A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A very rich close friend of mine is getting married in February and has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.Of course I said yes as I've known her for years but here's the problem, she expects that I will pay for the following:My dress £210, Shoes £60, Nails £30 Hair trialand hair on the day £145 and Make up £35.Now I'm not one to complain but I really can't afford this... Last year i took a pay cut in my job and my husband's firm are constantly making people redundant so we have no idea if he'll have a job at the end of the year. There's barely no money left after our mortgage and bills are paid so spending £480 on her wedding is impossible.In addition I need to buy her a decent wedding present and chip in for her hen weekend which will be around £120 (I only had 1 hen night which was a meal and clubbing and didn't cost as much) and because she is having the venue far from our town we have to pay £75 to stay overnight at the hotel (there are no cheaper places to stay near by).There are 2 other bridesmaids (her cousin and sister in law) who also have to pay for themselves but fortunately their financial situation is better than mine and are happy to go along with this.I have tried to suggest ways to make this more affordable - for example, I found some shoes in high street shop for £25- they are practically identical and the dresses are long so you don't even see the shoes but my friend didn't like them.I'm more than happy to do my own makeup but she wants us all to look the same. My colleague is a trained nail technician and can do my nails for much cheaper (and just as nice) but my friend wants us all to go to the same place.After weeks of constantly worrying about this I told my friend my concerns and offered to not be a bridesmaid and to come as a guest- this upset her and said she wanted me as a bridesmaid but wasn't willing to compromise on the cost as she feels she is already paying a lot-our bouquets,necklaces and make up trial.Her dad is paying for the entire wedding, her mum is paying for her dress, veil shoes her inlaws are paying for their honeymoon so in fairness she's not paying for much herself.I know she shouldn't have to compromise as its her wedding she is entitled to have whatever she wants but seeing as I'm expected to pay where do I stand? I had no idea I'd have to pay for so many things otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to be bridesmaid when she asked (I have been bridesmaid twice beforeand never had to pay for anything). Also when she was my bridesmaid she didn't pay for anything- just a taxi fare home.I know many of you may think I'm being selfish and I hope I don't come across like it but it's not a case of me NOT wanting to pay it it's I CAN'T.Any ideas? I don't want to lose her friendship.Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): now its getting ridiculous. i dont believe in these spendings as it is especially with half of people divorsing anyway, but to actually insisting on you spending money on some silly requierments that she has for you?If she has requirements than she should pay for it. Who can possibly distinguisha difference in your nails or makeup? Thats just unheard of. What is it, celebrity wedding, where every detail will be scrutinize by press?Plus, you would have done it by professional anyway!AN with shoes, is just silly. Being your friend she should be concernedabout your money, not keep on insisting you making these unnesesary spendings.Hair i can kind of understand, because its really tough sometimes to get it right, but anyway she could chip in for you.I had one bridesmaid when i was getting married, and she wore a dress that she picked. We never even discussed with her what she was going to do about her make up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): I got married 3 years ago and was on a really tight budget and I decided not to have bridesmaids as I simply could not afford the extra cost. My 2 best friends were bitterly dissapointed.They offered to buy their own dresses and attire. I wasn't keen on their idea as I personally don't agree with bridesmaids or ushers having to buy their own attire. However my friends wanted to be in my wedding so I agreedThey bought themselves some lovely dresses from a high street for £25 and they were dresses they could wear again - they did their own hair and makeup and looked lovely. It appears that your friend wants what I call a "magazine bride wedding" where everyone matches and things are designer etc... As you say she is entitled to have what she wants but NOT if others are expected to pay for it... It makes me annoyed that seeing as nearly everything is being paid by other people she doesn't care to compromise or offer to pay herself for your things.... Don't be her bridesmaid, don't be bullied in to paying a fortune to take part... She appears very self obsessed and not someo e I'd like as a friend.Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 I agree, I think if you CAN NOT afford this, you CAN NOT afford it, so I would tell her sorry I can't be a bridesmaid.
I don't know what it is these days with brides but I think so many of them are totally NUTSO when it comes to their wedding.
You have tried to find alternatives so you could be in the wedding by she isn't budging.
Be honest with her. If she can't accept it, tough cookies.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Selfish ?! She is the one being selfish, you can't invite people then demand,not hope, not ask, demand that they dig into their pockets ! It's a considerable amount of money for a lot of people- we are already at 600 pounds, wedding gift not included. You can't say to people : No, you MUST
shell out 800-1000 pounds for the joy of seeing me get married.
If you can't afford , you can't afford it, you are not going to skip meals or rob banks to make her happy. You suggested options, she refused them while not sugesting to foot the bill herself... you can just politely back off of your previous committment, which anyway was entered into on the base of a misunderstanding. Do it immedately , so she can substitute you ASAP, and if she does not understand and gets mad... she is not a good friend to have around anyway.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 October 2012):
 I dont think your being selfish at all - I think she is being completely unreasonable! After all she will know that she didnt have to pay for anything when she was bridesmaid for you, yet she is expecting you to spend a small fortune (if you add it all up, including gift, hen do, all the items you need etc it is not far away from costing £1000!).
Simply tell her you cannot afford it, you have tried to find a way to do things more cheaply so you can be a bridesmaid but she wont agree to it so you are going to have to simply be there as a guest. If you dont have the money you dont have the money - not many people would have that kind of money to spend to be honest, I know I couldnt afford that!
Going on her hen do, buying a gift and the hotel for the wedding is going to cost enough as it is - if she cant pay for you then you cant be a bridesmaid, end of story.
I have never heard of a bridesmaid paying for herself (for everything) when the wedding is paid for by the parents - fair enough if the bride was on a budget and couldnt afford much for herself, let alone the bridesmaids. But when the entire thing is paid for by the parents, it seems bizarre to me that the bridesmaids costs are not covered by the people paying for the wedding.
I dont think you will lose her friendship, yes she might be upset that you cant be bridesmaid but she will get over it. She cant be mad at you for not having the money, you are not being nasty here, she just has unrealistic expectactions and you cant meed them - that's not you being a bad friend! She is being a bad friend if anything, so dont feel too bad about this. Talk to her, be honest with your reasons and hope for the best.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 October 2012):
 IF you can't afford it you can't afford it.
You told her that you can't afford it and she has to either pony up the money if it's important enough for you or she has to accept that you are an adult and know your financial limitations.
as a bridesmaid I always paid for my dress, my hair, my makeup (usually did my own hair and makeup) if she is being demanding about your attire then she needs to pony up that money.
I do not think you are being unreasonable as you have offered her options.
if she wants a cookie cutter wedding then she has to pay for the parts you can't afford.
if not it's perfectly acceptable to say 'I'm sorry the expenses are too high I can't afford it"
if she doesn't understand and you lose a friend, she was not a very good friend to begin with.
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