A
female
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*illywombat
writes:A question for you all, I think I am far to close to the situation to see straight to be honest.A relation (genuinely! - that is why I have not posted this anon)has been married for 20 years. Their marriage hasd been going stale, but they have found an opposite sex friend over the internet on a mutual interest site. This close relation has now confessed to me that it has gone further and they are not sure if they want out of the marriage to be with this new person. Anyhow, the new person has had skin cancer in the past. Has got a shortened life expectancy even if it doesn't reoccur apparently (?) and is fifteen years younger than my relation. But he makes my relation happier than I have ever seen her in years. I want her to be happy - but I don't want the fall out that the blow up of her marriage will inevitably bring. I dont know how to handle this. I am so close to both of them and do not want anything to do with this new person. (Feel like a stroppy teenager now!)I am asking for advice, or just a guiding word on how to handle this. Sorry it is so complicated. I don't want to put to much information on the who's what's and where's on here *just in case*.C'mon you lot - please help an agony aunt in need.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (29 May 2006):
willywombat is verified as being by the original poster of the question What makes me laugh (in a defeated and sarcastic sorta way) is the fact that they say children can be hurt because of divorce. Young children adapt, older children on the other hand struggle to deal with the emotional fallout.
Cheers everone who helped. Any more answers welcomed.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (29 May 2006):
 Hey girlie. I had to dig a little to find this question. If you are really close to this relation, I think you should level with her. There is no doubt what she's doing is wrong. Having said that, you don't know what got her to that point. It's still wrong though. Tell her you've lost some repect for her. Tell her what she's doing, if it's physical, is a health risk. Tell her you love her as well as her spouse and it really pains you to see her treat him like this. She can't really get too upset if you do this either. Who is she going to tell? She can't tell anybody. She has to hear you out. She may get angry. People who are wrong often do. That's how they defend the bad choices they've made.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2006): Willy, this is Irish. I forgot to log on so will answer your question this way, anyways. About your dilemma..I have one statement--Stay out of it. To be blunt-what your relation has done is highly inappropriate. Call it what you want but, she got seduced. Her affair could be the real thing or this other man may be amusing himself. This may be a romance that will run it's course. One can't tell for sure. All you are hearing is her side. In your shoes, I would speak to your relation and tell her your concerns, about being in this awkward position and encourage her to tell her husband and then wish her the best and step back. Remember, everybody can change, if they want to. It sounds like she has a good reason to change and rethink her affair. Her 20 year marriage is ready to implode and people's lives will be hurt badly, due to her unthinking decision by dropping her emotional boundries with this younger man on the internet. There are many ways she can get help and advice, without involving family members such as yourself. She should have thought of this before even telling you. I really think that was reckless and selfish of her to get you involved. I think it's time for her to honor and respect her long-term marriage..by telling her husband she's unhappy and both of them should start marriage counseling If I were you, I would politely tell her that and then detach yourself from the situation. It will be hard. She may not be happy with you but, she needs to be responsible for involving you in the first place. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 Sorry I guess I took the 'stroppy teenager' comment to heart. :) Though I know the feeling I have felt that way too, with my mother. No matter what age the mother daughter relationship can get very sticky without the problem your dealing with.
Just remember you are allowing your mother in. You have the power not to read her emails, not to answer the phone when she calls, or say you're busy if she wants to come over. As an adult you have to set the limits on your relationships, or you're allowing some else too.
This is a really sticky mess, I wish you good luck.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (26 May 2006):
willywombat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't live with them.....I am 35 and have my own home hun....
x
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (26 May 2006):
Oh you are in a REALLY sticky situation. You still need to somehow remove yourself from the situation.
Summer vacation is coming up and maybe you have a friend or other family member you trust that might let you stay with them for that time. Hopefully during that time the situation will come out and be dealt with, and without destroying your relationship with your mum.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (26 May 2006):
willywombat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrouble is this is my Mum and my step-Dad. Now how about that for a sticky situation.....
They have been to counselling. I have asked her not to confide in my but now it's inside my head like a worm in my brain...
This is so not good.
xxx
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (26 May 2006):
As much as you want to help and love this person you need to remove yourself from this situation.
There is more going on then you know, and you're being put into the middle of a very bad situation.
Do not give any advice if you care for the relationship you have with this person. If you give advice to stick it out and it is an unhappy or an abusive relationship you will be blamed for the misery. If you give advice to go with the new guy (the odds are against an affair working or even being happy) and you will be blamed for her leaving her marriage.
The only safe thing you can do is suggest counselling. There she can get the help and direction in a neutral environment that won't ruin your relationship.
I wish you the best of luck in such a sticky situation.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (26 May 2006):
 I will be brief, The same as what I tell most people in this kind of situation. The grass isnt always greener on the other side, Yes I know its an old Cliche! But I have had a few friends come a cropper in this way. Its very hard to know whats best, but personally I would get your relation to draw up a good and bad points listing for each of these people... yes sounds silly, but it might help her see what she really wants to do. 20 years is a long time, but another 20 years could also be on the cards,whihever way she proceeds... no one knows! we are all entitled to happiness, and at times it can be hard not to upset others along the way, but sometimes by doing exactly what we think will cause an upset can sometimes be the making of people.
Its hard when you are that close, and you dont want people to be hurt, but sometimes we gotta just let them as in the long run it could be 3 that are hurt rather than 1, that sounds harsh, but if your relative stayed where he/she didnt want to be, he/she would enevitably make the person he/she is married to unhappy too! So he/she needs to do whats best for them, we all have to in this life, its hard yes, but no one else can live our lives for us. We only get one shot, so we gotta grab it with both hands!
Hope this helps a little.
X x
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