A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi everybody,i've been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now although i think we just broke up for real. and i think i want to break up but for some reason i cant bear to be without him and i have a panic attack and freak out when we're close to it. He is fair bit older than me so when we fight, even though it's obviously his fault because he is the one who lied, i end up the one who is being screamed at and put down with name calling and insults. i'm a non-confrontational person and he is usually quite calm, but when he gets busted and feels cornered he turns! to the point that i've locked myself in the bathroom. i dont think that he'd really ever hit me but his screaming and throwing things around me scares me enough. my dad has never even yelled at me like he has , i'm just not used to it!.h.i really think he has anger management issues but somehow it only surfaces when involving me being right about him. (his lies anyway).he says i just don't know how to be with him when he's angry. that i need to 'learn'!!!for example i drive his car sometimes cos i dont have one of my own. we agreed that i didnt need one just yet cos we wanted to go on a holiday and i could save extra cash for it.. pretty like renting in a way ha) like once a week if that. so, the other day i hit a car in the rear.. a bump really, so no major damage.. anyway i still freaked out about how to tell him. (he is selling the car and a buyer had come to see it the day before. it's a Porsche!) anyway told him n he initially was fine with it.. disappointed but calm even a bit happy cos the front needed a new paint job he said.and thanked me.. so i'm calling to make a claim and am asked if i got any fines in the last 5 yrs. i told em i had 4 about 3 yrs ago. the claim went into investigation.. He totally gave it to me for nearly 2 weeks. every day yelling and screaming and carrying on.. because he didnt disclose this information when he put me on the policy they might not approve it. He knew i've never had insurance never owned a car so dont know how it all works.. he should have known that a driving history meant fines etc.. and he did know about my fines!! so this is what i go through i've been apologising and made to feel horrible and guilty, a stupid little bump in his 'Porsche'(which i should be so grateful he even lets me drive) for nearly 2 weeks.. and i know i didnt do anything wrong.. it was an accident.. he couldnt even pick where i hit until i pointed it out. all because he knew that he messed up with not telling them about my fines and he might not be able to get extra work done on it.. i said either way i would pay to fix the scratches.. anyway its all approved now, the car is being repaired as we speak and i'm paying $700 excess but he's getting the works done on it also, he is now fine and all la di da and is asking me whats wrong with me now!! i cant just forget the last couple of weeks like he has.. he freaks me out!!so my question is this;'is his reaction a normal act of anger or is he my abuser in a emotionally abusive, manipulative, narcissistic relationship???'is this why i can't bring myself to end it and leave? or do i really have serious issues within myself that i am not conscience of..?? what do i do. should i stay with him cos he needs help or get out cos he will physically hurt me eventually ??Please help me.....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 You need to leave. You should be having panic attack about the idea of spending the rest of your life with someone that is a woman beater or capable of it.
A
female
reader, shynessreality  +, writes (30 June 2010):
Hi , I can see where your coming from. As a victim of abuse in a relationship, I can tell you that this man sounds dangerous. He has anger issues , and sounds quite childlike and immature. The outburst of anger your talking about sound quite tempermental , and random.I think you should be alert , and start looking for signs that show when he's angry. It's probably best not to confront him , and argue , because that could just make him worse. However, if you feel like he will hurt you, do not stand for it. I was submissive , and because of that I got abused for 4 years. If he gets really angry constantly , I suggest you go and stay with your family , or friends who will take you in. Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, lovelyone3 +, writes (30 June 2010):
 I think deep down you know what you need (or should) do; you really don't need anyone to tell you anything different or things you don't already know yourself.When a person like him knows they are wrong, they act on that manipulation tactic where YOU find yourself apologizing to THEM - and they're off the hook and the tide has turned in their favor and the heat is off them and onto you.Honestly, people like that get worse with age - TRUST ME! I heard that over and over about my husband 9 years ago and it's SO TRUE! He is FAR WORSE THAN EVER with his verbal and emotional abuse.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2010):
 He lies.He yells. He throws things around. He calls you names. He scares you.
BUT- you can't think of leaving him and you have panic attacks at the very thought.
In this cases my advice is always the same :
don't fix him- fix yourself.
He may have issues, but he won't change because you ask him or because you act in some particular way to make him change. He will only change when he decides he wants .
You can change yourself,though. You can find out why are you so afraid of leaving a dysfunctional relationship. Why do you settle for abuse,- why do you accept as normal this type of things. What's the subconscious "reward " you get from being insulted and yelled at. It's worth exploring it,isn't it ?
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A
female
reader, meowmeagan +, writes (30 June 2010):
When a man feels the need to raise his voice or put his lady down with cruel words, the relationship is not worth it. You deserve better than that sweetie. The unpredictable could happen and your boyfriend could go too far one day and become physically abusive. Just be careful. It's scary to move on when you've been together for so long but you will find someone who treats you like the princess you deserve to be treated like.
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