A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm writing this out of pain, frustration and sadness.In the last few days I've undergone an operation. The outcome is that its quite likely that I'm infertile. Obviously, this is a big deal, and I don't think it's quite sunk in yet. I'm only 24.I'm starting to wonder why the hell I'm bothering with my life the way it is. I go to work, I come home, I see my b/f I save money for this future I think I'm going to have, or should I say, I thought I was. Now, I can't help but think, why bother saving for all this, I may as well save my money, then quit my job as soon as I can afford to and go travelling. What's the point of building my life, there's no reason to.I've tried to discuss the issue with my b/f. We've not been together long (under a year), and he just ignores my worries. I told him he might as well meet someone else, his response was to tell me he doesnt want kids for at least 10 years. How does this make me feel better?! It's like he's saying he wants to use me for a few years, then dump me when he wants a less barren partner.I'm stuck at home, as my wound is infected, and its made me quite ill. My best friend hasn't even bothered to visit me, no-one else has really spoken to me for days, and I won't be seeing my b/f for at least 2 weeks now due to his work. I'm so fed up because I can't leave my house, I feel grief for the future I feel I've lost (and feel guilty as some people are dying in this world) and I'm in a lot of pain.I'm sorry, I don't think that anyone is going to really be able to help me here, I'm so sad, I just want someone to listen, I don't feel like I have that right now :( I don't know what I want anymore, I'd love it if someone could give me a clue as to how I'm going to figure this out. Thanks for bothering to read this.
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male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (16 August 2009):
It sounds like you are showing many of the symptoms of depression, which is common following surgery. In most cases it improves as the physical symptoms do.In your case you are carrying a large emotional burden as well as physical though. I'm sure those around you do care, but it must be very difficult for them to know what to say to you - and people often aren't very good at realising that sometimes they don't have to say anything but just listen.Your boyfriend is young, and probably hadn't even stopped to consider seriously the idea of having kids never mind the idea of settling down and spending the rest of his life with you. These are big issues that probably scare him, and his response is to try and ignore them - not helpful at all, but pretty natural.Have you discussed they way you feel with your doctor? Your grief is natural, and a referral to counselling would be an appropriate step. As you say, this is a big deal and having some professional support can only benefit you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can listen (or read) and try to help.
Knowing you could be infertile is understandably devastating and upsetting, but you should realse, that your life isn't over. At 24, your still young and your life is still at a reasonably early stage.
I don't know how you feel about the other options of having children, but there are many other ways such as IVF, surrogacy, adoption or even fostering, which isn't quite the same, but I think it be very rewarding to help troubled children out. Perhaps it won't be quite the same (apart from IVF) as conceiving and being pregnant yourself, but you can and would, grow to love them as your own.
Of course, what you do with these options is up to you, and with whom you'd like to start a family with. So please, don't think that all hope is lost, because it's not :). It just feels like it now because you're still coming to terms with it.
I'm sorry that no one around you is being supportive, especially your boyfriend. I agree that, from what you've said, by him saying he doesn't want kids for another ten years, could indicate what you say is true. I don't think he realises (and probably won't fully understand) what it's like not to be able to conceive naturally.
From what you've said, it sounds like he isn't very serious about your relationship just yet, and isn't thinking too long term, which is understandable if you've been together for only a year or less, but it doesn't excuse his actions, or rather lack of actions of being supportive and empaphetic towards you.
I don't know how your relationship is as a whole, but if this is his attitude towards everything that has/may go wrong in your relationship, then you need to see what you are gaining from it, and whether you can make your relationship stronger, or leave because you know you can do better.
I think travelling would be a good idea, but only if it's not because you want to run away from everything. It could lead you into a different direction in life, or you could just have a great experience and then return home. But the problems won't go away by travelling, you should fix or end things in your relationship, and come to terms with and accept your infertility (and realise that your life isn't over) before you make any major changes such as quitting your job and travelling.
If you would consider the other options of having children in future, some of your savings could go towards this, so if you do decide to try fertility treatment etc then you won't have to delay trying by saving up in future. Whether this be with your current boyfriend, or a future partner if you decide that you don't want to be with your current one anymore.
Sorry I am going on a bit here, but please, consider all your options, and realise that you can still have a normal happy life and you CAN create a future with children in it. I wish you lots of luck, to find peace and happiness within yourself, and a speedy recovery from your operation.x
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