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female
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*osadnow
writes: There has been an update to my saga... so know i am more confused and not sure what it all means.. Friends say one thing and other friends say another.. the basic story is: My boyfriend and I have been together 7 months, and we fell in love very quickly. About a month ago I had a feeling out of nowhere that he had a fling while he was on a holiday, it was just a stupid hunch and I don’t really know why I thought it. I asked him straight up and he said no and I did believe him but in curiosity killed the cat and I just checked his phone and I found nothing and I was happy with that. But he found out I went through his phone as I didn’t cover my tracks…. I lied at first but felt bad so told the truth. He was upset and said it will take him a while to get over it and get back the trust. Things were going well for a while but he said he was still coming to terms with it and was slowly getting back the trust. I started becoming a bit clingy and always asking him if he still loved me and what are we doing this weekend etc. This was only because I didn’t know where i stood, i guess I just wanted some reassurance but I think that may have got too much for him and probably turned him off. He said he understood why i became a bit clingy and I thought we had made some lead way. Anyway he has been stressed at work and also be being clingy has got to him a bit so he was going to break up with me but I said lets give it another go and he agreed as he said he wasn’t sure if it is the right thing to do and he is just fence sitting at the moment. Though a couple of days later things were still not back to normal and he said he can’t give me what i want at the moment, he said maybe he just needs time to think and some space and if i can wait around but its up to me. He said space will make him know if he misses me or not. I said no i cant do that even, i walked out but then 5 min later came back to say i will give him what he wants (space) he said thank you for coming back, he said he felt very empty when i left and he is glad i said he can call me when he is ready. So that is where we left it.. Anyway i was good for a week and didn’t contact until Sunday, when i was a bit sad... I messaged him... I said "hey, I know it's only been a week, but just wanted to see how you were and if you were still thinking about breaking up or want to try to work things out" I then felt bad and thought I shouldn't have sent it and I wasn't given him what he needed which was space, so I sent him another text saying "sorry for texting before, I respect that you need space, I just had a couple of drinks and was feeling a bit sad" he replied back the next day "hi, I'm ok but need to leave things the way they are at the moment. No need to apologise for texting. Hope you are well" A couple of friends say he is a coward and he doesn't have the guts to break up with me and some say he is just still confused, give him time... I do honestly think that he is still uncertain and doesn't know either way. He is 32, not a teenager playing games, if he was 100% certain that breaking up with me was what he wanted to do, he would tell me, he owes me that. We were together 7 months, it wasnt like we had 2 dates! If he wanted to take the easy way out he had a perfect opportunity when I texted him on Sunday and I asked him if he wanted to break up, he could have said it then and there yes and it would have been done with... I spoke to him briefly the other night, I needed his advice about something work related so I texted him earlier that day, he called me back later on but I was out and a bit tipsy so I started to say that I think about him everyday and asked if he thought about me ( I wasn’t even planning on asking him anything about the relationship, but as I had a few drinks, I did) he said he has thought about me, he said lets not talk about this anymore, so he still isn’t ready to talk about it just yet. But I guess he still cares, otherwise he wouldn’t have called me. So i just dont know, everyone is different and i guess no one but he really knows.. I will wait but i guess i cant wait forever... Any thoughts????
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male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (5 December 2006):
 If you've ever listened to anyone, PLEASE listen to what anon below has said!
Thx anon I'll use your advice in my own (similar) situation. Thanx.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006): You got a "hunch", acted on it by going through his phone records AFTER you had asked him if he'd had a fling while he was on vacation. Giving in to the hunch was bad enough - did you have some good, solid reason to think he might not be trustworthy, or was anxiety at work in you causing your "hunch"?
Either way, if when you asked him and he told you he had not cheated, things might have been alright if you had just let it drop in your own mind.
As it is, lying about checking his phone, then telling the truth, shook him up. That's to be expected. He said he needed to think things over, which made you more anxious. Really, you should have resisted the temptation to send him a message after a week to see if he was okay, and whether he was trying to work things out, or break up.
You compounded the mess still more by phoning him and blurting out your feelings about your relationship! He did not want to hear this, and as you said, you'd gotten a bit drunk both times you contacted him. BAD IDEA! As you now know, to your cost.
You know something? Reading your post it sounds almost as if you're really urging him to break up with you! Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Because that's what you're doing, bringing about the very thing you say you don't want (an ending).
All you can do now is to think about all that has happened and LEAVE HIM ALONE! Go on about your normal activities and try to enjoy them without constantly worrying what he's thinking/deciding! You surely know now that getting in touch when you have a few drinks in you is risky - so resolve not to do that again!
As for your friends, the ones who are saying he's just a coward and doesn't have the courage to break up with you, are not worth listening to! The ones who say he may be confused and to give him time are nearer the mark.
Perhaps he will decide after a few weeks, maybe a month, that he does want to continue with you. If he doesn't, you'll be disappointed, but at least you can learn from it and move on, not let impulsive behavior and over-anxiety jeopardize your next relationship!
Take care,
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