A
female
age
41-50,
*irly1977
writes:*OP's own title*won't go into the details the affair lasted over a year. We were caught four months ago. My husband wants to fix our marraige I don't. All I CAN think about is this other man. Will I ever get over this. Feel so alone. My heart is broken for everyone involved. The man I had the affair with confided in a family member eventually. She began threatening me telling me I'd ruined her brothers life, he was a broken man etc and that I was to stay away from him. Our affair was of course passiontate and very sexual. Texts photos, you name it we did it. He has a partner they don't live together. I assume he wasn't happy. The usual story he didn't get enough sex. I'm feeling a mixture of emotions for my other man, I hope he is ok. I'm unsure if his partner did find out. Never thought I'd have an affair. Its made me so unhappy. They say time heals I know. How can I stop loving this other man.I miss him so much.I want a divorce. I married my husband on the rebound from another relationship. I realise this now.I realise I have rejection issues. In reality the other man and I could not have made relationship. I'm almost 20 years younger than him. he was married (divorced now) and obviously has a partner. We had a friendship. We talked a lot before we began having sex. He always worried about my husband finding out. I feel he has cut me off, I guess he has no choice he has his partner, grown up kids etc to consider. We text everyday up until 3 weeks ago. His last text said ' I'm trying to put my life back together we both are. I don't know what to say. I hope I really do hope you are ok and I always will.........No closure for me. I wanted to be with him. Can't stop thinking about him. Can't get him out of my head. I just long for him its so silly. I'm in my thirties.
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male
reader, lerokiya  +, writes (3 April 2010):
I think any affair definitely creates very bad Karma and the pleasure taken from it doesn't match the tremendous pain that affects everyone involved. You are full of remorse but still hanging on to those feelings for him. You have to let them go via therapy, prayer, etc. I read a book on Codependency that addressess why people have issues around relationships which i recommend. just go to any library or bookstore and look up that subject. I have been cheated on by my now exwife. in some ways I don't blame her because we had alot of difficulties last year. she won't tell me the full story, it does no good now anyway because we are seperated. I have our kids at home with me. Now, all she has is her misery which she tries to hide but I know she is hurting. this woman has had alot of isssues with men, molested as a child by family, raped as a teen. I'm not making excuses for what she did but it helped me grasp why she this kind of woman is vulnerable to smooth talking men who seem to have an extra sense for needy women.
While I have dealt with my issues head on, alot of sleepless nights, tears and agonizing thoughts of them together, she has been trying to hang on to whatever they have left, if anything. You see when two cheaters are caught, the thrill is gone, the secret romance, the midnite encounters, they are faced with the reality that they may be stuck together and they both know they cheat, so wheres the trust?
admitting you made a mistake is the first giant step toward healing. In time you will forgive yourself and everything will fall into place. Don't be like my Ex, who refuses to believe that she has done anything wrong and is now miserable, probably alone and scared. If it wasnt' for our kids I would have no contact with this woman. Good luck in your journey.
ps. being the man who was cheated on, I would've appreciated honesty, and I mean baring all.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 March 2010):
How do you know he wasn't in a committed relationship? You say he has a partner who he doesn't live with. That could be a lie.
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A
female
reader, girly1977 +, writes (25 March 2010):
girly1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionClearly the man who I had the affair with is NOT in a committed relationship. I'm not obsessive or unrealistic.
I did not ruin his life. He is a grown man reposonsible for his own actions!
Everybody makes mistake and I'm paying for mine.
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 If there is absolutely nothing in you that wants to make your marriage work, then get a divorce. Period. Cut the ties with your current life, and start fresh. Perhaps some professional help wouldn't be a bad idea either. Talk to somebody who can help you with your rejection issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): I agree totally with the last two answer's you received. This man has decided to move on surely this tells you something, your just not ready to hear the fact that you were used by him for sex and sex alone, all men that cheat tell all types of stories to the other woman in order to use them and believe me, he was no different, they say what ever it takes and they can look you in the eye's and make you believe every word. I have personally never fell prey to a man that only desired sex, and Thank God I was raised to not have sex with just anyone just to have sex, I can feel your hurt but you put yourself in this position of betrayal and now it's up to you to climb out of this valley get your life back once and for all and never allow yourself to get back in this situation again, after all you are a married woman and why would you not leave your husband if your not happy with him dont you think he deserves to be truly love by someone that respect's him totally, yes he does everyone deserves that honesty, had the shoe been on the other foot and he'd had the affair how would you feel? if you truly loved his as you say you love this other man, and I fully feel that if your husband can forgive you for such betryal, decite and lies he truly loves you and that's hard to find dedication, and you should think before you jump, and make the right decision based on your marriage to your husband, and forget about this other man completely and if you can do that honestly, and your still not happy in this marriage get a divorce don't hurt your husband any further, because affairs are wrong I dont care what anyone else says it's wrong and devastating to other spouse to be treated in such a way. A dog dosen't deserve to be treated as you have treated your mate, and remember karma is a B----, and I feel some of that has already came back to bite you, and soon the rest will follow if you dont get yourself together soon and be a wife to your spouse or get out of his life once and for all. Best of luck, ~Confused~
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 March 2010):
You were used by this other man for sex and nothing else. You have to let him go. He's not coming back. He just used you to escape the problems he has in his own relationship.
Address your marriage. If you want to divorce, do it.
Then look very carefully at your own life and make decisions about your own life. But the two men in your life are not right for you at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): you are not doing your hb any favours by staying with him. i think he is also overwhelmed by your affair and is trying to salvage something here.but you are just prolonging the inevitable - you have disrespected your home, your kids, your marriage- your desire to be with this man (who is in a committed relationship) is far stronger than your desire to be a decent wife and mother and family member. do eveyone a favour and more especially yourself- and get a divorce. seems like you have been doing all the running around to be with this man. he has now chosen and it is NOT you. so please learn self discipline, self respect and self esteem - leave him alone. you need to be told the brutal truth so that you would stop pestering him. his sister said it best: you ruined his life. you are now bordering on the obsessive and on the unrealistic. please know when to leave well alone. simple, no drama, no fuss.
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (24 March 2010):
 I'm not sure whether the way he is being is due to him wanting your relationship over or whether he feels he is doing what is right by you, either way you need to start by working out for sure what you want from your marriage, if you dont want to be in it anymore and don't want to be with your husband then you should deal with that even if this other man isn't in your life anymore.
Once you have sorted through what you want from your life then you can decide whats next, if you still want to be with this other man once you are able to do so properly then try talking to him.
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