A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been medicated for anxiety for 9 years now and worked with counselors for longer than that. I have anxiety and panic disorder with some OCD (just the obsessive thoughts.)I haven't dated much and have not had a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months until my current boyfriend. It should be noted I have a really hard time not just sitting around my house waiting for him to contact me. I have become very codependent and struggle to make a life for myself. Our relationship isn't perfect, but I love him and I know he loves me. He tells me he loves me everyday and that I am beautiful, wonderful etc. He tells me he misses me and is always excited to see me. He is a senior at a military college 3 hours from me. He will graduate in April and return to the next town over. Currently, we are doing long distance. I've never done a long distance relationship. However, I am very needy and insecure, so it's been really hard for me. We see each other just about every weekend or every 2 weekends. He always initiates and plans our visits- which is a first for me. I never have to worry if he wants to see me and we have a wonderful time when we are together. Because of long distance and him being at a military school, he is not allowed to text while walking around campus and has to sneak texts to me in class. His entire day is planned and regimented from 7 AM-11 PM. Our relationship started in July, and his classes restarted in August. At the beginning of dating, he would call me everyday and leave me voicemails. He really helped me deal with the distance. Once class started up again, the calls got less frequent. He noticed it was happening and apologized and said he was trying his best. We talk on the phone maybe 3-4 times a week now and I feel like often I have to bring it up. It used to be twice a day :(I should mention, he initiates texting me everyday and we get to text for a good part of the day. However, I miss the phone calls. I've told him about my anxiety and how the phone calls help. However, I do occasionally act out/be very dramatic about my day so that he will call me to make sure I'm ok. It's an immature way to get his attention. Last week, his phone broke and he messaged me on Facebook. I accepted I would not get to speak to him much and lived my life. When I stepped back, he skyped me for a long time one night and messaged me for a while and visited me the next day. Every time I step back, I get the phone calls and positive reinforcement I need. I've told him before how much the calls help and he said he'll try harder, but that I need to trust him and be confident in our relationship that he loves me and isn't going anywhere even if we don't get to talk as much as I'd like. What I don't get is why if he knows this helps me, he won't do it everyday. I just want him to do what I want! (Yes, I can be quite immature). I very much have a scorecard out, counting our phone calls and over analyzing everything. I'm bummed on the nights he doesn't call and spend a good part of my day OBSESSING over whether he will call that night or not. I want him to call without me having to remind him or ask him to. I know he can sense when I'm calm and contacts me then more. I'm so scared someone will tell me to break up with him because he doesn't call me enough. I have some control freak tendencies and don't want to scare him away, but also love the intimacy of a phone call or Facetime/skype. Please advice! I appreciate the help!I'm still working with my counselor and maybe need to go up on my medication.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (2 November 2015):
I’m going to say this as nicely as I can because I understand you have problems and are working on that, but you sound absolutely exhausting. I don’t have a regimented day from 7 in the morning until 11 at night, but I would still find you exhausting and frankly lack the energy for conversations with you at times. I’m afraid that’s because you aren’t facing up to the real problem here: co-dependence. You mentioned it but didn’t show any understanding of the fact that it need to change and that this isn’t about calls, texts and visits. This relationship has become a crutch for you: you rely on constant reinforcement to get through the day and feel confident and secure about yourself. All you write about is what you want, what you need and the lengths you’ll go to get it. You don’t say what you talk about; you don’t say, for instance, whether you ask him about his day or what he needs from you. You also seem to expect him to initiate things all the time, presumably because you need to feel like he wanted the contact rather than having felt forced in to it by the need to respond to you. I think he’s obviously in love with you and perhaps has come to depend on being needed by you, so he doesn’t say anything to you, or at least he hasn’t for a long time. He is, according to your post, telling you that you have to learn to trust him and he is right. A good relationship is one where you support each other, complement and compliment each other, but you don’t rely on the other person to validate your sense of self-worth or as an emotional crutch without which you can’t cope.
I think a good start for you would be to find a time when he could have a long chat and acknowledge to him that you realise that the way you depend on this relationship and his constantly being there even when it’s impractical isn’t good. It would also be good to acknowledge that you haven’t been emotionally available for him because you’ve been very consumed with your own needs. I think you should also make a commitment to discussing with your counsellor how you might break an unhealthy emotional dependency and you should fulfil that commitment. This will probably involve techniques to manage your anxiety, perhaps making more time to do things on your own or with friends and family, and learning about balanced, sensible and well-structured communication. I really think that, as it is now, this relationship is bad for you both. You are draining him emotionally, whilst he’s enabling your anxiety and your insecurity to flourish. Both of you are doing this unwittingly but you should work hard to see if you can change the basis of this relationship from unhealthy co-dependence.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (2 November 2015):
 You have to understand your anxiety is your problem. It is your job to reassure yourself, not his! I know how hard it is because I have GAD. It seems your anxiety medication isn't doing enough any more so maybe you should chat with your doctor about increasing it or changing it.
You have to understand that he is doing his best. I am sure when he doesn't call there is good reason. I expect it is out of necessity, not choice. You already said they plan his entire day for him. You should be happy he is breaking the rules to at least text you every day!!!
You can't expect other people to be the only way to make you feel better, you need to be able to do that for yourself. You said you have tried counselling. What about therapy? Specifically CBT and Psychotherapy? It may be worth speaking to your doctor about those when you see them about adjusting your medication.
You need to love yourself hun. Until you learn to love yourself, nobody else will ever be enough.
Also, Google "Laments of a Loon, Crisis Box"... it is a great distraction technique. It is designed for people that self harm but it works on anxiety too.
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