A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my ex got another grl pregnant wile we were apart and now he wants me bck. crying to me all time trying everything to get me bck. but he still has contact with this grl every week. i feel if je really love me and have no feelings for her and dont want to be with her he should cut all contact with her unless something is wrong with the baby. she contact him every week to say everything is ok. am i being unreasonable here? its like he wants to stay in contact with her all the time please help me Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): kick him to the curb already. u or your kids don't need the drama girl. find a good guy that won't run off and knock someone up right away if u split for a little while. he doesn't know about condoms yet? he's nasty and has no respect for himself even. i have 2 kids with a male whore too. it'll never get better with him. now i have a new guy and he's great and does a great job providing for me and my two kids. lose that slut and find someone new.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): If I may focus on another part of your question; how do you know she's calling to chat? Maybe she's calling with a concern, or a question(we all get paranoid during pregnancy). How can you really know exactly what the conversation is entailing? Are you eavsdropping on his conversations or stalking him? Now, before you write back about what a jerk I am, let me guess: he's telling you exactly what they say isnt he? And you believe him because he has been so honest in the past. Maybe HE'S the one calling HER.
Since you have kids I can honestly ask you how you would feel if he had done that to you? Maybe he's keeping the dialogue open with this other woman because she's telling him the same thing you are. She has the right to now. If your kids were fighting over a toy would you really care who had or saw it first? C'mon. Grow up for your kids sake. Fact is he got everyone into this situation, and he is the only one who can do anything about it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 April 2010):
 And I'll repeat my answer. Don't forget he's the one who knocked her up and left her in the dust, pregnant with his child and alone. She may need some moral support from both YOU and the father. That would be the classy thing to do. Why can't you take the high road on this?
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female
reader, Lisa1970  +, writes (13 April 2010):
HiFirstly I completely understand where you are coming from and how you must feel about this lady and the situation. I don't think you are being totally unreasonable but I also don't think you are looking at this from any other persons view but your own. The child will and should come first, the only way for this to happen is for the child to be able to see that they have a friendly healthy relationship and can agree on things amicably for the child.If you cannot get use to them contacting each other then you need to move on. There are decisions to make now for the baby as well as once it arrives so contact with the mother is important. They have to decide on names, who will pay for what, who will be at birth, who will be godparents, the pram, cot etc they can't do this all via text messages or telephone and you should be pleased that you have a man who obviously cares about the welfare of his children. If you cannot trust him enough to allow him to be the father he wants to be then it's time to move on.What's happened has happened, imagine how she must feel about the fact that you now have him and will be playing a big part in her child's upbringing.For the child's sake, encourage his involvement become her friend or move on.You need to put your insecurities aside and think about the child.Sorry this isn't what you wanted to hear. hope everything works out well for all concerned. Good luck Lisa
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (12 April 2010):
 Sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear. Your boyfriend is going to be a daddy and if you guys like it or not for the sake of the child he needs to have contact and a good relationship with his baby momma. His role as a dad does not start once the baby is born, and either should his and the momma relationship. Imagine you and your babies not having his support when you yourself was pregnant.
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female
reader, misscali +, writes (12 April 2010):
well first of all no matter how much it might irritate you..hes not gonna give up contact with her because thats the mother of his child and thats normal..and yes you are being a tad bit selfish..i know exactly how you feel but my situation is a lil bit different when i got with my dude he had a thre yr old..and she doesnt lve with him just comes over alot.. my man talks to his bm but strictly about important bizniz..i dnt like it but its part of life and you just need to put your pride and feelings behind you if ya want this to wrk..i mean you said it yourself he was your ex which means yall wasnt together when they concieved..so i cnt paint the picture or open your eyes for you but if shes pregnant and he wants you it should be obvious that he doesnt want her..the question i ask to you is when will you realize that..my baby talks to his bm everyweek but what real man wouldnt do you want a loser or something...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think people need to read my question properly before jumping to conclusions. not once did i say he shpuld abandon the baby . i in fact told him i would welcome his new baby into our family if we got bck together. that is not the issue here , as i said the issue is with the other woman who wants him and will cause a lot of disruption in my family and i already hav two kids with him myself. unless its got to do with the baby then she shouldnt hav to contact him the baby isnt even born yet. he says he dnt care bout her and she was worst mistake he ever made so y then should i put up with him having friendly banter with her wen its not to do with the child.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 March 2010):
 "she contact him every week to say everything is ok."
Yes, your being unreasonable. She calls once a week to update him on how her pregnancy is going, this is how it's always going to be. She'll be calling more often when the child is born.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 March 2010):
Don't forget he's the one who knocked her up and left her in the dust, pregnant with his child and alone. She may need some moral support from both YOU and the father. That would be the classy thing to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok everyone here is getting wtrong idea. i have no problem with him seeing his child and being part of childs life. that is not the problem here. the problem is her contacting him all time even wen its NOT bout the pregnancy. i feel their contact should be about the child ONLY and nothing else. how is that being unreasonable
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female
reader, aliyahnangelo +, writes (24 March 2010):
 Its not just about you and him or the other woman anymore. There is going to be a child that is his. You can't ask for him not too be in this kids life! what if some guy got you pregnant and cut all ties with you? What if your dad knocked your mom up with you and then split? Look the baby didn't ask to come into the world, your guy got another woman pregnant. Whether you like it or not they are linked for life. I personaly wouldn't want to be with a guy who had a child whom he refused to take care of. If he is talking to this woman still about the baby, it means that he's trying to man up and take responsibility for his actions. If you can't handle that than find another guy. If you really want to be with this guy learn how to deal with the other woman then when the baby comes learn how to deal with the baby without over stepping any boundaries. Don't be immature and selfish. Think about what's best for that baby.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): yes, you are being unreasonable I'm sorry for my bluntness, but this is a child. I have two children, and if my boyfriend and I split I would keep him involved no matter what his new life entailed.
If you love this man then support him. Do you want to be the reason he has a broken and resentful relationship with his son or daughter?
Also, he may be scared and looking to you for stability, or for an escape to an easier and simpler time. When that baby comes he may be forced to face reality and the future, of which you may or may not be a part.
Save both of you agony and regret by keeping some distance. If this relationship is meant to be, than it will happen.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (24 March 2010):
It is selfish to even consider asking your boyfriend to neglect his child, your boyfriend made a big mistake and is now having a baby it's not the baby's fault he did not ask to be born. A real man will be a father and its his job to help protect, guide, and educate this child and unfortunately for you the mother will probably be included till the child is old enough. If you can't accept it and its not in your mind or in your heart to be a good stepmother than walk away because you have no right to make him choose between you and his child. Sorry for being brutal but its better to hear the truth now and not hinder a child future and also think what if he chooses you and brakes away from his child, really would you want to be with someone like that really.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 The simple solution is for you not to get back with him. Why would you want to get back with a guy that's crying and begging to you, whilst he has another woman pregnant?
He will need to stay connected to the child. I suggest you don't stay connected to him romantically.
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female
reader, kitycat +, writes (24 March 2010):
If you hate it now you will hate it more in years to come. I dated a man with children for a while. I couldn't bare not being number one priority.
If you can't deal with it now break the connection now. Save yourself the heartache later. If you dislike him calling her now you're going to hate seeing him give her money. I'd bet that you would eventually resent her getting money you would consider to be yours.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 March 2010):
He is now PERMANENTLY involved with the mother of his son. It is the way it should be. You have no right to insist he cut all contact with her except for emergencies. Of course he was irresponsible for having unprotected sex, and yes he does sound like a jerk for knocking her up then leaving her in the dust to come back to you, and certainly if I were in your shoes I would be questioning whether he might do the same thing to me...BUT the facts are the facts and either you resign yourself to the fact that he does have a child(and hence a the mother) forever in his life, emotionally and financially, or you pack your bags.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 He is responsible for his actions.Since he sired the baby , he should be responsible for the baby. He dug the hole , so he should lie in it.
There are cases where the men loves the women and even can abdicate the throne for their love ,let alone a child.
In this case, the OP is not against cutting off contact with the baby but cutting off contact with the ex. Those are two different things.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 @ laura - how is cutting an innocent child out of a fathers life in any way resembling taking full responsibility? Sounds more like shirking it to me.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (24 March 2010):
He has to put you first on his priority list . Anything less than that is not acceptable.
It may sound cruel or unreasonable to cut contact with the baby but that is life.
He sired the baby with another woman and he should take full responsibility and not fall in love with another woman.
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female
reader, z09a  +, writes (24 March 2010):
i do not find that you are moving unreasonable. it is true that u would feel uncomfortable with them contacting eachother weekly. i do not give u wrong.
the question is, how far long is she? if she is jus a couple of weeks well then doctor's visits arent that frequent. only if she's on her last then u're supposed to visit weekly. if she has to contact him to let him know how she and the baby is doin after each visit, fine. but to say that she's like in the 1st trimester then the visit is like once a mth. so why contact every week.
u need to sit down an discuss this whole thing with him. u need to draw boundaries an let him know where u stand.
let him know how u feel about them contacting each other an once u both agree on wat should be done in order for u both to be happy an comfortable, them he should discuss this with his child's mother.
if u dont do that, then he will not know wat upsets u an when the baby is born, u both will be in some what of a chaotic state where u would be displeases about certain things with contacting the mother, visiting the child, etc.
talk to him an let him know how u feel. hope it works.
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (24 March 2010):
It is not about his feelings for her, .. it is about her carrying his child.
By no means would it be reasonable to cut his child out of his life, so I can hardly agree it is ok to cut the mother out. How nice would that be - if the kid grew up and was told his/her father disregarded the mother entirely whilst they were in utero?
Short of abandoning his child completely, you need to get used to her being a permanent fixture. This woman will always be in his life so if you can't deal with it now, then perhaps you should move on.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (24 March 2010):
He should cut off all contacts with her until the baby is born. This will show his sincerity and love for you .
If he can't do that , his love is susceptible and not steadfast for you .
Step your foot down .
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