the feelings faded. So I broke up with him, and it has been a nightmare since then. I'm afraid he'll do something stupid, so I feel forced to go back to him until he gets better, because he says just being friends is not enough. I'm aware this is not right, and sounds like emotional blackmail. I'd really be thankful if anyone out there could give me some good advice on how to do a clean breakup the less damaging possible for him. And trust me, saying I'll still be his friend and stand by his side if he needs me, and saying I don't want to be in the relationship... well basically telling the truth, has not worked. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Sometimes when and addict gets rid of his addiction the relationship becomes glaringly obvious that it was not based on anything substantial in the first place. He was in love with the drug and you were addicted to the drama, hence lack of drama lack of feelings.
I think you have some work to do on yourself or you would never have stayed the two years with a coke addict...that is simply a dealbreaker any which way you look at it.
It does seem that you are punishing him now that he has his problems fairly well licked, but that isn't really your intention and you can tell him how proud you are of him that he has turned his life around.
Then tell him that you have to go and build a life of your own on your own and you wish him all the best in the world. Tell him that you think it is for the best that you two cut all contact with each other for quite some time until both of you are over the emotions that have come with the break up. It never works to try to be friends with someone that you had deeper feelings for possibly never, but at the very least until neither one of you have any motives or designs of getting back together.
And in fact if you cut each other loose and you build back your own identities and lives without the other, if you should meet again, you might then have a reason to start an entirely new relationship with each other as in getting back together, it happens. The old relationship is dead, it wasn't working and you need to move on from it for your sake and his. No contact means no contact of any kind.
A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 This won't be easy to do but you have to cut him out completely. You should never fear someone that close to you and his problems are not ones you can over come for him. If he truely cares about you he will get help (there is lots out there) and change himself. Then maybe you can be his friend but you don't need to suffer with him. I used to have a anger problem myself and have broken my knuckles hitting walls but now thats way in the past thanks to karate. He can better himself if he wants to but the most important thing is that you feel safe.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 You are not responsible for his drinking too much, drug dependence and anger issues. You HAVE broken up with him and it's no use him telling you that being friends is not enough.
Just what does he expect from you if being friends only is not sufficient? he sounds manipulative.
The best way you can help is to tell him to recognize that he needs professional help and that it is up to him to seek it, in order to turn his life around (assuming he even wants to change, that is). Be very firm about him not contacting you! You have to absolutely insist on this, but do it once and once only. I suppose if he is not aware of what clinics or doctors to call, you might choose to look up some online and give him names to call. If you do, that's it. Let that be the finish to giving him any kind of assistance.
If he threatens you with violence, call the police. Don't open your door if he stops by. If you have to, change your phone number, block him from your email, facebook, texts (I suppose a person CAN block someone from sending them texts?)
Finally, you don't need to feel guilty for ending the relationship. It wasn't working for you, and its your choice not to continue. No other reason is necessary. You do not owe him anything. You've done more than enough as it is.
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A
female
reader, PLAYFUL +, writes (5 January 2010):
 well you should not brakeup in person tell him over the phone I know you might feel bad but it safe for and as for being friends that sound good but make sher there is someone with you ..xox
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): its simple , he loves you and thinks right now your the most important thing in his life at the moment.Theres no way out of it you just have to break it to him and be strong enough not to go back to him but let him know your still going to be there. I can't tell you he wont kill him self ... sorry.
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