A
female
age
,
*eaches1
writes:Again....another porn issue. My boyfriend (who will be 50 next year) has 1182 snipettes of short porn movies, at least 3 folders of nude 20 somethings for his viewing pleasure and he doesn't understand why I might have an issue with this. I don't mind him gettin off to free movie snippets, but to keep them and keep the 20 something pics well. I am no 20, 30 or even 40 something and I'm in pretty good shape but his makes me feel less than in so many ways. Like I can't give him what he needs. He tells me I'm the best partner he's ever had, but still...to fantasize about screwing something that's that pert........come on. He says he keeps the pictures not only for the girls but the scenery....I mean come on. I wasn't born yesterday. This is not an art form for god sake. So how can I address this issue without getting completely off track?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): I too found my spouses stash of porn-it was alot more than this. To say I was furious doesnt even come close. And it was all downloaded in a matter of months. We have had several talks regarding it and it is pretty much all gone now and I know when I am gone, he is looking at it. Tries to hide it,but not well enough. Trust is a huge issue. I dont leave the house very often and I am now starting to resent that I feel this way because of what he did. When I found it, my confidence level went sliding downward so fast. Never,ever thought he would be doing that. Other than that, he treats me very very well and loves me alot. I get mad for a few days, but think about it every single day.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 October 2010):
 "He tells me I'm the best partner he's ever had"... So is he the best partner YOU'VE ever had? Is he the best partner for you?
Sounds to me like there are a whole lot of strikes against this guy. Little surprise after little surprise and we are not talking about leaving the toilet seat up here.
From where I'm sitting, you two don't sound compatible. He wants/likes different things and either you have to change fundamentally, or he has to change fundamentally. What's the likelihood of a 50 year old man or woman changing so dramatically? (Leaving aside getting sober or bariatric surgery)
What's your last straw going to be?
If you're just casually dating and have no future plans going on, then ignore this post. But if you are looking for something longterm and permanent, well, are you really sure you've made the wisest selection for yourself?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Peaches, WHY oh WHY are you with this man? Isn't it BETTER being single than being with a man who has so many ' personal issues' from cross-dressing, ex-girlfriend of a year you've met, and tolerated, to PORN on a grand scale..
This EXACTLY depicts the problems of those who USE PORN at this level have, and demonstrate..this is just NOT a porn issue for you, it is the WHOLE damn NINE YARDS.
And IF you can so easily SAY " And no, I don't live with him thankfully, and really don't have that desire." Then WHY do you want to CONTINUE with this connection...???????
If porn is ACCEPTED by the two people, the couple, then it is NOT up to any outsider to voice what they FEEL is right, it is down to the TWO PEOPLE INVOLVED. But Peaches, YOU are NOT happy with this involvement on MORE than just the PORN ISSUE, so may be, YOU need to LOOK at why you with this man.
He is as HE'S always been I suspect, not someone you would consider the average person in society, mainstream..FINE, but YOU have a choice, if this is NOT what you are looking for, or would consider a relationship where you would want to MOVE IN and LIVE with HIM..then as I say, WHY are you with him?
He won't change now at this late stage in life, so you need to decide what you want and have the GUMPTION to leave him IF you don't like what he represents!
Tough I know, but life is sometimes..
Jilly
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Okay, now this changes things. You've shined some light on a much more detailed situation that isn't just "another porn issue". And I must say, anybody in your position would feel insecure considering what has happened so far.
Personally, he sounds like trouble and I'd be very cautious in the future. He's got some underlying issues that, quite frankly, are going away anytime soon. My guess is after the porn there will be something else going on.
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A
female
reader, Peaches1 +, writes (21 October 2010):
Peaches1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've been dating this guy for 4 years now. First it was the ex girl friend I heard about for over a year..blah blah blah...finaly met her. Nice person but I'd have to kill her, she'd drive me crazy if I was stuck with her for any length of time. Then it was the crossdressing issue he had.....we worked that out......he can do what ever he wants to......when I'm not there. Then there is the porn issue. Again all of these things in one way or another have made me feel rather inscure on several fronts. So today we got together and talked about the porn issue. I think we may have come to an agreement, but only time will tell. And no, I don't live with him thankfully, and really don't have that desire.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 October 2010):
 I'm with TimmD here. It isn't that black and white. I wouldn't care if my partner watched porn either. In fact, I've had partners who did and we often watched it together. That was where my porn use started.
Another excellent discussion about porn can be found here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
OP, I still feel that your best bet is to sort out your feelings on the matter and then calmly discuss it with him. The more attacked or threatened he feels, the more withdrawn he will become. It will go quickly from a discussion toward compromise to a fight.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 October 2010):
Sorry, mis-typed. It's NOT as black and white as some women make it out to be.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 October 2010):
Has your sex suffered because of his porn? Does he put his porn before you? Does he masturbate to porn instead of having sex with you? Does he compare you to porn stars? Does he ask you to change to be more like porn stars?
Other than porn, is he a good guy? Bad guy?
Fine, women don't buy into the "Men are men and porn is just a part of life"... ok. But men don't care if women want to watch porn, even by themselves. The difference? Most men are secure in the fact that their partners love them and are turned on by them.
If a man is a degenerate porn addict and treats his partner like crap, doesn't have sex with her and is just generally more interested in porn than anything else... ok. That's bad and a woman deserves to be mad. But if you've got a good guy who does everything you could ever want and would NEVER cheat, women have to try to cut THAT type of man some slack.
Like most things in life, it's all about intent. What are your man's intentions? I'm not trying to start any arguments here, I just think the porn is as black and white as some women make it. Granted, it's not as black and white as some men make it either. To the woman who made the original post, give us some more background about your relationship. How long have you been seeing him? How long was he single before he met you? Enough time to build up a large porn collection? Does he neglect you? is he good to you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Of course you find this unacceptable, and anyone MALE or FEMALE who says this amount of pornographic material is HEALTHY or conducive to building a good relationship, physically and emotionally, ONLY tells me, they TOO are hooked on pornography, accustomed to those they ave relationships with USING it like they were opening a bottle of wine.
This age old excuse that ' MEN are MEN, they are different, they need this ' is USUALLY voiced by the men themselves who have an unhealthy union with pornography, and explain it away as being acceptable.
PLEASE SEE the VERY ELOQUENT, INFORMATIVE POSTING by ' Person12345' BASED ON REAL FACTS by eminent people studying and researching this field of sexuality.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-always-watches-sex-videos-how-can.html
I really hope you can resolve this problem within your relationship, especially as I presume you live together. NO man or woman, for that matter has the right to do as they please when IN a relationship under the same roof. If something upsets, offends, causes distress, discomfort then the offending partner has the right to listen and to be willing to work towards a mutually agreeable situation.
I wonder IF it were YOU with such images, and lets face it, 1182 snippets or not, is not exactly a once in a while interest...That HE didn't like you having, would MEN be taking such a light-hearted approach, and be telling HIM, she can do what she likes..I think not!
Please, please don't be passive in accepting this behaviour, as this is not a healthy, for him, or you.
Jilly
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): If The man want's to look at Porn then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is completely natural. He gets turned on by the visual images. It raise his testosterone levels. Looking at Porn is okay unless it becomes an obsession. And the fact that he is 50 and looking at twenty something model's. There is nothing wrong with that. What this guy does whether in a relationship or not is his own business. Wouldn't be worse if he had no sex drive what so ever. He is looking a visual images that turn's him on. It is nothing to get Jealous over. He is not cheating. Give the guy a break. Its no big deal. If that is all You have to worry about in a relationship then You are Lucky.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Youneed to tell him! yes he may get mad at you but if he reallly loves you then he would get over it.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 October 2010):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/bennefits-of-porn.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): You need to put your foot down and tell him to delete those pictures. You should be the only woman he desires and if he cannot live by that then you dump him girl. If he is goin to be your man then he should not be lusting after any other girls or even looking at other women that way. If he is 50 and looking at 20 year old girls then that is a sickness that you need to cure. There is no reason why a 50 year old man would want to look at a naked 20 year old girl. That just aint natural
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 October 2010):
One other point. Saving some files and pics to a hidden folder is a good way to avoid the accidental discovery of a browser history by a partner. He may have saved those files that way so he could access them discretely in a previous relationship with someone who checked his internet history because of catching him or something.
Again, I don't think you have much to be concerned over, but it is up to you to determine if this is something you're comfortable coming to a compromise on or if it's a deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (21 October 2010):
 I think you have nothing to worry about as far as competition with the images. I do think you have something to worry about in your feelings of respect for the man...you've lost some because of his porn use. Frankly I think it is an immature male behavior, ESPECIALLY in a 50 year old man. That said, has he been lonely? Without a partner for a long time? Ask him if he can delete the folders on his computer, that you find it a repulsive display and a lack of values as you are opposed to the big picture of the porn industry as a whole and want a man who lives his values. If he doesn't agree with you, then you have to decide if you can accept this part of him as a man...The decision is totally up to you, you have a right to your views and feelings about it and don't let anyone, including him tell you differently.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 October 2010):
 LMAO! Is that the 2010 version of "I buy Playboy for the articles."? That's hysterical!
Anyways, other than that, you absolutely don't have to worry about competing with the porno babes who have more plastic in them than a landfill of water bottles. Guys can totally compartmentalize their random lusts and fantasies without ever comparing those nonpersonal images to the awesome partner who lives and breathes and loves them. My guess is that he spent a lot of time being single, and a porn habit is a tough one to break, like cigarettes or alcohol.
However, you do have a say in what you're wanting to deal with in a relationship. If it becomes a serious issue for you, you may want to talk it over with him a come to some sort of comprimise. Your values regarding porn may or may not be compatible. Just know that if you tell him it bugs you, and he agrees to stop, there's a 99.99999% chance that he'll still be doing it, albeit a lot more discreetly.
As far as the issue of you comparing to it. You are so much better than that, it's not funny. It's his habit, and absolutely not because you are deficient in any way.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 October 2010):
You need to decide just what about it bothers you. Is it that he has the porn saved? Is it that he's using porn in the first place? Is it that you feel insecure because he likes these images?
Once you've found the root of why this bothers you, you then need to talk to him about it. Tell him why.
I can tell you this, when I've used pictures to masturbate, I'm rarely fantasizing about having sex with them. It's the visual stimulus of their beauty that is the sexual catalyst. Also, in many men, we compartmentalize porn use for masturbatory purposes. It really has no baring on how we feel about our partner, it is simply a tool we use to get off sometimes. When it becomes a major problem is when men turn to porn for satisfaction rather than a willing partner.
The best way to address this will be to get your feelings sorted out first and then talk about it in a non-accusing fashion. Men will shut down and be defensive if they feel they are being attacked, especially about something most of us consider a non-issue. That's not to say that what isn't an issue to us isn't an issue to our partner though. We just have trouble understanding why there is a problem sometimes.
Calm discussion is your best bet.
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