A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, so I have a problem and searched it in Google and came across a thread on this site. The dilemma was similar to mine but with some key differences. My would be husband has been looking at porn and just like every other woman poster, it hurts. However, mine has a bit of a twist. First, my ex of 10 years had a SEVERE porn addiction and when dating my new guy I discussed this with him and he told me he didn’t even understand why men liked it. I happen to enjoy it on occasion WITH my partner, not alone. So, one day (because I have some SERIOUS trust issues, I searched the history on our computer and found a few of porn sites. Ouch. BUT…………almost all of them were of black women (we are both white) and not one single one of these sites had those “fake looking” girls, all pretty much armature scenes with average women. I called him on it and he said that he didn’t feel he had to explain or apologize for anything, he wasn’t doing anything wrong, and his excuse for the black girls was their body type (round bottom, a little thick, like me). OK, problem is, his ex-fiancé is black and they have a child together and she isn’t the only black girl he has dated (the man is Irish and Norwegian). OK, fine, argument over. I am VERY open sexually and have opened him up to things he has never tried and he was even embarrassed in the beginning because it wasn’t the normal “everyday” sex we were having ( I happen to like a little excitement). SO…one day I brought home a movie for us to watch together. That lead into more videos on the internet, again, watching TOGETHER. I had just become pregnant and things were a little weird in the bedroom with him so I figured that may help a little and I was right. Well, towards the end of my pregnancy and even after, I found a folder with 82 saved videos, in a matter of about 2 months, again, mostly black. We had a huge argument and he decided to delete them all and stop looking at it all together, AND HE DID! Not one clip ANYWHERE on our computer for 3 months! The other day I went out and just had an intuition to check the temporary internet folder and sure enough, 5 videos (only one black though). Now, yesterday, he got a T-Mobile dash with internet access and the first friggin thing he looked at was black porn. Am I supposed to be ok with this like everyone else says?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 The key is a 4 letter word, L-O-V-E. If you love him truly ,
you want him to be happy.
You will do anything to make him happy.
A happy man is a happy family.
Would you rather have a happy man or an unhappy man?
You are unhappy because you do not understand him.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Dear poster, I think you're a little insecure about his love, too. The fact that he likes black women, and watches that kind of porn, makes you think that he wishes he could be with a black woman. I don't think so. This is understandable. The first thing you notice in a person, if she is away from you, is her skin color. Only later do you notice the physical features that make her unique.
It seems like giving some time to time would help you.
Wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see what you're saying and I have been coming to terms with the fact that this is a part of our relationship now and I'm also starting to realize that obviously he wouldn't be with me if he didn't find me attractive, he wouldn't have decided to be with me (he kinda left his blackgirlfriend for me, the one with his daughter, but he was very unhappy in his relationship and was thinking of leaving anyway).
BUT, he definitely knows how I feel about black women and we have never watched a movie involving them in it, he knows I am very unattracted to them. He had actually promised at one point not to look at black women anymore after I told him I could handle it if it was women that had SOMETHING in common with me. And to be honest, I probably would have been fine if I didn't find out it was all of a sudden an ALL THE TIME thing, we weren't even having sex anymore! He said he needed time since I had been pregnant for so long and wanted some time to "get back to normal". That's when we had our big fight about porn all together.
He deleted the movies without me asking,just to make me happy, and our sex life came alive once again. He does alot to make me happy. Alot. I am lucky on many levels and am STARTING to realize if he would like to look at porn once in a while, as long as it isn't affecting our sex life, I should probably just let it go. I just need to find a way to let it go knowing that it's the healthy thing to do. If I could figure that out, maybe I would be fine, I'm just not sure how yet.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (29 June 2008):
Here's the easiest part of my opinion: yes, you're absolutely right to be upset about his lying to you about the porn. As is always the case, it's best to be honest, open, direct and clear. He shouldn't have lied to you about his watching porn.
However, there is a problem. You do watch porn together. Maybe you have watched black porn together, too; so, he might not really think this is a problem for you, or he might think that his lying is unimportant because, anyways, you know he watches porn and you even bring it to the bedroom.
This is not to criticize you or to reduce the importance of what you feel. You're right. I only want to be fair to him and say that perhaps he honestly cannot see the difference.
Many people feel insecure about themselves. Women are in pain in relationships because they are aware that many people rate them according to their beauty, so, when another pretty girl or a person who matches the man's sexual preferences appears, the woman enters Red Alert Mode, and it's worse if she is insecure. I understand this.
He has a strong preference for black women. I guess this is why he watches black porn, too. So, you're left wondering whether this means that he would rather be with someone else.
I guess not. If he had found you lacking, he wouldn't be with you. You asked him to delete the movies and he did. So, he wasn't really attached to them. He does have a thing for watching porn, however. Not an occasional day or two, or a movie to bring "new ideas" to the bedroom, as you do, but a permanent attraction to it. I suppose this makes you feel more insecure: if I'm good, open sexually, and we enjoy sex with each other, why does he have to watch porn? And, if he watches porn, can't it at least be of someone resembling me
Your relationship with him is non-traditional regarding sex, but it works for you. I would follow the old saying: "if it ain't broken, don't fix it". Maybe you would get him to show you his true love for you in other ways, that would make you feel less insecure. How is he generally, around the house? Does he have long-term plans with you?
We all have preferences, but that doesn't mean we would fail to appreciate the beauty of a woman. I prefer whites, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love a woman of a different color. Or find her lava hot. Actually, the one woman who might be the prettiest one these eyes of mine have ever seen, was of mixed blood, tending to brown. Oh, I guess she would be many a man's dream. She was certainly mine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing I find most disturbing is that, well 2 things. First, he has dated multiple black women in the past and when he wants to fantasize, it's about black women. Why be with a white girl when it's clear he is not interested in white girls much at all. To rate myself, I would say I'm an 8 1/2 (please don't see that as conceded)but I won't pretend I'm not insecure. I've never been in a relationship where my man was faithful, so I tend to compare myself to women he finds attractive (prettier or not, etc...) OK, not that healthy, but ALOT of women do this even if they don't admit it. But I feel like there is no comparison here, his preference in women is NOT ME. His preference is black women. He may have fallen in love with me and he may come home to me everynight, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt me that he would prefer someone else physically.It feels like if he could put who I am in a woman that is his physical type, he would. I don't care what people say, that would hurt alot of people. It chips away at your self esteem, even if you're confident. I KNOW he loves me, and very much at that, but this is an issue. Second, it just pissed me off that he spoke about my ex looking at porn like it was disgusting and claimed he never did it, but then low and behold, that was a lie. I understand he didn't want to scare me away in the begining of our relationship, BUT be honest and let ME decide if I could deal with someone who looked at it occasionally (maybe in a healthy way)after being with an addict.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 June 2008):
I'm not sure where your problem lies. I am not clear whether it is his watching porn that bothers you, or the fact that he has a thing for black porn, or perhaps that you're afraid his watching black porn might mean he prefers his ex. Maybe you can tell us where the problem is, so we can help you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): hI
LEIRIN has it right i like the idea of my wife being with another guy and yes she like the idea that he is black. its our fantasy but it each other that we love and do thing to.
have you tried to ask hime and looked with him. bring it out into th open.
let us know how you go
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Well ...
My BF LOVES huge boobs! He watches porn when I am not around or cant "help him out" and he is watching porn with only Big Boobs (sometimes quite disgusting sizes) with sometimes black women... and guess what! I am white and I have pretty small chest! How does it make me feel? NORMAL ... because guess what..
at the end I am the one he loves, I am the one he makes love to and I am the one he spares all his time with .. not a black women with big black boobs!
Its just sometimez a fantazy ..
lets put it this way ...
I get horny by seeing 3some with 2 girls BUT I WOULD NEVER DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe its somethign for him too ...
Dont think of it badly
Dont check every computer hystory there is. You are loosing your time.
F..K the porn industry. Who cares! If its not bad and he is not addicted to it, that he cant even get him up without watching it before, than its all just a "game"
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Hey, i think you are making a big deal out of this...really, what harm does it do, that he likes and watches porn regularly??Does he satisfy you in bed? If not, does he try to get better? Do you feel left out? Why does it bother you so much? Its just porn. Something that gets him off. He likes big black bottoms, someone else likes huge breasts, someone likes anal, someone likes german piss movies etc etc. Doesnt mean they want it in real life, its just a turn on for them. And one more thing - over time anyone would get bored with something they watch regularly. Its like eating chocolate cake everyday for years. At some point he will switch to watching something else. So let him be, let him watch his porn and relax, he doesnt love you any less, he just wants some privacy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Ugh. Forget what you are "supposed" to be. A lot of people will try to tell you that you should be cool with it, don't be so uptight, it's no big deal, you are silly to feel what you feel, blah bloody blah. Sod that. Simple fact is, you are not OK with it. I guess what you need to decide is whether to accept his porn habit as it it - cause it's not going to change - or leave him.
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