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female
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anonymous
writes: I have got a big problem. I have been married for just a year... but together for 5 years. We have gone through alot of ups and downs, emotionally, financially, mentally... but have always managed to come out stronger. I love this man, and he is pheonomenal... and he loves me TO DEATH. But I'm 26... and was in a 4 year relationship prior to this one... so I've only been single for a short 6 months in my 20's. And I'm feeling sometimes that I just want to EXPLODE, go crazy, be single, experience dating and other people and being alone... but then I have this incredible man at home, and my heart doesn't have an answer. I am seeing a counselor and trying to figure this all out... but I feel vulnerable to male attention and fear that I could make a huge mistake. And I can't talk to him about this... NO WAY. He would hate me. What do I do?! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (5 December 2006):
 Hey love,
I have been in a relationship for 5.5 years and I know exactly how you feel. You have given your everything - heart, soul, being - to this man and he has done the same to you. Sometimes I get scared that I'll fuck it up too.
Okay....I have experienced what you are feeling too, but it only lasted a short while. I actually had to sit down and write a list of the pros and cons before I potentially made the worst mistake of my life. I love him to death, but for a while there (he is 31, I'm 24) I wanted to travel the world as a single woman, meet new and exciting people and just be free basically! But I would always go back to the same place. To him. To our love. To everything we have given each other. To the time devoted to growing our love. To the hardtimes we have gotten through together. To the future together we talk about every single day.
You sound like a very intelligent woman and I commend you for talking to someone about all this, because I ended up doing that also and it shows that you are strong and are not going to do anything stupid or without thinking.
This is something you have to work out for yourself. It has nothing to do with him, so there is no need to tell him this. He is doing nothing wrong, so there is no need to punish him with these thoughts you are having.
It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can to try and get to grips with what you are feeling right now. Is the counselor helping you?
Maybe try and write a list as I did. The pros and cons of being single and or being with your husband. Then take a look at them side by side. I don't know if this will help you or not, but it made such a big difference to me because once I saw how much I would lose if I went single, it wasn't even worth thinking about anymore.
You say your husband is pheonomenal - how many people out there are looking for a pheonomenal man right now? How many people out there in their 50s, 60s or even 80s, are so lonely right now because they never found the love of their life or they wanted to taste freedom once they found it, so let it go, now they only have painful memories of what once was and what they'll never have again? I"m not saying you are going to just throw it away, but is the love you have worth risking? I can't say you will regret it for the rest of your life, because nobody knows what tomorrow holds, but are you willing to take that chance when you are already married to a pheonomenal man?
My feelings similar to yours did pass and now I look back I don't even know how I could have been feeling like that when I take a step back and look at everything I could have lost.
I hope the counseling helps and you figure out what it is you really want out of life. A sporadic life of dating or a secure and furfilled life with your husband?
I sincerely hope it all works out for you xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006): You should've thought of that before you married him.
This man has every right to hate you. Yes, you're young. Yes, single life is good. But you married him. Both of you took a big step that would change your life forever. This is the WRONG time to explode, go crazy and date other men. When you made the choice to get married, you said yes to lifetime committment with this man, to take care of him, your future family and be a wife to him. There's no other way to go about this but to set your mind straight, that you are married to a loving husband, and you wouldn't want to lose him!
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