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writes:I was in a long distance relationship with a young lady who I had met online. This lady(let's call her Julia) had been raped and confined for 18 hours so she had issues.I visited her in July for the first time and things went quite well but unfortunately, she would get serious panic attacks while we were intimate. She put this down to not being used to me yet...I visited her once again a month later, but this time she had panic attacks once again with intimacy.It is my belief that these panic attacks are a result of her rape trauma and possibly an excess of emotions. She says she did not have them with a previous BF, but then again, she said she had not been in love with him.With these problems in mind, we parted ways in late August, and have spoken only a little in September and now, October. Unfortunately, we have had fights because I believed her not to love me, but I have now come to realize how deathly afraid she is of having more panic attacks, and it is certain that I bring them about because I think she does have feelings for me.I asked her if I should visit her from Nov 1-4 for her birthday and she seemed unable to give ma a yes or no answer. We got into a fight again...which we shouldn't of...it is just that I get very frustrated when she cannot express herself and say YES or NO.I have realized though that this is part of the problem.I plan to go to visit her and keep things very light so as not to provoke a panic attack on her part. I know she has feelings for and would like to see me, but I feel I must walk on eggshells...Any advice on how to proceed?Thanks for reading
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): I've been in her position (except for the 18 hours confinement, but in my case the acts of violation went on for years because it was my partner who was doing it to me). I suffered from nightmares for years and would physiologically shut down every time he approached me which eventually made him very angry and more abusive. However in my case my trauma was tied very specifically to the person who was doing it, not to anyone else. (when I got out of that relationship and started a new one, I had no problems with the new guy)but I can totally relate to this poor woman's anxiety.And I can tell you that you are making it far worse by pressuring her. Getting mad at her for being UNABLE to be normal with you, is only making her problems even worse and adding to her burden. now she not only has to deal with the original trauma that is haunting her but also she has to deal with your invalidation of her feelings. In a way it feels like a betrayal when someone does not acknowledge your trauma and is pressuring you to pretend it's not there. And that's essentially what you are doing to her every time you get mad at her for not being able to get over her trauma to be normal for you. you need to understand that her anxiety is INVOLUNTARY. you think she enjoys having panic attacks?? she has no control over her anxiety welling up and taking over her and making her panic. That's the nature of trauma and PTSD response. Your pouting and insisting that she is acting like she doesn't love you, and questioning her love for you, is being non-understanding of her.My advice to her is to get professional counselling, if she isn't already. I would also advise her to not get into an intimate relationship until she has had healed a lot more and the panic attacks have subsided. She has to understand that if she is going to get into a romantic relationship, sooner or later the guy - such as yourself - is going to want to get physically intimate because that's a normal part of romance and if she is not ready to do this then she shouldn't put herself in a role where it's expected of her. Thus I would advise her to break up with you and just be platonic friends. But she's not the one writing in here asking for help...Therefore I would advise you to break up the intimate relationship with her. She is not ready for one. You are trying to have an intimate relationship with a woman who cannot be intimate right now. these things can take YEARS to heal. So either you should be willing to wait years for her to become normal again, or else you should move on and only be platonic friends with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): I would advise that you not visit her until she has received treatment for her panic disorder.
She isn't ready for a full relationship with you.
You expect more than she is able to provide.
Take her uncertainty as a 'no.' As a rape victim, she has learned that expressing 'no' doesn't mean anything to her rapist.
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