A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a very-LDR, and in recent months I've become really concerned with the amount of interest another guy has been showing my girlfriend. He's in the same country as me.He writes on her Facebook page that he loves her, and he sends her expensive gifts. She won't tell him she's in a relationship, sends him gifts as well, and gets extremely defensive whenever I try and talk about this guy, or suggest I'm bothered by his behaviour. They also share private jokes and call each other pet names. He's told her in the past that he loves her, but she claims that they talked about it and resolved the issue.She says he's just being a good friend, and that when he says he loves her on her Facebook page, that it's just a friendly sort of love, but I feel really concerned - and yes, threatened - that another guy is doing these things, and it's made worse by the fact that she refuses to talk to me about anything - she won't tell me she's spoken to him (I don't ask, but still), she doesn't tell me when she's spoken to him, and she doesn't treat me in the same way. When I suggest even the slightest fondness for her on Facebook she makes me feel so uncomfortable - as if I'm embarrassing her by saying it - that I just delete those posts. Now I just sit there seething as I watch him post love songs, post on her photos that he wants to kiss her and see him writing thanks about her sending him a gift, or him writing 'you're welcome' just to show everyone that he's sent her a gift.They clearly have a close relationship, and it makes me feel really uncomfortable that they're close enough to do these things but that she's completely secretive about him. She tells me she doesn't talk about him because she knows I don't like him.I seriously can't take this - I'm getting so angry about this but she refuses to talk to me about it and tells me I'm reading into things too much. I'm not the sort to see things that aren't there and I'm not the jealous type either, but there's something about this that just doesn't seem right - if there was a girl in my life who I was totally secretive about, who was telling me she loved me and was sending me gifts and I was reciprocating, I'm know she'd be livid, regardless of whether I told her that I wasn't interested in her.I've been sat here for months acting like I'm above all this, but it's tearing me up inside and I know I'm going to erupt soon.Am I being unreasonable? Irrational? Is this just some innocent relationship? Maybe it is on her side, but why can't she accept that he wants more than friendship, and how can see not see that by sending him gifts and everything that she's not helping the situation?
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male
reader, James the Rocket  +, writes (28 August 2010):
Well, he's in the same country as you, so that is something. Leave it for 8 days, then post he a poem or song on facebook to her. Do it so it appears on her wall if that's possible (I don't use facebook). If she takes it down or gets angry with you for it, then that's a definite red flag. Don't ask her if she likes it. Then just communicate with her normally, trying to be romantic and flirtatoeus. Engage in small talk. Don't mention the other guy.
Check her 'relationship status'. Set yours as 'in a relationship' or whatever the terminology is.
DO all the things one does to try and be romantic.
Women on facebook are blatant. Facebook is evil. The fact there is a facebook section in Dearcupid.com is very telling.
If things turn out for the worst but you want to have sex with her anyway, mention that if you and her cheat, he doesn't have to know. It looks like if she had sex with you, it would be cheating on him. Think of it like he's the boyfriend and you're the 'lover' (that's not the right word, should be 'usurper') and you need to outsmart him.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I believe she is having a LD playing the field. She knows exactly what she's doing and you're not looking to far into it. This reminds me of a female friend of mine who walked in and caught her husband with his pants down and a stranger female kneeling in between his legs, and he said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like." There are certain situations, such as this one, where the evidence is overwhelming to accurately state that she is up to something that she's not telling you.
Stop letting this eat you up. Say "see ya" and move on. It's not going to change. You can tell because of her reactions when you bring it up. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Some people are just that way. She might also have baggage that causes her to desire attention, and not just from one guy. You need to decide what you are willing to accept. How torn do you need to be before you realize this relationship may not be the healthy relationship you were hoping for? There are other girls out there, and I strongly believe, even some who are faithful and honest. I recommend your saying goodbye to this relationship. I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): I think a part of her likes the attention and is ashamed of it so doesn't like talking about it. However, you cannot have a healthy relationship in the future if one, she isn't committed to you and shuns other men or two,she isn't honest and open.
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